Chapter 93.5: Girls Night Out, Part III
Connie’s POV
“What in the hell is a shiksa?” I’m contemplating a pedicure. I need to go get one, the sooner the better.
Marvin sighs. “It means non-Jew.”
I’m eyeing him, annoyed. “And your mother chose to call me one, because?”
Marvin rolls on top of me and smiles. “Because you’re not a Jew. It’s not an insult. It’s an endearment, really.” He kisses the side of my neck but I can tell he really wants to try for round three. “All the years you’ve lived in Jersey and you’ve never heard the word shiksa?”
“Italian. I heard every insult for Italians ever invented. I have every insult for mobster memorized. Unless you were a Meyer Lansky, I wasn’t gonna meet you.”
Marvin snorts in amusement and tugs the sheet from my chest. The man has a gifted tongue and in minutes, my nipples are dying for his undivided attention.
“So calling me a connected shiksa with big bubbies was some kinda compliment?”
Marvin nips my left nipple gently and laughs softly. “Yes.”
“Marvin?”
“Hmm…?” His fingers are traveling lower.
“I looked the word up.”
“Oh?” The fingers pause.
“Everywhere I saw it online, it meant airhead. Trophy girlfriend. A woman with only her good looks and youth to recommend her.”
Marvin sighs and rolls off me. He knows me by now. He knows he’s not getting any until I get some answers. “Costanza, you aren’t a Jew. My mother is your classic Jewish mother in one regard: she wants her children to marry Jews. I did. I married her and divorced her. You aren’t a Jew, you’re connected to the Mob, you’re six years younger than me and you made it clear kids weren’t at the top of your list.
Honestly, my mother isn’t quite sure what to make of you because it means she has to take you on your own merits. Right now, what she knows about you, aside from your family, is that you’re young, beautiful, connected—”
“And have huge tits.”
“Right.” Marvin eyes them. “Now, can I give them the attention they’re dying for?”
I roll my eyes and smile. “Please.”
Marvin’s spectacular in bed. Thank God. I was beginning to think I’d die alone.
Marvin leaves the next morning, barely in time to get to St. Francis and make his rotations. I head to the bonds office and open up.
I’m not sure what’s going on at RangeMan but I do know this: they’re outstanding employers. Really. I’ve been stunned by the fact that their health insurance covers damn near everything (so is Marvin. He wonders if they have a family plan), the 401(k) matches 100% on the first 6% (first time I’ve ever had a 401(k). Marvin had to help me understand it), and the job perks are really nice. I had a Smith and Wesson .40 pistol. I’ve been issued a Sig Sauer as the newest RangeWoman recruit.
Steph laughed and told me I had to pass standards on it but I could choose to carry my S&W. The guys just want to know that I can shoot.
The negative? The physical standards.
I met with Candy to discuss my new employment and how it would impact me and she reminded me that she’s in training too. She’s never held a gun in her life and Hal’s teaching her.
She blushed bright red, so I know that training must be interesting.
In any case, we met with Hal to discuss how the training would affect me. After all, I’m technically an employee of Vincent Plum Bail Bonds.
“Yes,” Hal said, “but that’s now a subsidiary of RangeMan, LLC. So you are a RangeMan employee.”
“Almost right,” Candy said. “Hal, she’s not working for RangeMan. She works for Plum Bail Bonds. The requirements should be different.”
Hal sat back and looked at us. “Why?”
“Because her job duties are different.” Candy produced a copy of my new employee contract, which she and I had just haggled over. “Connie’s duties require her to run the office and bond people out. She doesn’t have the heavy duty physical aspects of the job. That’s David and Vinnie and we will need them to sign new contracts also.”
“Nope,” Hal said. “That one is clear. They aren’t employees. They’re subcontractors, contract employees of Plum Bail Bonds. They aren’t full time with the company.”
“He’s right,” I told her. “BEAs are contract employees. Each skip they agree to bring in constitutes a separate contract. They aren’t actual employees.”
Candy looked at us and shrugged. “OK. Well, never mind them. Connie? Connie’s different.” Candy smiled. “I think this is something Steph needs to put on her list for her trip to San Antonio. There should be a baseline set of standards every employee should be required to follow, but special employees, like Connie, should have a different set of standards.”
Hal called Tank and Tank listened to Candy’s argument.
“Ms. Taylor, I agree.” Hal looked surprised. “Ms. Rosolli doesn’t work in the RangeMan building or as a field officer, so the requirements for a standard RangeWoman should not apply. The housekeepers standards might be the most appropriate.”
“Meaning?”
“Weight, running, self-defense and firearms training, at a minimum. Ms. Rosolli—”
“Connie.”
“Connie. You are creating rules for the bonds office?”
“Yes.”
“She’ll need to have those, and any RangeMan rules that pertain to her, memorized. Essentially, what I want to know is that Connie can protect herself. She’s worked in that office for years and never been harmed. I want to know that will continue.”
“Yes sir.” Hal disconnected the call and sat back. “Well, my boss has spoken.”
“Miracle,” I replied. I lost count of the number of words Tank actually spoke. Maybe that’s the trick. They’ll talk to other ‘RangePeople’, but not outsiders?
Hal grinned, flashing his dimple. “OK. So meet with Cal and Zero. Cal will help you with an exercise routine and Zero will establish your baseline.”
I stood up and kissed Hal. He blushed bright red. “What did I do?”
“You’re forcing Cal to talk,” I replied, picking up my purse. “I’ll finally find out what his voice sounds like.”
Cal was in the infirmary with Zero when I arrived. He smiled. “I talk. I talk a lot. I just don’t like to talk in the lobby.”
“Fifteen words!”
Candy started laughing and Zero and Cal smiled. I’m thrilled. Cal has a smooth, easy voice, a soothing voice but I can tell he’s not a Jersey native.
“Where are you from?”
“Canada. Ontario.”
I nodded. I thought so.
Zero forced Cal and Candy to leave before starting my health assessment. He weighed me (I gained ten pounds. Not good on my frame.), measured me everywhere (he grinned at my chest measurement and I slapped his arm. “You know they’re big.” “Yeah, but I’m confirming it now.”), and took blood for more tests. He even asked me questions I normally only answer for my gyno, but he did it in a matter-of-fact way that left me feeling comforted.
At the end, he said, “What you tell me in here will never go anywhere else. What’s said to me stays between you, me, and God unless you authorize me to share it with others.”
“Never?” I can just imagine the RangeMen peeking at my chest measurement.
“Never,” he replied firmly. “The medical release you signed allows me to share some of your information with the housekeeper and the Chief Medical Officer, Bobby Brown, but only when medically necessary. No one looks at my files other than me.” He passed me a card with his contact information. “If you ever need me, day or night, call.” He grinned. “I know you’re dating a doctor—”
“How?” I’m mystified.
“Background check.” I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, I know you’re dating him but you can always talk to me too. One thing?”
“Yeah?”
“If you have a check-up or a doctor’s visit, please ask them to forward a copy of the results to me. I like to keep my records up to date.”
I nodded. “Will do.”
He handed me a card. “Give this to Cal. He’ll come up with a workout plan for you to get you into fighting shape.” He smiled and held out his hand. “Welcome to RangeMan, Connie Rosolli.”
I rolled my eyes. “You sound too happy about this.” I left his office and ran right into Cal. “OK, so what now?”
He took the card, looked at it, backed up and scanned my body, and whistled. “Initial health assessment but I can already tell you do a good job trying to stay in shape.”
I was pleased he noticed but, “How did you know?”
He smiled and motioned for me to step into the elevator. “Your calves. They’re not just the calves of a woman who wears heels all the time. You walk a lot.”
He’s absolutely right. My penance for pasta. We entered the gym and he immediately checked my ability to run a mile (took me nearly half an hour) and lift weights (that I can do).
“OK, since you have my complete attention, I’m going to put you on an exercise plan that will help you run two miles in 25 minutes,”—I grimaced—”and lift 110 pounds of weight. I’m also going to put together a self-defense assessment—”
“I’ve had one of those.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yeah. Well, I’ve had classes.”
“OK. Well, I can assess you now if you want.”
“Go for it.”
Cal placed the clipboard on his chair and waved me into the center of the room. He started off slow, asking me to break out of holds and try to take him down. I remembered this part of Steph’s clearance and I’m feeling good. I took a self-defense class years ago and, after watching Steph pass and hearing Lula talk about what’s she’s going through in Texas, I went and signed up for a refresher course. ML joined me, since it took place during lunch.
The holds got progressively harder before Cal switched to attacking me in different ways, all kinds of attacks. The class came back with a vengeance. The woman who taught our classes believed in rape prevention and she stressed the mind-body connection. So while Cal tried to take me down, I was also screaming in his ears, high pitched screams that brought every RangeMan, plus Steph and Candy, down to the gym.
Finally, Cal backed away, shaking his head. “Shit! OK, you pass on the self-defense assessment.”
I was laid out on the mats, panting. I could see why Steph was so exhausted after she did this. It’s one thing to do it in class. It’s another to have a 200 pound RangeMan continually attacking you. I was sure my hair had deflated.
“Connie?” I opened my eyes and Candy and Steph were hovering over me.
“Water,” I gasp and three hands immediately thrust water bottles at me. Candy pulled me into a sitting position and I downed a water without taking a single breath.
“Nice job, Connie,” Steph said, smiling. “The guys taped it”—Cal groaned—”and you looked good trying to take Cal down.”
“Yeah,” Candy giggled. “I’ve never seen the ‘disable by butt’ procedure, but I can’t wait to try that one.” Steph and Candy laughed. Hal turned red and shook his head.
Cal walked over with his clipboard. “Connie Rosolli, you need to work on the running, work on lifting 30 more pounds of weight, and the range assessment. I expect you’ll clear in six weeks.” He reached out a hand and pulled me, effortlessly it seemed, to my feet.
“You’ll probably clear these standards the fastest I’ve ever seen anyone do it.”
“Anyway, his mom called me a shiksa.” I put my coffee cup down and sigh. Ever since Lula left for Texas, ML and I have been getting together more and more. Without Steph and Lula around, we’re lonely and bored.
ML dropped into the bonds office today to hang out with me. She has fresh gossip. There was a showdown at Giovichinni’s an hour ago and the Burg is buzzing. We’re dying to call Steph, get the scoop and start the counter rumors, if necessary.
“And?”
“I looked it up. Trophy wife.” ML cringes. “He says it means non-Jew and could be an endearment but she wasn’t being endearing when she said it.”
“Geez. Well, you and Marvin are getting along fine, right?”
“ML, Uncle Jimmy thinks he’s the best thing since no-boil lasagna noodles.” ML laughs. “They’re eager to see me with a doctor.”
“Because they think marriage and babies will be next?” ML asks, handing me another file.
“Got it in one. If Uncle Jimmy could convince him to back off that low-calorie diet, Marvin would become his favorite almost-nephew.” ML laughs while I start scanning the paperwork. I’m also scanning GroupOn. It’s become my new obsession. I’m looking for something new to do and I find it.
“Hey, what do you think about having a fondue party?”
“A what?”
“A fondue party. You know, stuff on sticks, you dip it into chocolate or oil and eat it.”
ML looks thoughtful. “You know, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I got a fondue set for a wedding gift and I’ve never used it.”
“Well, GroupOn has a sale on fondue parties for two or for four. Let’s see if Steph can ditch the guards tonight and come with us.”
I hit the speed dial I have for Steph’s office. She gave me the direct number and I try not to call it often. Don’t want to abuse the privilege.
“Yo!”
“Yo!” ML and I shake our heads. Steph can’t say anything about RangeMan phone manners anymore. She’s become one of them.
“Hey! What’s going on?”
“We found a GroupOn deal we want to try. Fondue party.”
“I got a fondue set when I married Dickie. First thing I tossed.”
I laugh. “Must be a Burg thing. You, me, and ML got one. ML is here and I just found this. Four people could go for $49. You in?”
“Yeah. Who’s the fourth?”
“Why not Candy?” ML says. “You wanted us to get to know her. Let’s start inviting her along.”
I roll my eyes mentally. Candy seems like a nice girl but . . . her chest is bigger than mine and she’s a shapely blond. And a decade younger than me. It’s hard to hang out with her and feel sexy. Still, she is new to the area, head over heels in love with Hal, and she seems nice. I’m sure she’ll be a lot of fun.
I know from experience to try to book the reservation first, then buy the deal. This deal is available for an entire year, so that’s a clue that it’s not popular. I do a little web sleuthing and read the reviews.
“Damn. Horrible reviews.”
“Really?” ML says. She pulls her chair around and reads the reviews with me. We’re both bummed. “Well, let’s have the party anyway! I mean, you have a fondue set, I have one, we could do it ourselves, right?”
“Yeah . . .”
“OK, so let’s do it ourselves!”
“Sounds like a lot of work,” Steph says. “We could pony up $15 bucks or we could buy everything necessary to do it on our own.”
I scan the reviews. They’re all recent and they’re all uniformly bad. We’re taking a chance here.
“I’ll book the restaurant.” I look up the number. “By the way, Steph, are you going to tell us what happened between you and Mrs. Morelli?”
We hear a sigh. “Already circulating, huh?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
“That was barely an hour ago!”
“Time bends for the Burg.”
“The Sweet and Savory fondue party begins with a cheese fondue, followed by a chocolate-fondue course. It also includes a choice of coffee, tea, or chocolate beverage for each person, as well as a take-home goody bag of chocolates per couple.” Steph scans the rest of the coupon and smiles. “This sounds like fun.”
“It’s chocolate. I think it automatically qualifies as fun,” Candy says.
We’re in my car headed to Pennington. Ram and Hal decided to tag along on this one. Candy said the moment Hal saw the word ‘chocolate’, he called this assignment.
“He has a serious sweet tooth,” she says. “I have to hide chocolate in our apartment. Otherwise, he’d eat it the moment he sees it. He’s a chocoholic.”
“Hal?” Steph says.
“Yeah. Only chocolate though. Or chocolate and peanut butter.” Candy sighs. “I thought that meeting a man who loves chocolate and peanut butter as much as I do would be a dream come true but it’s a nightmare! It means we fight over the supply!”
We’re all laughing. Poor Candy.
“Where do you hide it?” ML asks.
“Tampon box.” We giggle. “Hal’s a wonderful man but the inside of a tampon box is a mystery and a no-go area for him right now.” We have tears running down our faces. “I know we’re ready for that next step when he’s as comfortable with my tampons as I am with his condoms.”
“He’s afraid of tampons?” I ask.
“No. He thinks of them as ‘lady things’ and he’s . . . well, squeamish.”
Steph’s sinking in the seat laughing.
“Don’t feel bad,” ML says. “That’s the way Lenny felt for at least two years. It wasn’t until we had our second son that he got over it.”
“What does he do when you need one?” Steph asks Candy.
“He brings me the entire box,” Candy replies. “Right now, that’s working for me. The moment he realizes I’m hiding my chocolate in an empty box, I’m done for.”
We’re all wiping our faces and laughing. Poor Hal. He’d blush if he knew we were talking about him.
We pull up outside the restaurant, get out and stop dead in the parking lot. It smells overwhelmingly of chocolate and sweets.
My mouth is drooling. How could anyone live near here and not weigh a thousand pounds?
I hear a camera noise and I look around. Every woman is drooling and so is Hal. Ram is taking pictures of all of us and smiling.
“Blackmail.”
I grin. He’s gorgeous but impractical. Steph told me, in confidence, that Ram is a decorated sniper. I immediately put him on the eye candy list and started looking again. Marvin came along at just the right moment.
Hal tugs Candy and that pulls her out of her daze. “Inside. Now.”
“Yeah. I agree.” Candy tugs Steph, whose eyes have completely glazed over. “Steph? They’ll let you eat it if you go inside.”
“Right.” Steph starts walking to the front door and we all catch up with her. We walk in and I present my coupon. Ram presents the one for the guys and asks for adjoining tables. Meanwhile, ML, Candy, Steph and I have drifted over to the display cases.
“Chocolate dipped Little Debbie snack cakes,” ML reads. She looks up at me. “This was a terrible idea.”
“Why?” I’m thinking about the number of miles I’ll have to run to work off the macaroons.
“Because I plan to buy the display case.”
Steph nods in agreement, eyeing the chocolate dipped Swiss rolls.
Meanwhile, Candy and Hal are in negotiations near me. “No, I mean it, Hal! We buy separately and we keep our stashes separate. If you come anywhere near mine, you might lose a finger!” Candy has a piece of paper out and is making a list.
Hal looks upset. “Candy, I share my on-site apartment with Ram! I can’t hide candy in there. He’s laughing but he has a sweet tooth too! And I definitely can’t hide it in my office. I love Steph but cakes, cookies, and candy on-site belong to her! She’ll find it. I’ll never be able to eat it. I need your help, baby,” he moans. “Your office is off-limits without an appointment.”
Hal walks up behind her and nuzzles her behind her ear. It’s cute and gag-worthy at the same time. I look over and Steph and Ram are grinning and rolling their eyes.
ML slides over to me. “Young love,” she says, fluttering her eyelashes. Steph and Ram both snort and turn to the side to hide their laughs.
Steph was right; Hal and Candy are oblivious to anything besides themselves.
Candy sighs. “Fine. I’ll hide part of it in my drawer at work but you can’t touch what I keep at home.”
“Fine. I’ll have a stash at home, you’ll have a stash at home and we’ll both have a stash at work. That works for me.” Hal smiles and looks over at Ram, who is red and biting his lip. “Can’t wait to see how you protect your stash.”
“I’m not worried,” Ram replies. “Steph wouldn’t eat my stash from me.”
Steph gives him a look of extreme disbelief and we all laugh. The hostess reappears and sits us at our tables.
“Since you have a GroupOn Coupon for a special promotion, your menu is set. First up is the cheese fondue with crudités. After that is the chocolate fondue with fruit and cake. Any questions?”
“Can we have some water?” ML asks.
“Sure.” The waitress waits for a moment then leaves. She returns with the water and, soon after, our cheese fondue appears.
“Is this it?” Candy asks. We peer inside the fondue pot. The cheese looks like Velveeta and our ‘crudités’ are a few limp looking pieces of broccoli, a shriveled carrot and a few stale pieces of bread. Steph pokes one and grimaces.
“That’s not bread. That’s a crouton.”
We hear a gagging noise next to us and we look over. Ram looks disgusted and Hal’s taking a picture of his face. Ram looks at us. “Eat at your own risk.”
We each stare at the sad little vegetable on the ends of out fondue fork and slowly push the cheese pot away.
“This chocolate fondue had better be worth it,” ML grouses. We’ve been waiting 20 minutes for it to appear. The waitress didn’t look too surprise that the cheese fondue hadn’t been touched.
“I think we should hope it appears sometime this century,” Hal mutters. We’ve been making chitchat, trying to pass the time, gossiping about Vinnie and the bonds shop, but our stomachs are moaning. Steph’s has growled impressively and caused a waiter to stop mid-stride and stare.
“Yeah, feed him,” Steph told him.
“I get the idea,” he replied. That was ten minutes ago.
Ram and Hal are talking about what they’d like to do to cut into Les Sebring’s business when Marvin’s mother walks in. “Damn.”
“What?” Steph asks.
“Marvin’s mom at 2 o’clock.” Everyone looks over. Mrs. Cowen has stepped in with three of her friends. They’re all dressed in skirt suits with pearls. I keep watching and Marvin appears.
There’s a beautiful young girl on his arm. No older than 25. 5’10, 130, my boobs. She’s me with about five extra inches to accommodate the weight. Hell, she’s a brunette Candy!
I’m furious.
The entire table has gone quiet. She and Marvin are laughing quietly and the group is seated near us but with their backs to me. They’re looking through the menu and laughing with the waitress. They’ve been here before.
“Connie, don’t assume anything,” ML says quietly. “Text him and see if he answers.”
I whip out my phone. Hey! Busy tonight?
Marvin manages to tear his eyes away from her long enough to check his phone. I see a small smile. PLEASE rescue me!
The message confuses me. Steph looks at it and smiles. “OK, so maybe this isn’t what it looks like.”
Why? What’s wrong?
One minute. Marvin excuses himself from the table and walks outside. My phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” he says quietly. “Please give me some pretext to leave where I am.”
“Where are you?”
“Pennington. Some fondue place with my mother and her friends.”
“Oh? So why do you need the rescue?”
“Because if I can’t come up with a good excuse to leave, I’ll be stuck here listening to them kvetch and moan for at least an hour while my mother’s friend’s daughter tries her best to start a tornado with her false eyelashes.”
I smile. “Medical emergency?”
“My mother knows I’m off-duty. That’s how she got me here. She knows my partners are covering my cases.”
I laugh quietly. “Well, is it that bad?”
“I’m a successful, unmarried doctor. I’m considered a free-range bachelor. They’re determined to spear me and wrestle me to an altar.”
“Darn.” I’m turning red trying not to laugh. “Walk back in and walk right past your table.” Click.
I stow my phone in my purse again and wait. Marvin walks back in, looking confused but he walks to his table slowly. I see him scan the restaurant.
Everyone waves at him.
He starts laughing and walks right over to us. I see his mother and her friends peering around the corner to stare.
“Hey.” Steph moves so I can get out of the booth. I stand and kiss him and he smiles. “You haven’t met my friends. Everyone, this is Marvin Cowen. Marvin, this is Steph, Mary Lou, Candy, Hal and Ram.”
“Great to meet all of you,” he says, dropping his arm around my waist and squeezing extra tight.
“Nice to finally meet you too,” ML says with a broad grin. “Want to sit for a moment?”
“Yes! Sounds good.”
Steph scoots over next to ML and Marvin and I sit in the booth. I peek at his mother, who is looking at me with a very determined blank face. I wave politely and get a pinched smile back.
“So, how is this place so far?” Marvin asks.
Steph’s stomach growls in response. He looks at it in awe.
“Love me, love the Beast,” Steph says in embarrassment.
“He’s impressive,” Marvin says, smiling. “Normally, I’d refer you to a gastroenterologist, but that’s a hunger noise?” She nods. “Well, as long as it’s identifiable.”
The chocolate fondue finally arrives but the waitress is confused. “Wait a second. Your coupon clearly states four people.”
“I’m with the group over there,” Marvin says, pointing. “I didn’t realize my girlfriend was here.” He looks at me and sighs. “I’ll return to that table. I’m not sharing their coupon.”
“Oh.” She sets the chocolate fondue down and scurries off.
Smart move.
This is the thinnest, saddest chocolate we’ve ever seen. Steph immediately spears a piece of pound cake and dips it into the chocolate and tries it. We all watch as her face immediately scrunches into a frown.
“Disgusting.”
We look at the remaining pound cake, chocolate pieces, and fruit and our shoulders slump. Marvin spears a strawberry and dips it into the chocolate. He holds it out for me to bite into and I bite quickly, hoping chocolate didn’t drip onto me.
Steph’s right. It’s terrible. It’s dark chocolate but they thinned it and let it scorch. It’s terrible.
“ML, you were right,” Steph says. “For what we paid for this, we could have done this at home.”
“So why don’t we?” ML says, getting excited again. “Look, honestly, I’d love to use my fondue pot at least once. You’ve leaving for Atlanta soon, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So, come over to my house—”
“My house,” I cut in. “Come over to my house tonight. We’ll do this right, drink wine and have fun.”
Steph looks at Hal and Ram. “I’m going offline tonight.” The guys groan and Steph grins. “You can’t complain. I’m going to a contained area.”
We walk to the front to pay, but I’m determined not to pay a penny for this.
“That’ll be $52.43. Would you like to leave the tip on a card?”
“Nope. I’d like to speak to the manager.”
She stares at me for a moment before walking off. After three minutes I wave to everyone. “Go ahead. I’ll meet up with you guys later.”
Everyone leaves and the manager appears five minutes later.
“Costanza!”
I turn. Benny ‘the Rat’ Mozetti. I smile. “Benny! Good to see you.” I get a hug. “How’s life?”
“Good, good. You here to try the special?” He’s all grins but he’s nervous. Uncle Jimmy’s been looking for him for a few weeks. His bad luck I decided to come here at all.
“I tried it. Or I should say, it was delivered to my table and it was terrible. The cheese was terrible, the chocolate was terrible, we didn’t eat it and the service was terrible.”
“Oh.” He sobers. “Well, since you didn’t enjoy it, I definitely don’t want you to pay for it.”
“Glad you see it my way.” I turn to the waitress, who looks pissed, and pass her a $10 bill. She flashes me a grateful smile and walks off. “Now Benny, come with me for a moment.”
I take his arm and walk him over to Mrs. Cowen’s table. “Mrs. Cowen, this is Benny Mozetti. He’s the manager here. I wanted to introduce you.”
She smiles graciously at him and extends a hand for him to kiss. “Benny, a pleasure.”
I smile at Benny, who clearly wants to know what I’m up to. “Benny’s an old friend of mine and I’m sure any friends of mine are friends of his, right?”
“Absolutely, Costanza.”
“Which is why they’ll have an outstanding time here this afternoon, right?”
“Of course.”
“Great!” I beam. “I’ll wait for Mrs. Cowen to tell me how she enjoyed her time here before I tell my Family where this place is. This sounds like just the kind of place they’d love to find.”
Benny stares at me for a moment before nodding, smiling big. “Yes, I’ll make sure your friends have a wonderful time, Costanza.” He kisses my hands. “Thank you for your assistance.”
“No problem, Benny. No problem.”
We banned men. That was rule one.
Hal and Ram agreed to give Marvin cover to get out of there. Marvin is supposedly headed to RangeMan to discuss becoming their supervising physician. He’s really headed to his house to take a nap.
It worked. Since Hal and Ram had their business cards, Hal could prove he was the General Manager and Ram proved he was the head of Client Services. Mrs. Cowen scowled but she didn’t have a comeback. It was a business opportunity for Marvin.
Plus, it was a chance to get to know two handsome single men. I could see her friends were clearly wondering if Hal and Ram were single.
We’re getting together late tonight to try this again. Since Steph tossed her fondue pot, ML and I both dig ours out and clean them. We tossed for the menu while waiting for the manager. I lost and got cheese, so I look up what’s necessary for a cheese fondue and hit the grocery store. I purchase a veggie platter to make life simple and the cheese necessary to make the fondue. Total cost? $30.
I drag everything home, pull out my recipe for cheese fondue and slowly start heating the cheese I purchased. I hear the doorbell.
“Come in!” I yell.
The door opens behind me. “Great way to get killed, Connie,” Candy says, placing the bucket of Cluck in a Bucket and the bag of baked goodies on my dining room table.
“If you attack me, I’m hitting you with hot cheese,” I reply, smiling. “Welcome to my home.”
Tony and I did a lot of rehab when we first moved in but I’m glad I didn’t buy a huge house. This place is 1300 sq. ft., just big enough for me. Keeping the backyard mowed is enough work for me.
I notice Steph’s looking around and I realize she’s never been here. “Want to look around? Three bedrooms, one and a half baths, so it shouldn’t take long.”
She grins and she and Candy start looking around. I’m proud of everything I’ve done to make the house comfy for me. It might look like a Colonial from the outside, but inside, it’s all beach chic. Going to Atlantic City as a kid was the highlight of my summers and I tried to recreate that feeling. So I have a navy, white, and beige color scheme going. Lots of natural hardwood floors, a slipcovered white couch, and big oversized ottomans. My house is comfortable.
Candy and Steph return 15 minutes later, just as ML is walking in the door. Candy goes outside to grab the fruit tray and ML sets her fondue pot on the dining room table. I pour the cheese into my fondue pot and transfer that to the dining room.
We sit around the table. ML cuts the Entenmann’s pound cake into cubes, Steph passes snack cakes and Candy and I unwrap the fruit and vegetable plates. Finally, everything is ready for us. We sit and stare at ML’s fondue pot.
Even I’m more interested in the chocolate than the cheese.
Steph’s stomach grumbles and she blushes slightly. “Well, maybe I should eat something first.”
We all laugh and I grab my plates. We divide the chicken, load the veggies onto our plates, and start dipping the veggies into the cheese. Combined with the fried chicken, this is a great dinner.
“OK, Steph, you’ve held out on us,” ML says. “The Burg has been buzzing all day about you and Angie Morelli chatting like old friends at Giovichinni’s today. What’s up there?”
“Yeah, I’m curious too.” I add. “First, you guys look like friends, then you read the piece of paper she handed you and stormed out of there without getting your order. The Burg later reported you dropped by the Morelli house and stayed for at least an hour.”
“CRAP!” Steph says, slapping her forehead. “I forgot the olive loaf.” She pulls her phone out and dials. “Hi Mom. . . Really? All over the Burg, huh? . . . Yeah, OK, I’ll come to dinner tomorrow . . . Yes, I’ll get the olive loaf and the cheese. . . Swiss. Right. Got it. Bye.”
She sighs heavily and dips a carrot into the cheese fondue.
“Well, at Giovichinni’s she stood up for me. I’d already gone off and told everyone to stay out of my business. She called them pathetic.”
My jaw drops. So does ML. Candy, who has no idea of the power of the Burg influence, looks confused.
“Everyone in the deli?” Candy asks. Steph nods. “Wow . . .,” Candy says, looking confused.
“No, you don’t get it,” ML says, shaking her head. “The Burg in Trenton . . . the Burg . . . ” ML doesn’t know how to explain.
“The Burg has been the decider of things in Trenton for years,” I tell her. “The ‘Burg'”—I finger quote—”is a combination of your priest/pastor/confessor, your doctor, your teacher, every authority figure you can think of. The Burg literally runs lives around here. People are devoted to the Burg and its opinion, its influence, its—”
“Kinda like Gossip Girl?” Candy asks.
It’s moments like that that remind us how young Candy is. ML, Steph, and I look at each other and start laughing.
“Yeah,” I reply. I’m hooked on Gossip Girl. “It’s exactly like Gossip Girl. Everyone is a part of it and no one can control it.”
“Seriously,” ML says. “So for Angie Morelli, widely acknowledged as a Queen Bee housekeeper beyond measure, to stand in Giovichinni’s, a Burg institution, and tell everyone to get their collective noses out of Stephanie’s business is like having the Pope forgive Madonna or Sinead O’Connor.” Candy’s jaw drops. “Exactly. It’s huge.”
“That’s like standing in the middle of church and telling everyone to kiss your ass,” I add.
Steph snorts. “So you should love the next part of this.”
“What happened?” ML asks. We’re working our way through this cheese fondue and I have to admit, this wasn’t a bad idea.
“Basically, Joe sent her a message to give to me.” Steph puts her drumstick down and drinks her water. I grab some sodas and return, unwilling to miss a minute of this. “Basically, it was another breakup message.” ML gasps. “He’s not interested, try ‘Cuba’, good luck.”
And again, my jaw and ML’s jaw have dropped.
“What. An. Asshole,” ML says, furious.
“Exactly,” Steph says.
Candy looks at all of us and I smile. “They were supposed to be in an ‘off-phase’,” I tell her, “code for him giving her time to think.”
“Oh,” she says. “Cuba?”
“Ranger.”
Candy’s jaw drops. “So basically, he said, ‘you know what, never mind, try hooking up with your boss and good luck?”
We nod.
“Asshole,” Candy says, incensed. “I’ll bet he met someone.”
Steph smiles grimly. “Yes, he did.”
I look at ML. “Screw the cheese. Pass the chocolate. I think we all need it.”
Steph’s not willing to give us all the dirty details of what went down between her and Mrs. Morelli. I’m OK with that. Knowing that Joe met someone else and decided to call it quits is enough for me.
“Good thing he has given up,” I tell Steph, twirling my pineapple in the chocolate fondue. ML did an excellent job. “I think he’d be gutted if he knew you’d moved on from him months ago anyway.”
“Yeah,” ML says. She dunks her pound cake into the chocolate, nearly dislodging my pineapple. “You and Ranger had already decided to make a go of it before he left on his mission, right?”
“Yup.” Steph’s dunking her Swiss cake roll. That looks like a good idea. I motion to Candy to pass me one.
“Well, then that’s good all around. Maybe Joe will come back with a new girlfriend, maybe not. No matter what, you and Ranger will be together and doing your thing. Joe can just deal.”
“Exactly.”
“So, let me be sure I have this straight,” Candy says. “You and Joe broke up. You and Ranger got together. Both of them left on a mission. Well, Ranger went on a mission. Joe is on the West Coast somewhere.” We nod. “Joe’s sent you a message that he’s met someone else instead of giving you time and space you don’t need to make a decision in favor of him that you won’t make.”
We stare at her. ML smiles. “Candy, you’re not used to doing this, are you?”
“Doing what?” she says.
We all laugh, even Steph. “Bashing men,” I reply. “This is the part where we bash Joe, not make sense of the situation. We bash him, eat chocolate, drink wine and once we’re drunk and happy, then we explain away what happened.”
“You’re screwing up the order,” Steph says, laughing.
“Oh, sorry,” Candy says, beet red. “Let me try again. You and Joe broke up. You and Ranger got together. Joe is on the West Coast somewhere but instead of believing in you and giving you time to make a decision, he’s decided to take this ‘off time’ to date other people and have fun because by the time he comes back he thinks Ranger will be back and it’ll be back to status quo again?”
“Good job,” ML says. Steph’s just laughing. I refill the wine, grinning at Candy.
“Much better. You need more time with us. We’ll get you there.”
Candy laughs and her phone beeps. She sighs. “Hal.” She leaves the table and returns minutes later with that goofy smile on her face. ML and I look at each other and grin.
“So what did Mr. Tall, Blond and Muscley want?”
Candy blushes. “Wanted to know if Steph and I would need a pick up later tonight. He’s about to chill for the evening but he wanted to make sure we’re OK.”
“We’re offline. We’ll be fine,” Steph says, dunking another Swiss roll.
“And if you guys drink too much, you can always stay here overnight. I have a gun, both of you have guns, and ML is dangerous with a pot.”
ML pokes me and we laugh.
“Congrats on passing most of the RangeWoman standards, Connie,” Candy says. “I’m jealous. Hal’s still trying to get me comfortable with a gun.”
“Ask Ram for help.”
“I did. I’m getting better a lot faster with his help.”
“Well, how do you like the area, Candy? Making friends?” ML asks. We’re almost out of pound cake.
Candy frowns. “Well, I’m a Miami native and nothing beats Florida for beauty in the winter, but I like being up here. Making friends?” She shrugs. “Not really?”
We all sober. “Why?”
She looks at us and swallows hard. “Everything around here is so cliquish. If you don’t know someone, you can’t make friends. I think I must have run into your Burg people,” she tells ML. “Women my age around here are married to their high school sweethearts and working on baby #2. They get together in groups and talk about me and I can tell when they’re doing it.” She snorts. “I’ve been watching people talk about me ever since I got my first training bra.”
“You didn’t ask for the body you got,” I murmur, trying to spear another piece of pineapple.
“Exactly.” I look over at her. She’s solemn. “I don’t have a lot of girlfriends. The ones I had in Atlantic City, I try to keep up with them but we don’t get together and hang out anymore because I work days now and they work nights. It’s hard. Women here who aren’t happy homemakers work at the Capitol and Hal told me to be careful. I see what he meant. I got the feeling, a few times, that they were trying to pump me for information about RangeMan, so I stopped trying to make friends with them.” She sighs. “I feel a bit isolated sometimes. Without Steph and Ella, I might go mad in that building.”
Steph snorts. “I know. Believe me, I know.” She grins at her. “Before I hired you, it was me and Ella. Before I joined, just Ella.”
We all chuckle at that. Surrounded by handsome men all day sounds nice in theory. Steph, Candy and Ella practically live with them.
“I have Steph. I have Ella. I have Lula by phone—”
“Crap!” ML, Steph and I yell in unison. “We didn’t even call Lula!” I dial Lula and she answers.
“Hey!”
“Hey! How’s Texas?”
“Hot. Shit, nothing’s changed here. What’s up there?”
“Great,” I reply. “Let us give you the recap.” We catch her up on Steph’s showdown really quick. We hear Lula snort.
“So his momma decided to she was gonna stick her nose where it didn’t belong huh? Well, good for you, Steph. I’m glad you told her to mind her own damn business. Wasn’t none of what she said her business. She shoulda kept that to herself. I wonder, though, why she decided to get brave now. Wonder what this other woman is like that Joe decided that he thinks he doesn’t love you anymore. Don’t sound like much of a difference between you and her to me. I bet this chick’s a blond like Terry.”
“Oohh, good point, Lula,” ML says.
Lula keeps grousing on about Mrs. Morelli to the point that I wonder if everything is OK in paradise. “Lula? Is everything OK between you and Mrs. Carol Jean?”
“Huh? Yeah! Girl, you know I love that woman. I guess I’m pissed because I’m getting the mother-in-law from heaven and Steph nearly had the mother-in-law from hell—”
“A second time,” Steph mutters.
“And being out here and seeing how a good woman, who loves her son, treats the women he loves just makes me mad for Steph. Mrs. Morelli shoulda kept her mouth closed and just been thankful if that’s really how she felt about you, Steph. I wish I could put a cap in her ass but Tank says I can’t have a gun.” Lula snorts. “He didn’t say shit about a taser though and I’m willing to shock the shit outta her.”
We all fall out laughing. Lula has not changed.
“So what’s a mentsh?”
Marvin sighs. Yet again, we’re naked, he’s eager, and I’m wondering about the new word his mother called me. It didn’t sound bad but neither did shiksa.
“Means an honorable, decent person. A helpful person. Why?”
That sounds much better. “She called me to tell me she enjoyed her afternoon at the fondue place.”
“Yeah, she told me.” He rolls off me and eyes my nipples. “They had a great time. Excellent cheese and chocolate fondues, almost overeager manager, and they got it at the discount price. My mother was thrilled.”
I smile. So was Uncle Jimmy. The moment I got off the phone with Mrs. Cowen I called him. They caught Benny late last night.
“Why do we end up talking about my mother when we get in bed?” Marvin asks.
Good question. I fish another condom off the side table and smile.
“Round three?”
