A/N: Time? The day after Hal’s successful day out with Steph!
Part I—Pre-Op Procedures
Ram’s POV—Friday afternoon
Like all good counter intel missions, we began by setting the conditions for a bit of misinformation.
“Connie?” She stares at me for a moment. I know she doesn’t know my name and I smile. “Ram.”
She nods. “Nice to meet you.”
I nod toward Vinnie’s door and raise an eyebrow. She nods.
“Steph needs your help. Can you come with me?”
Connie immediately hops off her stool and goes for her purse. Vinnie’s door opens and I fix my most menacing look on my face. Vinnie takes one look at me and decides that whatever he has to say can wait. Connie grins.
“You guys have to teach me how to do that.”
I smirk and escort her to my truck—not a RangeMan vehicle, a Dodge Ram. What?
I pull away from the bonds office and head toward RangeMan. I look over at Connie.
“As a part of passing RangeMan standards, Steph has to learn how to tail a vehicle without being detected.” She nods. “We’ve decided to make it a two part test, following someone and avoiding being followed.” I grin. “Since Joyce was so kind as to volunteer herself last time, we decided that it would be rude of us not to include her this time.”
Connie blinks. “Sorry. That was more than 10 words. I was caught off guard.”
I smile. “10 words or less inside Plum Bail Bonds. Outside?” I shrug. “We’ll never be chatty. Pertinent info only. You in?”
Connie laughs. “I’m in. What do you need me to do?”
Conference 2 has maps everywhere. Hal and Woody spent the morning with Steph reviewing how to set up a tail and doing the pre-work that has to be done before you jump into the car. Since we’re also going to involve an (uninformed) third-party, this plan has to be mapped and alternates considered at each point.
Using Joyce as the bait was a great idea. Otherwise, Steph would have gone to sleep on us.
Instead, she’s approaching this with all the excitement of a kid in a candy store, apt considering it’s Steph. We’re thrilled; this is the happiest she’s been all week. She is in charge of this operation; all decisions are hers to make. She’s examining each option Hal and Woody present her and making smart choices. I walk in with Connie and Steph beams.
“Connie!” She and Connie hug and Connie looks around. It’s her first time inside RangeMan, and I can tell she’s desperate to take a good look around. We take seats and Hal brings up a digital map of Central Jersey.
“OK, here’s the deal. I want Joyce to follow me. I’m going to run almost the exact same plan on her, but with a slight difference. When she ‘loses’ me this time, I’m swinging behind her. She’ll actually follow you, right into the Pine Barrens.”
Connie starts to smile. “OK, what do you need me to do?”
“Three things. One, call her with an easy skip, something she should be able to handle with no problems.” Connie starts writing notes. “Two, when she arrives, call me with a really good skip. Make like you just got this skip when she showed up and it’s a time crunch. She’ll take the bait.”
“Yeah, she will. Greedy cow.”
They look at each other and laugh.
“Three, Jase will be there to pick you up as she leaves. Hop in the car with him and follow the plan. Now, let’s go over the plan.”
Part II—The Trap is Set
Connie’s POV—Tuesday
The folder is sitting on my desk, just waiting. RangeMan folders are blue to clearly identify them from everyone else’s. Inside, the ‘skip’s’ info has been carefully prepped to ensure Joyce takes the bait. The ‘bail’ has been set at $100,000, and the info says he’s a southern gentleman, the kind of skip who usually isn’t violent to women. He’s going to prison for white collar stuff, money laundering and tax evasion.
Whoever this ‘Danny’ guy is, he’s really, really hot. Joyce will fall for this hook, line and sinker.
I called her ten minutes ago with a file. $100 for her, if she can catch ’em. Steph supplied the picture of someone named ‘Jase’ for this file. He’s cute but . . . I peek at ‘Danny’ again. Good God, green eyes and dimples. Of course he’s married. Too good to be true.
I see Joyce pull up outside so I set the trap. I call Woody, let it ring three times and hang up. Then I call Steph just as Joyce walks in.
“Steph!”
“Yeah?”
“Just got a huge bond. $100,000. White collar, non-violent, and he’s fucking gorgeous. Time is short on him though.” I make like I’m leafing through the folder and I’m excited.
“Vinnie bonded someone like that? Vinnie bonds slime.”
“His insurance could cover it. Can you swing by and grab him?”
“Sure. On my way.” Click.
Steph now has RangeMan phone manners. I smile and shake my head. Joyce is unusually patient, waiting for me to hand over her folder. I pick up her folder (yellow) and hand it to her. “Normal time. I’m not gonna be here all day.”
I turn around with a stack of folders and start filing. I listen for the door to close and look.
She took the bait. The folder’s still there, but the picture is gone. I grin.
Danny’s POV
There was no way Trenton was cutting Atlanta out of this. My men were adamant. We taught the CO her skills. Whoever this ‘Joyce’ is, it was personal and we wanted to obliterate the enemy. The CO’s plan is diabolical, and if this is a taste of who she is when mad, my men are appropriately scared. Jase also refused to be sidelined in this, so we hopped in the SUV and made the 13 hour trip to Jersey.
Hal’s got the best part of this and he’s grinning. “I’ve done it before. I’m looking forward to doing it again.” I look and he smirks. “One hour, man. One hour. Actually, less than.”
We’re waiting in the SUV. Joyce fell for the world’s most obvious trick. A child could see through this. At the moment, she’s parked outside RangeMan, watching the garage. Steph returned to the office 30 minutes ago and is pretending to look up info on the mark. Finally, the garage door lifts and we can see her at the wheel with Ram, setting off.
Joyce starts tailing her at a discreet distance. I can see Woody, Connie, and Vince all take off in their SUVs. Hal finally starts and we all follow Joyce. Hal chuckles the farther we go, and I can see why. If this is the game Steph ran last time, she really did do a good job. Cleaning sweep? Check. Box turns? Check. This time though, she pulls into the Stop and Shop parking lot and we see the SUV, driven by Connie, take off down Route 1.
Joyce doesn’t even notice the switch or the obvious difference in drivers. She’s just following the black SUV. Hal and I are cracking up.
“Is she really this blind?”
“You know why she’s doing this?” I shake my head. “Because Connie called the CO. She forgot this was a RangeMan skip. She wouldn’t touch it if she thought it was a RangeMan skip, but she’s still thinking Steph works alone so she feels OK with horning in. Plus, we set up the psychological angle. The skip is a handsome man valued at $100,000. That’s what The Cop was valued at, and it made the CO’s name. Joyce deserves what she gets.”
“Is she that jealous of the CO?” I’m going to tease Hal for calling me handsome later.
Hal nods. “The feud goes back to childhood. Joyce is usually the winner because the CO is too nice to be brutal and put a final end to it.”
“Bad?”
“The last shot we know of? She tried to sleep with The Cop when he and the CO were ‘on’.” I blink and Hal grimaces. “This is, of course, after sleeping with the CO’s husband and breaking up her marriage years ago.”
I sit back. “This shit’s very personal.”
“Extremely.”
“Handsome?” I smirk.
“Connie’s too vain for glasses,” Hal says blandly. I laugh silently.
The CO has swung back into the formation, and we successfully follow Connie for about 30 minutes. The target has no clue she’s being followed. Connie, with Jase instructing her, starts executing evasion maneuvers, but Joyce has gotten tired of being ditched. She speeds up and starts tailgating the SUV.
Finally, Connie slams the brakes, speeds up and executes a bootlegger’s turn. Joyce has to swerve to avoid her, and the two SUVs are now face-to-face. The target realizes she’s been fooled but she doesn’t realize that Jase is in the car. He’s ducked in the seat to avoid detection. Right on time. The CO honks and she and Ram wave at a visibly furious Joyce as they drive by. Connie is laughing.
So are we. This is great.
Joyce immediately reverses and speeds around Connie to catch up to Steph. She starts following the CO, right into a heavily forested area. This looks like the backwoods of Georgia. I feel right at home. “Is this the Pine Barrens?”
Hal nods. He looks gleeful.
Steph slows up and finally stops.
“Joyce, what are you doing?” The CO is wired and we’ve stopped an appropriate distance away.
“I thought you might need a competent BEA on this takedown. You know, just in case you break your leg again.”
“And you volunteered?” The CO laughs. “I have RangeMen. I don’t need you.”
“Fine. Maybe I’m here to be backup for them. Just in case one of you gets injured. That’s pretty likely.”
“Bitch,” we hear Steph mutter. Hal’s openly grinning. He can’t wait. “Fine, but stay back. None of your big bad bounty hunter tricks. This is still a RangeMan collar, but since you followed us all the way out here, you might as well see how it’s done.”
Hal’s turning red laughing. I’m grinning. Come on, Steph. Get a move on.
Finally, we can hear them move. After 10 minutes I hear the CO mutter, “This is the part of the plan I hate. Next time, I lose her in the ocean.”
Part III—The Trap is Sprung
Hal’s POV
After five minutes waiting, I get the beep I’ve been waiting on. The trio is a safe distance away. I restart the truck and drive over to Joyce’s SUV.
Last time it took me 48 minutes solo. It’s a team effort this time, so I’m thinking 25 minutes. There’s a cheesecake on the line.
I climb out and I’m quickly joined by Vince, Binkie, Zero, Woody, and Danny. Connie is with Jase in the car, waiting. I pop Joyce’s hood and grin. The only part of this that sucks is that the engine is still hot, but I can work with that. I remove the hood bolts and the guys position the engine hoist in place and finish removing the hood for me. They start lifting the SUV on jack lifts. Meanwhile I disconnect the battery and slide underneath to start removing the bolts that attach the engine to the frame.
Connie is timing so I get to work. The five gallon containers are set in place, so I pop fuel lines (hot! hot! hot!) and start draining fluids. Meanwhile, I start disconnecting major systems. Fuel, AC, transmission, I’m moving fast. I check that all fluids are done draining, everything’s disconnected and no one will get hurt. Finally, I slide from underneath.
“Hoist!”
The guys pull the chain and the engine slides out like a breeze. Just in time. Binkie’s pulled the van over and we use the hoist to transfer the engine into it. Meanwhile, Vince takes the hood and bolts it back into place. We cap the liquids, identifying with masking tape, and close the van.
“Time!”
“20:32!”
The guys slap my back and high-five me. Under 25! I’m visiting Candy this weekend. I want to celebrate my triumph.
Danny calls back to RangeMan and informs Maria that we need cake. We’ve thwarted the enemy. Time to let her know.
Steph’s POV
We’ve been walking through the Pine Barrens for almost 40 minutes. Hector is watching from Trenton. He’ll beep when I get too close to a road. I want to leave Joyce smack dab in the middle of the Barrens.
It’s a typical day in early June, but the Pine Barrens is cool because of the trees. Ram is on typical RangeMan duty, gun out, moving cautiously. I’m walking as I normally do, completely unafraid and holding my stun gun. I explained, before we began walking, that the target owns property back here. Huge lie; this part of the Pine Barrens is a federally protected area. I can’t believe Joyce is falling for this. Ram is smiling. I look over and he waggles his eyebrows. He’s wired to the guys and that’s the signal.
I stop and pull the file out of my purse. I pretend dismay.
“Crap!” I look around. “We’re on the wrong side of this road. We shoulda gone right from the main road, not left. That’s why we haven’t found anything yet.”
“Oh for Christ’s sake! Gimme that!” Joyce snatches the folder from my hands. Ram slams the blank face into place and takes a step toward her. Joyce’s eyes widen and she takes several steps back. She reaches for her gun before Ram’s voice stops her.
“If you pull it, you better not miss.”
Joyce swallows hard and looks at me. “He’s a sniper. He won’t miss.”
Joyce looks through the folder. I look around. I hear the SUV in the distance.
“Why are you following her?” she asks Ram, whining. “She doesn’t know anything. We’ve been walking in this forest for 30 minutes, and the only thing she’s done successfully is get us lost.”
I turn around smiling. “No, what I’ve done is taught you a lesson. You aren’t a bounty hunter. You’re a boil on my ass and this is the last warning you’ll ever get from me. My life is not yours to try to ruin anymore. Try something else and the next time, I won’t be so nice.”
Just in time. Danny’s driving, just to twist the knife.
“Looking for me?” he says, grinning.
Joyce reaches for her gun, but Ram lifted it from her when we started walking. She’s got nothing. No gun, no cell phone, no ID. Ram could double as a pick pocket.
“Hi Danny! Hi Hal! Yeah, I’m ready to go.”
Ram opens the door and we climb in. Joyce makes to follow, but Ram glares at her.
“Miss?” Danny says. We all smirk. “My name is Danny and I’m the head of RangeMan Atlanta. It’s not a pleasure to meet you but I’ve already enjoyed knowing you.”
Joyce is outraged, but Danny raises the window and heads straight to the road.
I sit back and look at Hal. “Well?”
“Pass.”
“And?”
“She’s making your cake and our cheesecake now.”
I grin. Best. Day. Ever!
Joyce’s POV
I can’t believe this.
I fell for a Plum trick.
I’ve never been beaten by Stephanie Plum and she’s left me in the middle of the Pine Barrens. Worse, she drove off with three incredibly sexy guys.
I suspected a trick the moment she didn’t attempt to ditch me before walking into the woods, but I figured that if I stayed with her, and the guy with her, I’d be safer. I’d get her back later.
Now I’m in the middle of the fucking Jersey Woods. I turn around, looking for another car to come along, but it’s useless. The truck with ‘Danny’ (if that’s really his name, but GOD was he HOT!) was the only one that passed us the entire time we were here.
I simply can’t believe this. I’m going to get her back and I’m going to be vicious. I’m taking Ranger. That’ll teach her. That’ll destroy her.
I start walking back to my SUV, wishing I’d brought lower shoes. These stiletto boots are sexy, but they’re high as hell. After an hour, I make it back to my truck and hop in. I turn the key and nothing happens.
Nothing happens. Nothing lights up, nothing makes a noise, nothing happens. I just had an oil change. There’s nothing wrong with my truck. I pop the hood and climb out. I’m stunned by what I see.
Or don’t see.
I don’t see my fucking engine.
There’s a massive hole in my truck where the engine used to be. I stare at the hole for at least three minutes before I lose it. I lose my fucking mind in the middle of the Jersey fucking woods.
I reach for my cell phone, to call AAA, when I realize I don’t have it. I check my pockets and I’m missing my phone, my gun, my wallet, and my emergency condom. The other items I might misplace but not the condom. Not when I screw Vinnie regularly. How did she . . .
The guy. He did it. He lifted everything from me.
I open the car and sit in the driver’s seat. I have no idea where I am or how far I am from a main road. I have no way to call anyone. I have no money and no condom to use ‘God’s credit card’ just in case I get an opportunity. And to cap it off, I’ve been tricked by Trenton’s worst bounty hunter and left for dead in the middle of the woods. No one knows I’m here. Kevin won’t look for me for days.
I’ve been left for dead.
Epilogue: This was NOT part of the plan
Jase’s POV
Maria Salgado is a fantastic baker. That was the best cheesecake I’ve ever had, but the Trenton men tell me they’ll make me and Danny honorary Trenton RangeMen if we pass the final hurdle.
The grins should have told Danny to decline, but he was high on sugar. So was I. I just helped the CO defeat a lifelong enemy. I felt ready to take on the world.
We pull up outside a house on Roosevelt Avenue and look out. Hal and Ram are grinning. So are the two ladies on the porch. Well, the old lady is grinning. The younger one is smiling broadly.
“Grandma!” Steph says, smiling. “Whose viewing is tonight?”
Is this the infamous Granny Mazur? She’s what, 70? Is this the person the guys are scared of? I look at my XO and he’s smirking. If the Trenton men are scared of this little old lady, they’ve just taken a nose dive in our estimation.
“Maurice Kuttner. Should be a good one. No one has seen him since before he moved into the nursing home.”
Steph frowns. “So how did you keep in touch?”
“Phone. Letters. His daughter gave us news. It’s an open casket for once, thank god, and we should be able to get in, pay our respects, and leave quickly.” She turns to us. “Are you the men that gave Stephanie the swag?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I reply.
“Well, it’s wonderful to meet you both.”
“Grandma, behave,” Steph says, kissing her grandma.
My ass stings and I jump. I turn around and Mrs. Mazur is standing behind me, smiling. I turn to my XO, who looks confused. Hal and Ram are smiling evilly.
I am suddenly afraid.
I’m an idiot. There’s a reason why the Trenton men are considered the toughest group in the company, the most unflappable, the steadiest in a shit-storm. It’s because they get plenty of practice.
Granny Mazur joins us in the SUV and the CO makes the introductions. It’s a quiet trip to the funeral home, although Hal’s lips keep twitching. When we arrive, the funeral home director makes a beeline to the car.
“Mrs. Mazur, I’ve been asked by the family to prevent your entry. Your . . . ” he searches for the word as Mrs. Mazur grows more indignant “incidents have cast a shadow over all the viewings. The family does not want this viewing interrupted.”
“They have NO right to prevent me from saying goodbye. Maurice was a good friend, for many years!”
The funeral director sighs. “One you had not seen in years. The family feels your occasional phone call is not enough to warrant you tipping the casket over.”
“You find Mary! I want HER to tell me I’m barred. Otherwise, I’ll show up graveside to pay my final respects.”
The funeral director looks horrified and scurries back inside to speak to the family. 15 minutes later, he returns, looking like a man headed to a funeral. Apt.
“The family will allow you to come inside to pay your final respects only if your granddaughter handcuffs you the entire time. No exceptions. They heard what happened to Irma Lemonski’s viewing.”
Danny and I look at each other. What happened? Hal is pink and Ram’s lips are still twitching. And why on earth would you need to handcuff this little old lady?
Steph shakes her head. “I’m not cuffing my grandmother. If Mary Kuttner-Reynolds wants my grandmother cuffed, she can come do it. I won’t.”
Again, the funeral director looks horrified and scurries back inside to speak to the family. Ram quickly whispers the story of the Irma Lemonski viewing to us. I’m not sure about my XO, but I’m dying of laughter inside.
“Can we assume that the gentlemen with you are here as bodyguards for Mrs. Mazur?”
I’ve never been to a wake that required this much negotiation before you saw the body. Actually, I’ve never been to a wake that required negotiation before you saw the body. I’ve been to wakes where relatives were LoJacked by the county Sheriff, but this is new.
Steph sighs. “The RangeMen are here as bodyguards for me, due to my . . . ummm . . . enemies. My grandmother is not a threat.”
The funeral director’s shoulders droop and Hal coughs. He’s turned red. “Slick,” he whispers. I raise an eyebrow. “Steph refuses to have him consider us Edna’s bodyguards, so if something happens, he can’t say we failed. We aren’t Edna’s bodyguards.”
Granny Mazur and the CO immediately go inside to pay their respects, RangeMen following close behind. The CO does not cuff her grandmother. Mrs. Mazur managed to get in without promising anything.
The moment we walk in, we’re confronted by a huge floral wreath. Mrs. Mazur looks, reads the card, and says to Steph, “I thought Maurice was an accountant. This here makes me think he won the Kentucky Derby.”
I coulda pissed myself laughing at that. Granny Mazur took the words right outta my mouth. We continue to make a beeline for the casket. Since it’s open, she peers right in.
“Stephanie!” she whispers. It’s a loud whisper. “Good God, Stephanie, look at him. No wonder he didn’t want anyone to see him. Did he just let himself go? Is that why he’s gotten so big?” She turns around to the CO. “Well, now the wreath makes sense.”
Hal’s blank face is firmly in place, but I’m sure he’s mentally laughing. I know I am. Ram and Danny have turned red.
“Who asked you for your opinion, Edna Mazur! It’s just like you to come to the funeral and make a mockery of it. My father was a wonderful woman who spent her final years with a thyroid condition, so shut your trap!”
Mary Reynolds has been advancing on Mrs. Mazur the entire time. Hal and I move swiftly to Mrs. Mazur’s side, but she’s already stepped forward toward Mrs. Reynolds.
“I didn’t call your father fat. I didn’t even say fat. I said he got big, which he is. And why are you so upset? I haven’t seen him in years and I’m here now and he’s big, that’s all. That’s fact.”
Mrs. Reynolds is pissed. I see Ram circle behind her and my XO take position at the CO’s back. Just in case.
Granny Mazur turns to move toward the cookies when she turns back around to face the bereaved. “Wait a minute! Did you say your father was a ‘wonderful woman’?”
The entire funeral home is listening. I think quickly over the conversation and, yup, the bereaved did say ‘wonderful woman’. Mary Reynolds is now looking around quickly, trying to determine how best to correct her mistake when we hear a loud ‘Clang‘ behind us.
Another old lady has opened the bottom of the casket and is peering in. “Well I’ll be, Edna! You’re right! Old Maurice here has on a skirt and heels.” She starts giggling and I’m forced to move out of the way. I’ve never seen the over-60s move that fast. The casket is quickly crowded by mourners, who peer inside and grin.
“Well, that explains why Mary didn’t look like Maurice. Louise was playing away.”
“I told you that Louise had something going with the milk man. Everyone thought I was crazy but see! I was right.”
“That’s a horrible shade of pink he’s wearing. Not quite his skin tone.”
“Those heels actually fit! What size are they?” A moment later, “Where on earth do you find size 13 extra-wide heels?”
“Maybe the man was his own jockey,” I mutter. Hal’s turning deep red and Danny’s turned away to bite his fist. I hear giggles and look to see the CO on Ram’s left side laughing into his shirt.
Edna Mazur quickly makes a beeline for the casket. She takes in the entire outfit and whirls around to Mrs. Reynolds, now red-faced and embarrassed.
“Was your father a cross dresser? Or was he just gay? Either way, obviously he wanted to go out in women’s clothing, so why don’t you put him in a dress instead of this ugly suit jacket?”
The family of the deceased looks scandalized, but the over-60s are nodding.
“My father was a man,” says Mary, indignant. “I dressed him in death just as he lived in life, a man to everyone else and a woman privately. Thanks for blowing his private life up and making it public, Edna. I should have expected no less from you.”
“Considering I’m still your parent’s age, not yours, it’s Mrs. Mazur to you.” Edna Mazur turns around and strides determinedly to the casket. She reaches in, does something, and a few minutes later, she backs away, satisfied. “There. Better.” I look inside. The deceased now has garish red lips. My blank face is getting a workout.
The funeral director immediately walks forward and attempts to remove the lipstick with his handkerchief, but it’s not coming off. He then spits on the handkerchief and starts to scrub. Every over-60 in the room cringes and looks disgusted.
“Now, I say young man, that was disgusting! You are disgusting, using spit to remove makeup. That’s unhygienic,” one older lady says, brandishing her cane. The others in the room agree. I look around for the CO. She’s in a corner, giggling with Hal. Hal’s face has returned to pink, but he’s biting his lip.
Moments later, I realize I’m in the wrong place, too close to the casket. The mourners are disgusted with the spit shine the funeral director tried to give the deceased, so they’ve advanced on him. Moments later, we hear cries of pain and requests to “Stop! Please!” I watch as Hal swiftly grabs Mrs. Mazur and proceeds directly to the exit.
I climb into the SUV and lean my head back. I’m wondering who I can tell this story to first.
“Since Mary situated her father as a woman down below, you think Maurice was wearing a thong?”
Danny’s POV
I was making a list of people to call about the funeral home incident. Mrs. Mazur managed to beat the ban and start a riot. That takes skill. I bow before her brilliance.
We return to the CO’s family home. Hal and Ram are grinning.
“Stephanie! Henry! Ramsay! This is a surprise. And you’ve brought someone new.” This is clearly Mrs. Plum. The CO inherited her mother’s eyes.
“Yes, ma’am,” Ram replies. “Mrs. Helen Plum, I’d like to introduce Daniel Woods, the head of RangeMan Atlanta and Jason Hughes, also of RangeMan Atlanta.”
“Is it just us tonight?” Steph asks.
“No, your sister’s here too,” Mrs. Plum replies. I hear Ram and Hal snigger behind me. “Your father will be thrilled.” She turns back to Jase and me. “Either of you men speak Italian?” We shake our heads. “Darn. That would’ve made your father’s day.”
We start moving toward the house but I see Jase jump again. I look around.
Granny Mazur is smiling. Again.
I’m an idiot. I honestly thought, halfway through the meal, that I was in a scene from Monty Python. It was too insane to be believed. There’s a reason why the Trenton men are considered the toughest group in the company, the most unflappable, the steadiest in a shit-storm. It’s because they get plenty of practice.
We walked in and were introduced to Mr. Plum, who did indeed look disappointed that neither of us spoke Italian. The addition of four RangeMen to the table meant extra leaves so we assisted Mr. Plum in adjusting the table.
I was felt up. Not just a little pat, but a full exploration of my ass. Jase’s blank face was on overload. I turned around and Mrs. Mazur was grinning.
“How old are you?”
I blinked. “35.”
“Still firm. Good genes.” She walked off to the kitchen, and through the open door we could hear her say, “Well, the dark-haired one has the better butt. Cute face, tight butt—” Everything else was cut off.
I reminded myself that my parents are responsible for my looks and, at that moment, they deserved the blame for the situation I was in.
I looked over at Hal and Ram, who said nothing. Just blank face. Jase’s blank face was getting a workout. The last man looked confused. Mr. Plum sighed.
“Welcome to my home. You want to get it over with now, or do you want her to chase you for months?”
“I’m from Atlanta.”
“She has her ways.”
Jase coughed and hid a smile. Mr. Plum looked at him. “You aren’t exempt either.” Jase paled and I smirked. You demanded to ride along. Suffer with me. The other man shook his head.
“She never bothers me.”
“Because she’s feeling up men, not boys,” Mr. Plum muttered. I hid a smile. “My son-in-law, Albert Clown.”
Jase blinked. “Clown?” Clown nodded.
We hadn’t been seated and this was taking on a surreal edge.
Steph was stuck at the end of the table with her mother, catching up on Trenton gossip. Hal ensured that Jase and I sat on either side of Mrs. Mazur. That rat bastard. I’m going to get him back. Ten minutes into the meal and I realized it was the best he could do. Clown dropped entire forkfuls into his lap while his wife dabbed at his shirt and tie and praised her ‘cuddle-umpkins’ for losing five pounds (I raised an eyebrow at Hal and he smirked then put his blank face back into place). His wife reached over to dab his shirt while he was lifting his fork and the entire forkful went flying into Jase’s face. Mashed potatoes and gravy hit him square in the nose. I grinned when I realized Hal had immediately grabbed his phone and taken a picture.
I’m sending that picture to all RMAtlanta if he squeals about this.
I was seated across the table from a child who had decided to become a horse and was pretending her plate was filled with hay. Every so often, she would whinny and toss her head. She really does believe she’s a horse; I watched her and felt ill. I will never complain about my boys’ eating habits ever again. As long as they use knives and forks, wipe their mouths, and use napkins, they’re cool with Daddy. The other girl is a model of propriety. Small subtle movements, never overfills her fork, and chews with her mouth closed. She’d fit in at any Junior League daughters’ tea.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Mazur decided to feel up my front. Hips and thighs are pinched and my dick? Any longer and it would’ve qualified as a frustrated hand job. I wanted to file a complaint, but Jase was really getting it. I’ll take the personal physical assault any day. Jase was in the middle of a one-sided food fight.
The baby was red and angry. She decided she’d had enough of her bottle, so she flung it across the table. Jase looked up just in time to get bonked in the head with it. Every man cringed and hid a smile. Mrs. Clown (I’m soooo laughing over that later) began apologizing profusely, but Jase waved it off good naturedly.
“It’s ok, ma’am. I have a lot of sisters and brothers. I—”
Apparently, the baby didn’t want dinner either. She swept her high chair and the bowl went flying. Jase was wearing baby cereal and milk in seconds. Bonus? Granny got hit too, so she squealed and left the table. Jase sat, milk and cereal dripping from his astonished face. Everyone looked horrified, except Mr. Plum. He took a look, grunted, and took another helping of pot roast with a smile.
Steph looked over at Jase and smiled. “Welcome to New Jersey, Jase. You’d fit in at any restaurant right now.”
My blank face left the building. I started laughing. After a moment, so did Jase. Within minutes, the entire table was chuckling.
Mrs. Clown returned with a damp washcloth and apologized. This time Jase didn’t stop her. He simply wiped his face, nodded, and looked at his plate. Everything was covered with baby cereal, but Mrs. Plum was in motion. He had a new plate and drink in moments.
“Perhaps I should take Lisa—” Clown began.
“NO!” The Plums shouted.
Clown looked around the table in surprise. Mrs. Clown smiled. “Albert, dear, Angie will take Lisa, right Angie?” Angie nodded and wiped her mouth. She was done with dinner, so she quickly grabbed the diaper bag and the baby and disappeared from view.
Granny Mazur returned to the table. Her daughter had replaced her plate also, so she sat and looked around. “Where’s the baby?”
“Angie,” Clown replied.
“Thank god for that. Let’s finish dinner and get to dessert.”
The men at the table finished dinner quietly while the ladies gossiped about the neighbors.
Mrs. Plum. “Norma Kerner refused to take the grandkids for the summer.”
Mrs. Clown, scandalized. “NO!”
“Yes! She said she and Andy had plans, but they haven’t gone anywhere. It’s so shameful.”
“Maybe they plan to go somewhere later in the summer and it would’ve been impossible to take the grandkids with them.” Silence at the CO’s quite sensible statement.
“Stephanie, that’s not the point. It’s your grandchildren. You take them whether or not it’s convenient.”
“I never did.”
“And you have no idea how much Frank and I resented you for it every time.”
“I have a good idea. Ask me if I cared. I had other things to do.” I like Granny for that. I make a mental note to send my mother flowers before asking her to take the boys for the summer.
Dessert is served, a chocolate torte. I haven’t had this in years and Mrs. Plum is a master. It’s in the Ella/Maria range of spectacular. Jase and I eat two slices and glare at the Trenton Men.
This honorary designation was hard earned.
In the apartment later that night, I asked Hal why, after so many months of Atlanta and Trenton getting along, leaning on each other and working as a team, would he do something so incredibly cruel? My ass stung and my balls felt violated. Jase looked ill. Turns out, Granny Mazur had been feeling him up too.
Hal smiled. “Two reasons. One: Trenton tradition. Every RangeMan guards the CO in the company of her grandmother at least once. Any man that can survive Granny Mazur is kept. Two, we’ll share the CO, but you sent her home in your swag. The CO, our Bombshell, came home in another man’s clothes. Retribution was required. My men demanded it.”
I thought about it and nodded. Understood.
I hope he understands that paybacks are a bitch.