Chapter 111: The Power to Hurt Me
Ranger‘s POV
One clean slice.
That’s all it took to remove James White’s head from his body.
He expected to be shot. Don’t know why. He knows his people. He should have expected a machete.
Trent passes me all the info the FBI has collected on White’s death so far. Gang killing. MS-13 with a machete. What’s interesting is that there aren’t any tags near his body.
“I’m betting Alberto, Damian’s second,” I tell Trent after reviewing the info.
“No tags.”
I point to the picture of the headless body. “That’s the tag. Contact the DEA and see if they have any informants working with or in the Cartel Juarez. If they do, see what the gossip is.” I put the info down and look at the task force. Every member, including Morelli, is here. “This had to be sanctioned, since White was their member in the FBI. This brings the full weight of the US government down on them. They’ll be ready for blow back.”
“They are ready,” Martinez says. I nod for him to continue. “The guy I was tailing is getting cagey and nervous. All Sureños outside DC have been told to get back to LA.”
Everyone agrees. Then Morelli speaks.
“Every remaining Sureño has been told to start a search for Gabriel Levy. They want him bad. And fast.”
My blood runs cold.
“Do we know who Gabriel Levy is?” Trent asks, frowning. I nod just slightly and he’s silent.
“Any other questions?” Negatives all around and everyone packs up to leave. I’ve promised to try to get everyone home before Thanksgiving, so the debriefs start tomorrow.
I’m watching Morelli. He fell for ‘Sharon’ and she for him. Just as I see them about to make plans, I call his name. He stomps over, irritation clear.
“Yeah?”
“Outside.” He follows me into a separate room and closes the door. I pull him close.
“I’ve arranged for you to take another assignment,” I whisper.
He scowls. “How nice. Didn’t think to ask me first, though, I see.”
“My apologies. I assumed you like living.” He grinds his teeth. “Exactly. You and I are tied together on this case. Your cover was California. I arranged for you to work three months out there on a case with ATF.”
“Oh. What kind of case?” I give him a quick rundown and he nods. “Can I update family?” I nod. “OK. Fine. Thanks.” He glances back at the door.
Interesting. Not a single thought for Steph. He wants to talk to Sharon before she disappears. Well, it’s definitely over on his end.
“White and Damian tied us together.” His head swivels back around and he pales. Interesting look on an Italian. “Exactly. At the moment, all that’s known is that you and I are tied together through Steph. I plan to be seen in the Middle East, so my alibi is set. Make sure you’re seen in Cali.”
“Is that why you wanted me to have a partner?” I nod. “You couldn’t tell me this earlier?”
“Nothing to tell, but now that you’re going to the West Coast, you need to know. Be seen but be careful.”
“Thanks,” he mutters, running his hands through his hair.
“Last thing.” He raises a brow. I extend my hand. “Keyfob.”
He digs it out of his pocket, works it off his keychain and stares at it. He finally looks up at me and extends his hand.
“Congratulations.” I raise an eyebrow. “You didn’t lose a single agent, you brought in the bad guys, and you found the ringleaders.”
“That’s why they hired me,” I reply, smirking.
“Accept the compliment, Mañoso, and quit being an ass,” he says, laughing.
I shake, amused. “Less insane than you thought?”
“No, you’re still nuts but, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, I’d work with you on a case like this again.”
“You enjoyed the spending. I saw your credit card receipts.”
“I enjoyed the flawless intel. The top shelf liquor and the new suits were just a bonus.”
“Eating my profits.” I smirk.
“How much did you charge for this?” He looks curious.
I stare at him. “The government paid my price. That’s all you need to know.”
“Fuck! That’s insane! And one man got paid that?” He’s looking at me in disbelief, but I raise an eyebrow.
“Consider everything I’ve done over the past few months that you know about then triple your assumption.” I wave my hand and his jaw drops. “I earned my contracted amount.”
“Fuck,” he says quietly.
“I know my worth.” I decide that since he’s been man enough to say it, I’ll say it back. “You’re a good cop, great cop, and you made doing the job easy. Thank you. Why do you stay in Jersey?”
His smile drops. “If not me, then who?”
I stare at Morelli and, for the first time ever, I completely respect the man. He’s committed to going back to earn shit wages in a city that doesn’t trust him, doesn’t respect him, once arrested him, and can’t survive without him. He’s had time to consider leaving and he’s still willing to put his life in danger for shit pay and benefits.
And he finally realized he had an unhealthy pattern of behavior in his personal life and put a stop to it. Did it in a shitty way, but he still did it.
He’s a good man. I’m still a better one.
I earned, in nine months, what Trenton PD begs for over 2.5 years. It’s not fair, but I put my life on the line, put my woman in danger and put my company at risk all for a government that likes to jerk me around on occasion. I earned my money, kept my romantic rival alive, and tried to romance my woman. I’ve been a busy fucker and I’m still alive at the end, having identified all the perpetrators and kept my agents alive.
My hand clutches the keyfob and we both nod at each other. We’ll never be true friends but the rivalry is gone. We can respect each other again, at the least. I watch him walk back to the door, where ‘Sharon’ looks relieved to see him again.
I wonder if I should tell him the chief of detectives position has opened up again in Trenton PD.
“Yo.”
He stops on the threshold and looks at me. “Yeah?”
“Chief of Ds position is open again. You want it?”
“You have that kind of power?”
“The other guy was a placeholder. Chief wants you.”
He’s thoughtful. “Thanks. I’ll think about it. I’ve got time to consider it now.”
I nod and he steps through the door and shuts it behind him.
—oOo—
“Yo.”
Bobby. I’m not looking forward to this call. “Yo.” I check the time. 1700.
“We need to talk.”
“Is this about Steph?”
“Yes.”
I sit and rub my eyes. “I already heard from Tank.”
“I know. I’m giving you an update.”
“OK.”
“She’s moving to Florida and she wants to get counseling.”
Jesucristo. “OK …”
“Quite frankly, that and her apology are the only things that saved her today.”
I cringe, two tons of weight on my shoulders. This is going to be one of those talks with Bobby. “OK.”
“I’m telling you now, so you know, that Les and I are agreed. If she ever, and I do mean ever, does that shit to us in a business discussion again, she’s fired. Tank’s on the fence.” No he’s not. “We haven’t asked Hec, but she has four months to prove she’s grown the fuck up. As it is, Les and I are agreed that not renewing her contract is on the table. Steph has a problem submitting to any kind of authority and we’ve always known this. That hasn’t changed. I’m hoping counseling will help.”
Bobby’s voice is ice cold. Steph’s broken any regard Bobby had for her and she won’t earn that back for a while. Bobby hates when people make excuses and he’s always had that issue with her. Today only made it worse.
He exhales. “As her friend, it’s hard for me not to want to go back and let her have both fucking barrels because someone needs to tell her about herself. As your brother, I won’t because you love her and I won’t let her come between us.”
“Good to know, but quit bullshitting.”
I can see Bobby look at the phone. “What?”
“This isn’t about me. It’s about you. It’s about you, Les, and Tank. You launched this plan because of me, yeah, but you really did it because you got tired of seeing her get hurt. You wanted to help her, so you did. So stop making this shit about me.”
“Way to show you’re grateful, Ranger.”
“I am grateful, but I’m not letting you guys throw Steph in my face every time she screws up. ‘Well, we did this for you.’ No, you did it for yourselves.” I exhale and sit back. “Now you see why I never attempted it. I know Steph. I have a decent guess on how she’s likely to respond to most things, and I’ve already heard from Tank. I know how that discussion went down. I know you threw her past back in her face—”
“It’s not like I wanted to! But fuck, Ric, does Steph ever take responsibility for her fuckups?”
“No. She doesn’t. She gets embarrassed and defensive because—”
“She’s had a lifetime of people telling her she’s wrong,” Bobby says quietly. “Yeah, I know. We heard.”
“How?”
“ML.”
I smile. ML is on my short list of people to really like.
“Right,” I reply quietly. “She doesn’t take criticism well and she hates for people to throw her past in her face.” I sigh. “Look Bobby, you launched this plan because you wanted to help her. You cared, and I do and will always appreciate that, bro. But don’t call me in a snit telling me that you did this for me. You didn’t. You did it for her, and if you think that the payoff isn’t worth the effort, quit.
I’m not forcing you to back her. I’m not forcing you to help her. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you decided not to double down and decided to quit because Steph’s not easy. It’s not easy to back her. But you’ve hung in there, and I’ve hung in there, because you and I both know that one day, when she finally gets there, it’ll be worth it. Just like when she passed physical standards. That was beautiful to see, right?”
“Yeah, it was,” he says wistfully.
“And you got to see it live, you bastard.” He laughs. “I had to make do with DVDs. Now, as far as the company is concerned, if you feel you can no longer trust her, then yeah, start looking for a replacement for her position.”
“You’re cool with that?”
“Not like I have a vote there, do I?” I hear him snort. “Yeah, so that’s no longer my call. It’s yours.”
He’s quiet. “Telling her friends to go fuck themselves was bad enough. Telling that shit to her bosses was unacceptable.”
“I know. I supported Tank on the reprimand.”
Bobby is finally silent. Small miracle. I feel like I just went three rounds on the mats with him when he’s in a mood. “Good to know.”
“I still have the ability to compartmentalize when it comes to the company, Bobby.”
“Yeah, well, Les and I have been thinking about this. Have you two discussed how she’s going to accept your authority when you rejoin the company? Have you thought about how you plan to balance that and your personal lives?”
I exhale. “Some.” There’s a nightmare discussion.
“She’ll be the only significant other of a partner in this company and, so far, although we appreciate how she’s fixed it and made it stronger, we’re not opposed to hiring someone else to do the job. Honestly, I prefer to keep the lines clear. If Steph can’t accept our authority and if she can’t accept not knowing everything, she can’t stay in this company. Everyone’s replaceable, Ranger, including her.”
And me, as you guys made so clear this morning. “HUA.”
“Start talking, Ranger. You and she have a lot to discuss.” Click.
I lean back in my chair and sigh. I knew that discussion was coming.
I can’t argue that. This is a legacy of being soldiers, of being Rangers. When your decisions can mean the difference between life and death, you learn not to make excuses. I never made excuses as a commander. If a man was injured or shot under my command, I took that personally. Teigs’ death is still my fault. My job was to ensure that we managed the objective while keeping everyone alive, and I failed. Teigs paid the price. I’ve never forgotten.
Bobby’s both a healer and a warrior. For him, the responsibility and duty is doubled, but he’s a healer at heart. Les is a tactical commander. When he miscalculates, people die, and he never forgets that. This thing with Steph will eat at them for a while because they both hate being angry with anyone. Anger clouds judgment and both of them prefer having their minds clear.
Tank believes in building men, working with them until they’re responsible soldiers. Tank would see Steph as a challenge. He won’t give up but he also expects respect first. He gives respect and he expects to get it back. Being disrespected, even by Steph, broke his regard for her.
Sigh. I slump, resting my arms on my thighs, my head dropping forward. This is my life. One firefight stops, another starts.
Steph’s lived too long outside anyone’s influence. Vinnie didn’t give a damn. Connie wasn’t her boss. Lula was her partner, her equal. Her parents–well, her mother–ruined any influence she might have had. The Burg is a fucking nightmare, small minded, judgmental, stupid most days. Every man in her life, from her father to Joe, has either ignored her behavior or tried to change her. I’ve stayed hands off, trying to be there but not change her. She’s never had to feel the full weight of her actions and decisions.
Steph can’t accept responsibility because she’s never had to.
Until now. Living my life is nothing but responsibility, and her coping skills aren’t great. That’s what the guys don’t see. Her coping skills are shit because she lives in her ‘little bubble’ to keep from going mad and they’re taking her bubble away from her.
They’re taking her bubble away and she’s holding on as hard as she can. Sigh. Mrs. CJ was right. I have to be her anchor. She needs to know she doesn’t need the bubble anymore.
—oOo—
I call Steph three hours later. I’ve been putting off this call, mostly because I don’t know what to say.
She told my best friends to go fuck themselves. Anyone else and I’d fire them. Anyone else and Tank would have fired them. Bobby would’ve broken them on the mats. Les would’ve started the mind games.
Steph? I’ve had some time to think about my conversations with both Tank and Bobby. I get that Steph was angry but telling the guys to go fuck themselves was going too far. I’m pissed at everyone in that meeting and wondering if we’ll be able to move past this. Tank and Bobby are indicating that they’ll try, but they’ll never forget it.
“Yo.”
“Hey.” She sounds nervous. “Well? How’s the case?”
“Can’t discuss.”
“Oh.” I can imagine her biting her lip. “We found a bridesmaid’s dress today.”
“Really? Tell me about it.”
She tells me about the road trip with her friends and I smile. I’m glad she had a good day out with them.
“Sounds like you had fun.”
“I did.” She exhales. “I screwed up, Ranger.”
I lie back against the pillows. “What did you do?”
“Did you talk to the guys?”
“Yes.”
“What did they tell you?”
“Babe.”
“Ranger.”
“I know what they said. I assume you’ll tell me something different.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary. You obviously believe them.”
I’m not Morelli, Babe. We aren’t going to play those games.
“I don’t play those games, Stephanie.” I hear her wince. “I’m not running back and forth from one person to another trying to make a judgment on who’s right or wrong. I know what Tank told me. I’m here if you want to talk about it. I’m here if you want to tell me what you think. But I’m not telling you what they said just like I wouldn’t tell them what you said.”
She’s quiet for a few minutes. I start warming water for green tea.
“I told them I didn’t appreciate them manipulating me,” she whispers. “They played with my feelings to get me to take this job then blew up at me when I wanted them to apologize.”
I really have nothing to say here. I’m part of the psyop, too. I wonder if she realizes that.
“Ranger?”
“Yes?”
“Well?”
“I know a little bit more happened, Steph.”
“I thought you weren’t making judgments.”
“I’m also not interested in half stories.”
She takes a deep breath and starts from the beginning. I can tell when she’s glossing over parts and trying to emphasize others, but her account is pretty close to Tank’s. She’s just trying to make that confrontation seem less bad than it was, but I know Steph and I know Tank. I know when each is lying.
Tank told the absolute truth.
Why does she feel the need to shade the truth to me?
“Ranger?”
“Yes?”
“Well?”
“What, Babe?”
“I know I was wrong to tell them to go fuck themselves, but I was pissed. I was really pissed, and when Bobby threw my history back in my face, I saw red.”
“And that gave you the right to tell them to go fuck themselves?”
“No,” she replies miserably.
I steep my tea and consider how to handle this. “So, are you going to tell me and ML to go fuck ourselves too?”
“What?”
“By your definition, ML and I also emotionally manipulated you into taking this job. You called ML at two a.m. to talk about it and she told you to make the changes, right?”
“How did you know?”
“I called up there, remember? I couldn’t get through. You mentioned ML, so I know that’s who you spoke to.”
“Oh.”
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Are ML and I on your shit list? And Hector? And Ella? And RM Trenton, especially Hal?”
“Stop!”
“Stop what?”
“Stop doing that! Stop making it everyone’s fault! It wasn’t. It was Les’s fault!”
“Just Les? Why’s he so special?”
“Because I know he came up with this plan.”
“A plan to do what, Steph?”
She’s quiet. Come on, Babe. Think this shit through logically, like you should have before you cussed the guys out.
“A plan to get me to take this job.”
I nod, even though I know she can’t see me. “Yeah. He’s such an asshole.”
“Ranger!”
“What? I’m agreeing with you. Les owes you an apology. He should’ve come up with a different way to offer you a job.”
She’s quiet. “You’re making it really hard to be angry.”
Good. Your anger is completely unjustified.
“Then why did you tell Tank and Bobby to go fuck themselves?”
“Stop!”
“Babe, I want to earn my ‘fuck you’. So?”
“So what?”
“I’m waiting for you to tell me to go fuck myself.”
“You’re getting close,” she mutters.
“And make sure when you tell me you tell ML too. I’ll ask Hal to tell me when you’ve cursed him.” I hear the intake of breath. “What? Why should the guys be the only people to be insulted? Share the blame equally, Steph. Cuss out everyone who has manipulated you. I’m ready.”
“You can go fuck yourself, Ranger,” she says tightly.
“And you need to get a fucking grip, Steph.”
There’s a sharp intake of breath. There’s silence then “Thank you, Bobby.”
I know she didn’t mean that to be funny, but I smile anyway. “So when are you going to damage your friendship with ML?”
She’s quiet. “I apologized to the guys.”
“Good to know.”
“I’m sorry, Ranger.”
“Apology accepted. Now, what was that really about?”
“That’s what this call is about?”
“Nope. A, I wanted to know what happened today and B, if you really did curse the guys for manipulating you, I wanted to make sure I shared in that. I shouldn’t get off the hook just because I wasn’t there. If you felt I manipulated you, you needed to have that moment to say what you needed to say to me.”
I get another extended silence. I’m sure she’s not quite sure how to respond to that.
“I’m not you, Ranger. I’ve lived your life for eight months. I can’t handle this.”
I freeze in place. “Explain.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “I can’t live in isolation. I can’t live without my family and friends and some interaction with non-RangeMan people. And I can’t live in RangeMan 24-7.”
“OK.” I’m still waiting for the shoe to drop. “What does that mean?”
“Well, if I stay in Trenton, I’m getting away more often. When I was at Point Pleasant with Ella this summer, I put ‘offline’ weeks and weekends on my schedule and I never used them. I plan to do that.”
I relax. She’s realized what I finally did. “OK.”
“At some point, we would have to move out of RangeMan. I told Lula tonight that she and Tank need to figure out what to do about a house.”
“Why?”
“Because right now, she and Tank split their time between the off-site apartment and the RangeMan apartment. I told her that when she has to live there 24-7, she’ll lose her mind. She and Tank better start looking for a house or condo now.”
Tank will thank Steph for that piece of advice to Lula. I can’t wait to tell him to start his house search again.
“So you want to look for a house in Trenton?”
“Well . . .” I know she’s biting on her lip. “Let’s not discuss Trenton right now. Besides, doesn’t Trenton belong to Les?”
“Technically.”
“Yeah. Anyway, I told Tank I’m moving to Miami.”
I’m nervous about that. I’m not sure I really want the fact that she’s running around Miami to get out when I’m not in the country.
“Why?” I glance at the clock. Nearly 2300. I wash the few dishes I have and pull off my boots. “Steph?”
“Yeah.” She exhales. “Bobby thinks we might need a couples counselor.”
Oh he does, does he? He didn’t mention that. I grunt. “What do you think?”
“I think we need to talk. We’ve tried to not talk. That’s not working.”
Sigh. I wonder what she’s going to want to talk about. Separate apartments? “OK. I’m coming back Friday.”
“I’m leaving Friday.”
“So, next Friday in Trenton?”
“Next Friday?”
“Debriefs.”
“OK.” She’s quiet. “I asked Bobby to find me a therapist,” she whispers.
“Why?”
“I need to work on me.”
I sense that this isn’t something she’s ready to tell me about yet. “So you want to do it in Miami so the Burg doesn’t hear?”
“How did you know?”
“Babe.” Seriously? We had to pull you into RangeMan to force you to get training. Counseling? That was only going to happen if you went out of state.
I strip and slide in the bed. “I’m sure Bobby will find you the right person.” I wonder who he called. I run through my mental Rolodex of therapists Bobby knows and put odds on Miriam. She’s the best. I hope that’s who he called. I’m sure that’s who he called.
“I hope so.”
“Anything else you want to tell me, Babe?”
“No.” I set my alarm for 0500. “I love you, Ranger.”
“Te amo, Babe. Tomorrow.”
“Night.”
—oOo—
Steph‘s POV
I look at my phone. There was one point in that call when I really wanted to hurt Ranger, but when he said I needed to curse everyone who manipulated me, I stopped and thought.
I realized I could spend weeks doing that.
It wasn’t just BLT. It was Ranger, ML, BLT, Hector, Hal, and all of RangeMan Trenton, just as Ranger said. My mother modified her meals and asked me about my training at every dinner. My father told me to act like a security chief and start carrying my gun. Grandma told me to pull my head out of the sand. Everyone was involved in this plan and I’ll bet most of them didn’t even know.
Everyone told me to ‘get a grip’ in their own way, and I really don’t see myself cursing at my Grandma.
Thanks, Ranger.
—oOo—
I call Diego and Mark to my room the next morning.
“Yo!”
They both walk in with breakfast plates courtesy of the hotel. Mark hands me one and I thank him. They hand over their draft portions of the review and I flip through really quick. Both are comprehensive. We sit and talk a bit about the gossip they heard over the weekend.
“This place runs like clockwork,” Diego says, grabbing another piece of bacon. “I can’t say it enough: the men are well trained. They believe in the RangeMan ideal. Skills and abilities. They’re quick to remind everyone that that’s what it’s about.”
“I agree,” Mark says. “The branch reputation is great. I closed a few deals yesterday and put a few more in the works. There’s nothing left in this branch to poke into. I think Diego and I searched through everything.”
“I thought so. Is there anything you think I’ve missed?”
Both are quiet, looking at each other. “I think this branch is going to grow faster than they’ll really be able to handle if close attention isn’t paid,” Mark says. “You could expand into North Texas in a year or two—”
“And you’d need to in order to manage the requests. We were getting requests from Amarillo and Laredo. This office is looking at growth, fast growth, and there’s going to be a need and desire to capitalize on it,” Diego adds.
“What would be the next move?” I’m looking at Mark.
“Dallas,” he replies. “Houston is just a step, but not a bad one if they decide to go back toward New Orleans or Memphis. So either Dallas or Houston.” I glance at Diego. He nods in agreement.
“OK. So you guys would say they passed?”
They look at each other briefly. “They passed,” Mark says.
—oOo—
I start on the official report. It’s easy because there’s not much to critique here. I finally quit around lunch and climb back in the bed. It’s cold without Ranger.
I’m texting with Lula when I hear the door open. I asked for a day to myself but I should have known better.
“Get up.” I look over. Hec is scowling.
“What?”
“Let’s go shopping.”
“I don’t want to go shopping.” I bury myself back under the covers, only to have them cruelly yanked away.
“We either go shopping or I play tickle monster with you until you start talking.”
I consider this. “I never should have told you,” I grumble, sliding out of the bed.
“Info to the enemy, Angelita.”
“I’m shopped out.”
“I need a tie.”
“You have plenty of ties.”
“Not from Texas, I don’t.”
I take a quick shower and dress. I’m tossing things into my purse as Hec waits impatiently by the door. He shoos me from the room and into the parking lot.
“You know, other people collect coffee mugs.”
“I don’t need key chains, shot glasses, coffee mugs or magnets. Ties would get some use.”
“Where are we headed?” I ask, as we climb in the SUV.
“Penner’s,” he replies. “It’s supposed to be the place to get guayaberas in San Antonio. Maybe all of Texas.”
“Get what?”
“Guayaberas.” He grins. “Bit of Spanish history here. The shirt’s history is disputed. Cubans say it comes from their island. The historical record favors Mexico. Ranger and Les believe their version. I called bullshit on it.” He glances at me. “So I’m on the hunt for a good one.”
He pulls up to the store and we get out. The moment I spot the shirt, I know. I called them ‘safari shirts’. I didn’t know they had a real name. “I saw these all over Miami.”
Hec snorts. “I know. It’s official city attire in Miami and official formal attire in most of the Caribbean because it’s so hot.”
I’m looking through the rack. No two in this store look alike. “So what’s so important about this shirt?”
Wrong place to ask. Hector quickly disappears as the salesman, who overheard my question, explains. Apparently, it’s traditionally a wedding shirt, a formal occasion shirt, a hot weather shirt, pretty much an all-occasion shirt depending on how you dress it up. Hector’s found a few and is trying them on, critiquing fit.
“You look . . . Like you need to wear that with cargos.”
“Guess what we’re shopping for next.”
I groan and walk off, looking around. Watching Hec, I get the feeling that a good guayabera needs to be fitted. I keep looking and find a few for children. I bow to the inevitable and bring a few in Manny’s size over. Hector grins.
“Perfect! With his cargo pants, he might have ten pockets on him!”
“Nikki’s really going to thank you for that. Not.”
He laughs. “Get them one size bigger.” I frown. “For next summer. So he doesn’t outgrow them too fast.” I go back and pull the new size and bring them over for Hec to inspect. He nods to the salesman to take them after checking size tags and design. He picks out five for himself and we leave with his goodies.
“I can’t believe you paid $125 for one shirt.”
He glances over at me. “FMPs?”
I shut my mouth.
—oOo—
“You ready to talk now?”
We’re at the mall, a different mall. Hector waited patiently as I tried on one pair of FMPs after another, so now we’re in Lord & Taylor so he can find the ‘souvenir’ tie.
I sigh. “Now you want to confront me?”
Hec shrugs. “As good a time as any.”
“Are you mad at me too?”
“Why would I be?” Hector has been staring at the same tie for ten minutes.
“You haven’t said much.”
“I’m not mad. Disappointed.”
I feel the same pang of hurt all over again. “Why?”
“Because I thought our partnership was strong enough that if you needed me, you’d come to me.”
“Well, if you knew I needed you, why didn’t you come to me?”
He stares. “You had Ranger all week. I expected that you would share your frustrations and unhappiness with him, Angelita. He’s your partner, the man you love, right?” I nod. “So I expected you to talk to him. Especially since he’s there to hold you and you can look at him. Fight and have make up sex, like normal people.”
My face heats up. “Oh.” I point to a pink paisley tie. Anything to change the subject. Hector’s entire face scrunches and I smile. “Purple?”
“Acceptable. Well?”
“Well?”
Hector gives me a knowing look. I sigh.
“Why didn’t you say anything if you thought I was so horrible?”
Hector doesn’t immediately respond. Finally, he says, “I’m your partner but I’m also Ranger’s brother. The hardest thing for me to do is to stay back and let you two handle your relationship. It would be easy for me to stick my nose in, but then you’d have another person in your relationship, always butting in. You didn’t appreciate Mrs. Morelli doing it. You don’t want me or Tank to do it. So where’s the line?”
There are times when Hector’s ability to get right to the point both hurts and helps. In this instance, he’s right.
“Thanks.”
He nods. “Expect to have to remind me to stay out of it though.”
“Why?”
He stares at me. “I was tempted, quite a few times, to tell you to get a grip this weekend.”
I hear both Bobby and Ranger in my head when he says that and I wince. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Hec picks up the purple paisley tie and examines it. I’m trying to be patient.
I suck at it.
“Why me? Why not him?”
Hec stares at me. “Because whenever I saw you two together, it looked like he was trying. He was holding your hand, feeding you,”—I blush—”making it clear you and he were together. Everyone noticed.” I can see Mrs. Carol Jean’s face asking Are you Ric‘s sweetheart? “Yeah. He wasn’t subtle about what you mean to him at all. So I saw him making effort. If I hadn’t, I would’ve kicked him. You?”
He shakes his head and doesn’t say anything else. I feel my face burning.
“Why does Ranger put up with me?” I blurt out.
“Because he loves you,” Hec replies, as if it’s just that simple.
“But why? I don’t give him anything except headaches and frustration. I cost him money. I—”
“Hector Manuel is not my son biologically. My claim to him comes from Nikki’s will—”
“Her will?”
He nods. “Her will and a bunch of legal documents she’s signed, like a Power of Attorney. I’m dependent on whatever access Nikki is willing to allow me.”
“Oh.” I find that incredibly sad. “So . . . you could be trumped by her husband, if she ever marries?”
He scowls. “Yes.”
I find that almost as frightening as I’m sure Hec does.
“Right. I’m dependent on Nikki’s permission to stay in Manny’s life. He cannot thank me for anything I’ve ever done to keep him safe and sound and he mostly costs me money and gives me gray hair.” I laugh. “And I love him. He’s my son and I’d do anything for him. He gives me joy and happiness. His smile is my payment. His sticky kisses and his hugs are my payment. Hearing him read me a story and listening to how he learned something new at school makes me smile.”
He replaces the tie, takes my hand and we walk out of the store.
“Life is not an account book, with what you cost on one side and how you pay it back on another. Life is an experience. You give Ranger joy, something he lacks in his life. You remind him to never give up and your attitude is wonderful. You share your thoughts and emotions fully”—he glances at me—”normally.
You also frustrate the hell out of him because you didn’t care about your safety. He gives you support and encouragement, right?” I nod. “He trusts you and he’s honest with you. He doesn’t tell you what to do or how to live your life. He frustrates you because he won’t talk, right?”
“He’s getting better.” Now I’m starting to wish he’d shut up.
“So you’ve both improved in the number one way you irritate each other.” I smile. “You’ll find something new to drive each other crazy over.”
We’re walking toward Nordstrom leisurely. We stop to peer in other stores, but I’m not in a hurry.
“Manolo?”
Hector actually blushes! My jaw drops. “Well well well, what happened there?” I tease.
“Nothing.”
“Hec . . .”
“Nothing,” he says a little more forcefully. “He’s a recruit. Nothing to discuss.”
“In Miami?”
“None of your business.” Hec’s purposefully not looking at me.
“But you like him?” I poke Hec when the silence lasts too long. “Well?”
“He’s . . .” Hec’s still blushing.
“Right.” I’m grinning. Hec has a crush! “I’m going to check him out.”
“Not you too,” Hec moans. I try to raise a brow. He grins and shakes his head. Damn! What’s the trick?
“Well?”
“Everyone’s keeping an eye on him. Bobby, Les, Tank, Ranger– my brothers will run him away.”
“No, they won’t.” He raises a brow. “They haven’t run me or Lula away.”
“Good point.”
“He’s hot.”
“He’s mine,” Hec growls as I laugh uncontrollably.
“You want to tattoo that on his ass?”
“Got your tattoo yet?”
“Ouch.”
“You earned it.”
I grin and hum ‘In the Navy’.
“I know the words. Learned Guantanmera yet?”
—oOo—
Hec immediately picks up three ties in Nordstrom. I’m trying to remember when I’ve seen Ranger wear a tie.
“I have some news to share, but I don’t know how you’ll take it.”
I’m stung. “Have I been that bad on this trip?”
He opens his mouth and shuts it with a snap. A few moments pass before he speaks. “This review didn’t go as you expected, did it?” I blink and shake my head slowly. “You expected the men to be more like the men in Atlanta, Boston, and NYC.” I nod again. “You expected more excitement about this review?”
I nod, biting my lip. As usual, my partner knows exactly what’s wrong. He sighs.
“You will not be loved everywhere, Angelita—”
“That’s not what I wanted, Hector—”
“Yes, it is,” he says, cutting me off. “You expected to be appreciated for the hard work you’ve put in everywhere else and you expected everyone to be excited by your presence. Nervous about what you might find. Anxious to impress you, to wine and dine and party with you. Right?”
I don’t think I like where Hec’s going to take this, but he’s right so far. “Right …”
He sighs. “I realized when we got here that all the excitement around your visits has been bad for both you and the company. You realize that the men are never going to respond to Ranger they way they have you?”
“I know that.”
“And do you see why this is a problem?”
“Yeah. Ranger needs to be accessible to the men. The men need to feel they can talk to him. They—”
Hec shakes his head. “No. There needs to be a reserve between Ranger and the men. There needs to be a level of respect and deference paid to the Leadership Core. The men need to talk to their XOs and the XOs need to have a close relationship with the Leadership Core. The Core teams need to have that relationship with the Leadership Core. Instead, you’ve encouraged them to bring you all their problems and talk to you. Ranger will never be that man for them. He will never be that leader.”
Hector finally decides on a burgundy paisley tie and a purple plaid tie. We walk to men’s shirts, where Hec waves the salesman away and starts looking.
“Even I idolized my brother,” he says quietly. “I know he’s not perfect. I know he gets things wrong. But Ranger is an ideal for every man in this company. He’s the former soldier, the former gang member, the former juvie. He’s made their mistakes and still come out on top. Ranger is the man who has built a company a man can feel comfortable confessing his sins in and not feel judged. It’s a rare feeling, Angelita.”
He starts matching his plaid tie with three purple shirts. I point to the middle one; it’s the best match. He nods and we start trying to match the paisley tie.
“Ranger is not Dr. Phil. He will not hold their hands and make them feel better. Ranger is the ideal every man in this company, including me, strives to emulate.” He turns and faces me. “I’ve modeled myself on my brother. Stopped drinking and smoking because of him—”
“You smoked?”
“You’ve never lit a cigar?” I blush. We grab the shirts we’ve matched with Hec’s ties and head to a register. “Exactly. I lived the life of a monk waiting for the right person to share my life. Devoted myself to the few things in life which are most important to me. Given myself over 110% to a constant quest for perfection, even knowing I’ll never come close. I try not to make the same mistakes over and over again. And I rely on those closest to me to share my burdens and help me, but at the end of the day I put on a face of confidence and courage to the world.”
Hec hands his credit card over to the salesman. “It’s what makes me feared. It’s what makes Ranger feared, Les, Tank, Bobby, all of us. The knowledge that at the top of the leadership are men who have devoted their lives to excellence and, even though they didn’t all start out the best, you can make it is what inspires every man. That’s why they’re so loyal to Ranger and the Leadership Core. Isn’t that what each man in this company strives for? When you talk to them, isn’t that what they say?”
I’m staring at Hec. “Yes …” Overwhelmingly. They worship Ranger and the guys. I never put Hec in that category. To hear him say he idolized Ranger is … surprising.
“That’s the ideal, right?”
“No.”
“No?”
“No.” I’m emphatic. “They should not idolize the guys. The guys are human. They make mistakes. They’re not perfect.”
Hector smiles a small smile. “I just admitted all that, Angelita. Remember?” I think quickly and my shoulders droop. “They don’t idolize Ranger, Tank, Bobby and Les, per se. They idolize the ideal, the brotherhood between them.
They idolize the fact that these men were the best of the best in the field then started a major company, but didn’t turn their back on their beginnings. That’s what the men admire. This company could have easily become a post-military outfit, but the Leadership believed in giving ex-cons and ex-bangers a chance too, then demanded that each man treat every other man as his brother.”
“Right . . .” Those groups are the most loyal to the guys.
“That’s what I admired. They gave me a chance, even after I blatantly admitted to hacking their entire system.” My jaw drops and Hec grins. “Yeah. Most men would have immediately tried to kill me. Ranger hired me 24 hours later. I started training with all of them and admired who they were, the men they were. I knew Ranger’s and Les’s backgrounds. I’d searched for Tank’s and Bobby’s. I knew what they’d overcome and how far they’d come and I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be like Ranger.”
“Wow . . .”
“Yeah. So, like I said, I know Ranger’s not perfect, but his public face, the one he shows the world, is one of extreme efficiency. Ranger’s reputation is that of a man who gets things done. So, have you been Ranger? Have you encouraged the men to see you as Ranger?” Hector accepts the bag and we walk to the exit before realizing it’s the wrong one and heading back toward the children’s area.
God no. Not by a long shot. “I’m not Ranger, Hec. I’m me.”
He smiles. “Exactly. You’re you. Ranger is Ranger. You cannot expect him to be you, to sit with the men and encourage them to open up to you. Ranger has never discouraged the men from doing that, but he has never encouraged it because he understood that every man in this company needed an ideal to strive to. They need to see that it can be done. When they do it, they show other men around them that it can be done. That’s why I asked him for help in the first place. I saw a man who was proof that you could get out of a gang and still have a life.”
I’m silent, thinking about this. Hec has some good points, but the guys are still too remote from the men.
He sighs. “It’s a hard life, Angelita. It means that when he makes mistakes, he has no one to share his troubles with besides his brothers. But they’re doing the same thing and they all think too alike.” He takes my hand and swings it. I laugh. “Except you. This is where you balance him out. This is where you help him.”
“I’m his soft side?” I grin and Hector laughs.
“And he’s the side of you that does the things that must be done. The things you’d never have the strength to do.” I frown. “Abruzzi? Stiva?” Hec lifts a brow.
“Ah.” Yeah, I’m not sure what’s in Ranger’s gray area, but ‘removal of enemies’ is one he admitted to. I don’t want to know how he ‘removes’ them. It’s enough to know he does.
“Right.”
“So by talking to me, you’re saying that’s like talking to Ranger for the men?” He nods. “My job is to be Ranger’s softer side, to be his ‘talky’ face to the men?”
“Right. That’s why Les, Tank and Bobby want to keep you in that position. They’ve realized that you fulfill an important function for them. You are their soft side. You’re the easy one to talk to, but you also bring the men and the Leadership together. That’s important. You bridge the gap they didn’t realize was there until you started.”
I get it. I see it and it solves a dilemma for me. I couldn’t think of a single way to encourage Ranger to let the men see him as more human and now I see why. Listening to Hec, I see it won’t happen, but maybe it shouldn’t. I don’t know.
Every man in the company admires some member of the leadership and strives to model himself on one of them. Given the ‘diverse’ backgrounds of the men in this company, including my partner, the men need that. But I still think the guys needs to be closer to the men.
I need to think on this more.
“Hec?”
“Hmm …?”
“You’re the best.”
“Again, Angelita, with feeling.”
I laugh and poke him.
We stop at the perfume counters and I pick up Hec’s bottle of Issey Miyake. I also spot, for the first time, a bottle of the Hermes d’Orange Verte Ranger mentioned. I ask for a tester and sniff. It doesn’t smell the same.
“Yeah,” the salesman sighs. “They changed the formulation on that one. Your man has an older bottle?” I nod. “It’s considered the better version because it lasted longer and it was meant to be worn alone. Sniff again.” I do and I can smell some of Ranger’s bottle in this. “This bottle is meant for layering. It’s for the man who wants to top off the other scents he’s put on. You know, bath gel, lotion, cologne. The old version was in your face. This new version is softer, subtle. The new version assumes you have other scents already on you.”
Bvlgari, perhaps. I spray the cologne on my arm. Yeah, I could definitely smell the old version on top of the Bvlgari, but this version would almost blend.
I nod and pay for Hector’s bottle. He squeezes my hand in thanks and we leave.
“Still thinking about being the ‘talky’ face?”
“Yeah.” I’m not sure about that.
“You’ve done a great job bridging the guys and the XOs,” Hec says. We head toward the children’s area. “It shows best in NYC.” I stare at Hec. “The men love having Les pop in and he likes being there. The energy, the office, the men, it’s very him. I can see Les leaving Texas and setting up in NYC permanently very soon. Bobby is always on the phone with Danny and now Mando. You know Charlotte will fall under him, right?” I nod. “So he’s trying to develop a stronger relationship with Mando.”
“Plus, Chase is there right now,” I add.
“True. So he’s really paying attention to the Charlotte office and what’s happening there. Tank is watching Trenton, of course, and Miami.”
I grin. “Hal.”
“Right.”
Everyone has an LC member behind them, watching carefully. Good. I stop. “Boston?”
Hec sighs. “Tank is trying, but Tank isn’t Ranger.” He looks at me. “What are you up to there?”
“I’m not telling.”
Hec scowls. We stop in the children’s area when Hec spots a cute short and top set with soccer balls on it. He starts looking around and finds some shoes for Manny and purchases the outfit while I try to understand what Hec meant.
I finally get it. I’m Ranger and the men would never treat Ranger the way they’ve treated me. But, at the same time, I’m not Ranger.
“I’ve been treated like a plaything this entire time.”
He sighs. “Not a plaything, exactly. The men truly appreciated your visits. They knew that you could improve them, help them grow faster and stronger. In that, they treated you like Ranger, but you began to expect them to . . . party with you?” I nod. “Plan special things. Impress you, but not with anything that had anything to do with business. That was the problem.”
I can feel my face redden. Right. I haven’t expected them to treat me like Ranger. I expected them to treat me better than Ranger. I mean, I can’t see Ranger sending the XOs a list of his favorite things to do and expecting them to plan stuff for him to do. Ranger wouldn’t do that. He would come in to handle business. He can entertain himself.
That’s what I expected here and when it became clear they didn’t plan anything, I was hurt. The men here are nice to me, but nothing special was planned. It hurt more because Lula was me here. She was in on all the jokes and gossip. She knew everyone’s names and personal details. I finally understand why she’s not that close to the Trenton guys. The SA guys aren’t shutting me out, exactly, but I’ll never mean more to them than Lula does.
First time ever. And it hurt.
I mentally groan, seeing Hector’s point. That’s why I couldn’t get close to the San Antonio men. If I’m Ranger’s ‘talky’ face, Lula is Tank’s and San Antonio is Tank’s base. The men here will always love Lula more than me. Miami is Ranger’s base and the men there?
Cringe. I guess moving to Miami will be good in more ways than one. The men and I will have a chance to get to know each other in a different way. This time I’m not coming in to judge them.
That’s a new, and interesting, dilemma. What if Bobby and Les meet someone who decides to live on-site with them in Atlanta and NYC? Those women would be more important to the men in those offices than I would. I was unhappy with my best friend for taking my place with the men. How would I treat two more women, women I’ve never met, for taking my place with the NYC and Atlanta men?
Oh god, I owe Lula so many apologies.
I just expected more on this trip and, after I realized that I couldn’t find a single problem in this branch, it just seemed as if there was no point in me being here.
I groan. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t see the problem for what it was until we got here.”
“Oh.” I turn to him. “So what’s this news you need to tell me?”
We finally leave Nordstrom and climb in the SUV. I haven’t turned the truck on yet, waiting on Hec to answer.
“Well?”
“I’ve been made a partner.”
“Really?!” I lunge over to hug him. Hec grins and hugs me tight. “That’s great! When did they tell you? Did you tell Hector Manuel yet? What about Nikki? What did they say? Who have you told—”
“Angelita!” Hector laughs. “Calm down! Yes, I told Hector Manuel. He wasn’t that excited. He wanted to know if I would get him a Pokemon blankie for Christmas.” I laugh. “Nikki was thrilled. Really excited but she still won’t work for RangeMan.” Hec makes a face and I shake my head. “You were the only person left I needed to tell.”
“That’s great, Hec. I’m so proud and happy for you.” I mock frown. “Great! This means I have another boss.”
He smirks. “Sucks to be you.”
We both laugh and I pull out of the parking lot. “OK, so we have to party and celebrate your promotion tonight. I insist. Hey, why didn’t you think I’d be happy?” He shrugs and tries to act nonchalant, so I poke his side. “Well?”
“You haven’t been happy at all this trip, Angelita. Mean to Ranger, rude to Lula and you wouldn’t talk to any of your friends. We’re all surrounding you, ready to listen, and you shut down on us.”
“I apologized to Lula,” I whisper, feeling really shitty.
“And Ranger?”
I sigh. “We talked but I know it isn’t over. We have a lot to talk about and we agreed to wait until he returns to Trenton. What I will say is I was confused by him all week.”
“How?”
I glance over. “I didn’t know who I was looking at in Louisiana.”
Hec snorts. “I understand.”
“Really?”
“Turn here. Yeah, I do.” Hec smiles. “You know Ranger knows rap?”
—oOo—
I have tears flowing down my cheeks and my sides hurt from laughing. Hector is telling me every weird thing he witnessed when it was just him and the guys, and I’m cracking up. He has pictures and video. The video of Ranger … I’m not sure what he’s doing. It’s like he’s dancing in the middle of a crowded club and pretending I’m there with him. It’s hilarious. Bobby’s plastered to a wall, humping it, and you can hear Antoine and Tank laughing. Hec’s muttering, ‘This is wrong . . . this is sooo wrong,” in the video. Les is on the floor with tears streaming down his face.
“There’s nothing scarier than watching Ranger and Bobby dancing to a song called ‘I’m in Luv with a Stripper’,” he says, shaking his head. “They worked with Tank’s brother on the music for the reception and Les and I just watched.” He grins. “What was scarier was when Bobby started doing something called ‘party walking’, something from his fraternity”—Hec shrugs—”and Ranger knew the moves. Go to the next movie.”
I switch to the next one. Tank, Ranger, Hec, and Les are all in a row and Bobby’s showing them the moves.
“Who’s taping?”
“Antoine. Apparently, this is popular at black weddings?” Hec shrugs. “So we had to learn the moves. I learned lots of new dances.”
“Oh my god.” I gasp, trying to catch my breath. “Ranger taught me the Cha Cha Slide.”
“I learned that one too.”
“Ranger’s bringing extra condoms. Apparently they’ll be needed.”
Hec blushes. “Tank told me the same thing.”
“I never thought condoms were needed at a wedding.”
“Well, Tank says it’s not really the wedding but the reception. After the liquor and dancing, there’s usually a baby boom nine months later.”
“Beer goggles?”
“In the worst way.”
We stare at each other and laugh. “How many black weddings have you ever been to?” he asks.
“None.”
“Well, this’ll be a first.”
“Who’s your plus one?” Hec refuses to answer. “Nevermind. I’ll ask Manolo if he’s doing anything in May.”
“You have a date.”
“And, apparently, so do you.”
—oOo—
I should’ve talked to Hec. We both start talking about the Ranger that appeared out of nowhere in Louisiana and I realize that Hec would’ve been able to … well, if not help, then at least understand.
“I mean, he ate everything the caterers put on his plate, he took orders from Tank’s mom . . . I’ve never even considered that Ranger could exist!”
I pay the check (Hec scowls) and we leave. “I know! It was scary. He and Bobby lived in the clubs in college, and Ranger dragged Les with him, so they knew all the dances. Tank wasn’t a club man in college but he’s also a frat boy.”
“What!” I’m trying to imagine Tank as a frat pledge.
Hec nods. “Different frat from Bobby, but yeah, they both went ‘pledged’?” He shrugs. “Apparently, Tank’s frat is Omega. So Tank started teaching us a few of his party walks, and he’s inviting a few of his close frat brothers to the wedding.” He hits the highway back to the hotel. “I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.” He stares at me. “Tank talked. His Louisiana accent is thick around his brother.”
I know. It’s mind blowing.
“And his half of the guest list isn’t just RangeMan people,” I point out. “I asked Lula. He has college buddies he’s inviting. I never thought of the guys as existing before the military but …” I shake my head. “Lula said she and Tank have run into a few of his old college friends. She never thought Tank knew non-RangeMan people, but some of them are married and she’s getting to know new people out here.”
“Good,” Hector says softly. “She won’t be lonely. She’s making new friends.”
“Yeah. That’s how I felt all weekend.” I finally spill to Hector about how I felt like Lula’s second all weekend, how looking at Chenae made me feel insecure, and how I was confused by ‘Ric’. Hector nods throughout the entire confession and at the end he turns off the truck outside the hotel and turns to me.
“You were surrounded by friends, close friends who love you. None of us would have judged you. If you needed to talk to me or ML or Ranger, you only had to ask. By holding it in and trying to pretend you weren’t hurt, you hurt everyone around you.”
“I know,” I whisper.
Hec sighs and unlocks the door. “Manolo told me this when we were in Miami, and I realized he was right.” Hec turns to me and takes my face in his hands. “Everyone is gonna hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
“Do you believe that?” I whisper.
“Honestly? Yes.”
“Why? That’s depressing. I don’t want to suffer for anyone.” I frown. “And that’s not love. People who love you don’t hurt you.”
Hec is solemn. “The people closest to us have the most power to hurt us. They can make us feel better but they can also make us suffer. Sometimes they do it on purpose. Sometimes they do it on accident, but no matter what, they do it. Every time Manny wants a little more freedom from me, it hurts because he’s no longer my little baby. I want to protect him and he wants to experience the world. One day he’ll be a teenager and he’ll hate me or be embarrassed to be seen with me or something.”
“I can’t imagine Manny ever hating you.”
He snorts. “How old is Mary Lou’s oldest?” I laugh. “You laugh. I’m preparing for that day. The person with the most power to hurt me?” Hector’s face shutters for a moment and I know, immediately.
“Nikki.”
“Right,” he says, quietly. “If she ever decided that being associated with me is too dangerous, I lose the only family I really have. I lose my son. I lose my cousin. Being associated with me is dangerous, but she loves me and she’s willing to brave it even though she doesn’t have to. She doesn’t have to keep me in her life.” He swallows hard and I see the sheen of tears that will never fall in his eyes. I squeeze his hand, hard.
“She’d never do it.”
“She has every right to and I can’t stop her,” he whispers. “That’s when I realized Manolo was right.”
We sit quietly. I’ve learned something new with Hec that I don’t want to consider because I’ve always know. I’ve always known that the people closest to me could hurt me because they have. But ‘some do it on purpose and some do it on accident’ . . . that’s new.
“Nikki would never hurt you on purpose, Hec,” I whisper.
He sighs. “Every time Nikki giggles over Mark, I want to vomit.” I laugh again and Hec smirks. “Every time you would rather become angry and not talk to me, it hurts me because I don’t feel like I’m a good partner to you.”
I stop laughing. “Oh Hec . . . I’m sorry. You’re a great partner, the best. I don’t want another partner.”
He smiles. “Good to know.”
I see his point now. “The cops betting on me hurt, but knowing Joe thought it was a joke too hurt.”
“Right.”
“Ranger telling me he was proud of me was great, then telling me I was a line item under entertainment really hurt.”
I’m so caught up in pondering some of Ranger’s more interesting comments (like that line about condoms and relationships) that I don’t catch how Hector stiffens.
“What?”
“Hmm?”
“Run that last one by me again.” Hector’s eyes flash when I repeat the ‘entertainment’ comment Ranger made.
“My brother is an idiot,” he mutters, opening the doors and collecting the bags.
“Tank flattened him.”
“Good. Now I don’t have to try to.” Hec mutters under his breath in Spanish too low and fast for me to catch what he’s saying. We collect all the bags and walk in. I drop my bags (I didn’t want anything. Where did all these bags come from?) and flop back on my bed.
He returns to my room with his laptop. “Explain something to me.”
“Yeah?”
“You continue to love him?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
I sigh. “Because I could tell that he meant for it to be a joke when he said it but realized it wasn’t funny.” Hector doesn’t look convinced. “If I had to balance Ranger’s worst statements—”
“He’s said shit worse than that?”
“Yeah. He has.” Hec’s face looks completely bewildered. “Like I said, if I had to balance Ranger’s crap statements against the numerous times he’s saved my life, given me what I needed, been there for me, taken care of me and told me he’s proud of me, then the support he’s always given me balances out. Besides, I’m not perfect. I kept running between him and Joe instead of being honest with them. The moment I was honest with Ranger, I actually got what I’d always wanted.”
Hec puts his blank face into place and nods.
“So, I’ve told him I need him to give me words. I need him to tell me how he really feels and quit hiding behind crap statements. He’s been trying.” I pick up my laptop and sit next to him. “I guess I need to tell you, I’m moving to Miami in the New Year.”
“Why?”
“I need counseling and therapy.” I bite my lip. “I want my relationship with Ranger to work, but I need to work on me first. I’m hoping that, while he’s gone, I can get started.”
“Good,” Hec says, patting my hand. “You’ve probably needed it for a while.”
“You think?”
He nods. “Jimmy Alpha, Benito Ramirez, Kenny Mancuso, Con Stiva, Clyde Cone—”
“I get the picture.”
He smiles. “Exactly. Who have you ever talked about that stuff to?”
I shudder. “No one.”
“Right.”
“You check with Bobby?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Because the stuff that’s happened to you could make a good book series.”
We stare at each other before laughing.
“You need a pro who’s used to hearing scary stories,” Hec says, clutching his side.
“Yeah. Bobby said the woman he’s picked out is used to hearing Special Forces soldiers. She’s unflappable, so he says.” I wipe my eyes. “I can’t wait to tell her about my life.”
“Good. I’m sure Bobby picked out the best.”
“He says so.”
“New Year?” I nod. “OK. So when were you going to tell me?”
“I just told Tank yesterday.”
“Oh.”
“You coming or staying in Trenton?”
Hec snorts. “Yeah right. Like I’d really leave my partner all by herself. Especially when she’s decided to confront her scariest enemy yet: her feelings.”
Ouch.
The people closest to us have the most power to hurt us. They can make us feel better but they can also make us suffer. Sometimes they do it on purpose. Sometimes they do it on accident but no matter what, they do it.
