Chapter 50: DEFCON III
A/N: Conversation in Italics understood to be in Spanish. Also, this chapter opens the week after Steph and Hector return from NYC.
Get comfy and grab the Kleenex. This is a long chapter.
Hector’s POV—Wednesday Morning
This situation cannot continue. I can’t take it. This has to stop. I’m getting flashbacks of living in my Mama’s house when my sisters became women. I want to run and hide.
My Angelita is losing it.
I sent Hal a memo and told him to modify it so each XO understands. I could tell he had Ram’s help in crafting it. He sent the memo this morning.
NOT FOR DISCUSSION—TO BE LIMITED TO CORE TEAM AT EACH BRANCH ONLY
Please be advised. The CO is in an uncertain mood. Engagements in Trenton have been unsuccessful. Conversation with the CO should be limited to business matters only until situation is resolved. Do NOT attempt to tease or question until CIO and/or Chief Strategist can determine issue.
Failure to comply may find you without your balls. Tread carefully, men.
Trenton Core Team
Within minutes, Les calls.
“No better?”
“Worse. Completely uncommunicative. Growling, snapping, Hal’s afraid to go near her.”
Lester curses. Hal attempted to take Angelita out on a day away from the rest of the men again. He said she never smiled.
“Not even Connie could help.”
“Mary Lou?”
“Had her kids. Couldn’t get away.”
We sit in silence on the phone. The Trenton men are all scared. We want our Angelita back. This pod person we currently have sucks. Atlanta and NYC are on standby. If the CO needs to get away, they’re prepared to host her.
Les sighs. “Call him.” Click.
I send the encrypted text (cb ASAP ywiNOTf DEFCON3). I get a txt back, (5). In five minutes, the phone rings.
“What happened?”
“We don’t know. Physically she’s fine. Emotionally . . . we don’t know.”
“Describe it.”
“Moody, growling, angry, frustrated, never smiles, never happy, no hugs. I’m scared. Hal’s scared. We aren’t sure what to do and Les is no help. Ram’s living in the Bomber file. She’s living in the range again.”
“Anyone die?”
“No.”
“She’s seen the family? Her friends? Rex is OK?”
“Yeah.”
“Ate her junk?”
“Yes, we covered everything we could think of.”
Silence.
“Ella aware?”
“Yes.”
“Then there’s nothing you can do except wait. Ella will know what to do.”
I explode. “Tell ME, bro! Tell me what you’re waiting for! This is my partner. I need to know what’s going on. It’s my job to care for her and I don’t know what to do. I feel frustrated. TELL ME!”
Silence. I don’t care. Shit, I need to know. Angelita needs me, and I’m not providing what she needs right now. I feel like a failure and I despise that feeling.
“You can’t help her. What she wants, what she needs, is me.”
Shit. “Explain.”
Silence. Ranger hates explaining anything, but he’s going to have to this time. He left me in charge of her–well, the guys placed me as her partner. He knew what that would mean to me. He has trackers on. I can find him.
“Mission has always meant overseas and incommunicado and it doesn’t this time. I’ve told her that we’ll talk about our relationship when the op is over. She’s uncertain and frustrated, and I’m not around. That’s why I told you I was the problem, inadvertently. If I were simply gone, it would be somewhat easier for her to handle, but I keep popping up. Add the company on top of that and it’s an emotional melt down.”
I’m stunned. He actually knows enough about Angelita to figure this out and expect it, but not enough to convince her to leave The Cop before now? I shake my head. Ranger is brilliant, but I guess everyone has their pendejo moments. And it begs the question: Why didn’t I figure this out?
“Clearly you aren’t coming home soon. We can’t take much more of this. What do we do?”
“Nothing. That’s why I asked if Ella is there. It’s common when soldiers are deployed overseas, and this is something Ella can help her with. Get used to it. This will creep up from time to time from now until I return. But, to make it easier, I’ll do my best not to pop up anymore. When you move to another office, text me so I can avoid you. Maybe if I steer clear completely, it will be a little easier for her to handle. Mission will go back to meaning completely unavailable.” Silence. “By the way, Les knew. He didn’t want to call it, in case he was wrong.”
Click.
I look at the phone and whimper. This is going to happen from time to time?
I start working my contacts. Ranger has to wrap this op up. He has to come home now. And I’m slicing Les next time I see him.
Steph’s POV—Wednesday Night
For the past four months, I’ve been working 12-14 hour days at RangeMan. No days off, under constant surveillance, with everyone trying to “help” and “make me better.” Worse, I’m so busy I can’t remember anything not on my calendar.
Dinner at Mom’s? Distant memory.
Viewing at Stiva’s? Where’s Stiva’s? Is it on my calendar? No? Oh well.
Location of Pino’s? Fading memory.
I’ve had enough.
This is worse than being a prisoner. I have no privacy unless I’m on 7. I can’t go anywhere without a security detail–well, Hector, but that’s the same thing. I love my partner but I need time away from him too. I haven’t had a doughnut in weeks. I have no independence anymore. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I can’t remember the last time I had a meatball sub from Pino’s. I haven’t picked up Eula or Mooner in ages. I actually miss my ‘regular’ skips. I miss the bonds office. I miss the Friday night freak show called Dinner at Mom’s. I miss sleeping in my own bed, watching Ghostbusters, and eating my weight in ice cream. I appreciate being able to buy smaller jeans, but I’ll take my old jeans in exchange for my freedom.
I don’t want to be Ranger anymore. This life is shit. It’s constant pressure, constant headaches, constantly watching the XOs and ensuring that everything is working and operating as it should. It’s 6 a.m. gym time, 7 a.m. core team calls, 7:30 range time, 9 a.m. liaison pulse checks, branch status reports, weekly accounting reports, time sheets, payroll, meetings with accountants, lawyers, calls to each XO individually and trying to help Hal since I sent his strategist to NYC. It’s living from my calendar and going to sleep with a Bluetooth in my ear.
It’s having three Bluetooths, just in case I forget to charge the other two.
This life means being the world’s worst hamster Mommy. Ella is officially in charge of feeding Rex. I can’t remember the last time I dropped a raisin in his tank. Rex could be in his tank, paws up, and I might not notice for weeks. See, this is why I don’t need kids. I can’t remember to feed the damn hamster and I’ve had him for years. I love him and he doesn’t scare me.
I’ve figured out the real reason Ranger, and every other man in this place, stays in the field: office life will drive you up the wall. Being handed monitor duty really is the worst punishment you can get. Hal’s grown to love handing it out. ‘Time out for dip sticks’, he calls it. No wonder Ranger doesn’t mind going in the wind; it’s a vacation.
I’m living in a fishbowl, a glass fishbowl.
I’m reconsidering life with Ranger.
I can’t take this.
If this is his life, I don’t want it. I can’t handle it. And I know that this is just the company part. The government contracts are entirely separate.
What kind of relationship is this? With the man I love constantly gone? What do I get in this life? At least with Joe I know he’ll be home every night, unless he’s undercover. Life with Joe isn’t looking so bad all of a sudden. At least with Joe, I’ll know where he is. He’s stateside. Ranger? Who the hell knows? Right now he’s stateside, but the rumors are supposed to be that he’s overseas. Sometimes he is overseas. Again, who the hell knows!
Joe: Ring, kids, no bounty hunting or excitement. Dinner on the table by 6p.m. and church on Sunday.
Ranger: No ring. No kids. No freedom. No acknowledgement. No long term commitment. Barely any communication. No idea if he’s here, there, alive, dead, in danger or perfectly OK. No idea what’s going on.
Once a week, I get a text with ‘Proud of you, Babe’ or some other short message, but it’s not enough. Is that all I’ll ever have with him, quick moments in private, just in case someone sees us? The alley, Ranger’s homes, hiding out on 7 or 8? Constantly hiding from the world? Will I ever be allowed to acknowledge that we have anything? A friendship, a relationship, a marriage (yikes!), something more than casual sex and work between us?
Does Ranger want me because he loves me or because I belonged to Joe? No, scratch that. I do know he loves me. He just can’t or won’t tell me in a language I understand.
No. I’m out. I’m done. I don’t want it. I’ve put forth the effort for four months and I’m beaten. I’m licked. I’m hanging up my handcuffs and going . . . AHHH! I can’t even go home! My grandmother is in my apartment!
I stand up, in the middle of Ranger’s bedroom, and scream at the top of my lungs. I can feel the tears. I’m done. I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon. I’m moving back to my mother’s.
I’m taking back my life.
7 p.m. finally hits and I head to 7. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’ve snapped at almost everyone today, so the men are tiptoeing around me. I noticed that as each man came in today, he was quietly warned that the CO was in a ‘mood’ and that he should be careful. I’m sure they’re thinking PMS but that was 2.5 weeks ago, when I screamed at Sarah. She merely looked at me, asked if I felt better, then added five more crunches to my workout.
Bitch. To think I liked her.
I walk into Ranger’s apartment and I’m surprised to see Ella standing there with a suitcase.
“Take a quick shower. We’re leaving.”
Damn right I am. Straight to Mom’s. Thanks for packing for me, Ella. Just drop me on Roosevelt. Under normal circumstances I might ask more questions, but I’m too tired right now. I take a quick shower and dress in the outfit Ella left on the bed. Keys, gun, purse, shoes and I’m out the door behind Ella. We go straight down to the garage where we meet Hector.
“¿Seguro que no quieres que te acompañe?” (Are you sure you don’t want me to come along?) Hector asks quietly.
She doesn’t reply, just stares him down until he looks at me.
“Sólo mira tus rastreadores. Toda su vida está bajo un microscopio. ¡Basta ya!.“ (Just watch your trackers. All her life is under a microscope. Enough!) Ella replies sharply.
Hector’s eyebrows rise. Ella getting sharp with anyone is new territory. Even I’m kinda surprised. He takes the suitcase from Ella, packs it into her trunk, and opens her car door. Moments later we’re off, and I’m checking to see where the security detail is when I realize that I don’t see one. No security? Where on earth are we going? This isn’t the way to Mom’s.
“Ella, where are we going?”
“Ella, can you drop me at my Mom’s?”
“Ella, can we stop for a meatball sub first?”
Ella’s not answering any of my questions. She just looks at me, that ‘Mom’ look, and tells me to sit back and enjoy the scenery. That if I look out the window instead of at her, I will figure out where we are going. I want to yell at Ella, but I know when I’ve reached a limit. I will never yell at Ella so I obey. I look out of the window. We’re headed . . . east? East is the shore, and the next thing I know I’m at Ranger’s house in Point Pleasant. I look at Ella in surprise.
“You’re offline.”
OK, now I’m stunned, and I’m so grateful I start to cry. In the middle of Ella’s Honda Accord, I’m leaking massive snot balls.
“Shhh. . . come on baby. . . let’s get in the house. You need some time away from the men. You need some time away to be by yourself.”
Yes! As usual, Ella anticipates everything. The house is stocked with food, and Ella sends me upstairs to bathe and change into something comfortable. I stay in Ranger’s Jacuzzi tub until I get pruney then get dressed. I wander back downstairs to find that Ella is frying chicken. There’s a massive ice cream bowl on the counter, filled with ice cream, and I can see mashed potatoes and gravy and rolls. I’ve never loved Ella more than I do right now. I wish she would adopt me. She knows how to make me feel better. I start inhaling the ice cream.
“Stephanie, you are not Ranger. Stop trying to be Ranger. Be Stephanie.”
If only it were that easy.
“How, Ella? How can I be Stephanie when it seems that all the men see Stephanie as a disaster? Everything I’ve done in the last four months is about RangeMan and RangeMan standards and RangeMan protocol. This is why I never wanted to join RangeMan. The standards are impossible!”
I’ve started crying again. I don’t mind crying in front of Ella because she’ll make me feel better. For the first time in months, I have someone to talk to who will listen and isn’t thinking about ‘bettering’ me.
“I’ll never get back into the field. When I took this position, I had the feeling it was a snow job to get me chained to a desk while the guys were gone. Now I’m sure of it. The workload is insane! I don’t care what Ranger and Tank said, no one person can do this! I barely see my friends anymore. I haven’t picked up any of my old skips in ages and even if I wanted to, there’s a new BEA who doesn’t like me and doesn’t appreciate me horning in on his territory.”
This hurts more than I can really express. My last trip to the bonds office showed exactly how long it’s been since I’ve done anything I wanted to. I was weeks behind in gossip and news. Connie spent hours trying to get me caught up and I still missed stuff that Mom covered later that night at dinner.
“I miss my family. I miss the Friday night freak show at Mom’s. I miss going to Stiva’s with Grandma. I miss smoking cigars with my Dad. Hell, I actually miss trying to tune out my mom’s nagging! That’s how I know it’s been too long since I did anything I wanted to do.”
Ella sets the chicken down in front of me. I immediately grab a leg, hot grease still dripping, and watch as she fixes me a plate. I’m almost done with the ice cream and my stomach has a tight fullness to it already, but I don’t care. I’m eating till I pop.
“The men don’t understand the concept of personal privacy. I never have a moment to myself and I’m starting to take it out on everyone around me, which isn’t fair to anyone around me.”
Ella starts cleaning up the kitchen while I enjoy my delicious meal. Everything I could want and it’s drowned in gravy. Delicious tasty gravy.
“Where would you like me to start, Stephanie? Well, let’s start with the men. The men see Stephanie as someone who is not disciplined and you must admit, in comparison to them, you are undisciplined.”
I stop mid-chew. Is this support or not?
“The standards are not impossible to them because they are all accustomed to them, but they are brand new to you and you are making a massive shift in thinking in order to meet them. I see the changes in you, the men see the changes in you, but you don’t see them because what you haven’t recognized is that the moment you start to reach one level, they immediately raise the bar on you. Do you know what the female military standards are?”
That on my list of things to check up on when I first took over as CO but never followed through, so I shake my head. OK, maybe Ella’s right about being undisciplined. That was four months ago.
“So if I tell you that you are probably within 4-6 weeks of meeting them, you would be surprised, wouldn’t you?”
Surprised? Try shocked. Stunned. Flabbergasted. I would beat my goal. My mouth is hanging open, which makes Ella smile and close it. She takes the ice cream bowl and washes it, then puts the rest of the food away while I finish my plate.
“If I tell you that the wonderfully greasy meal you’ve eaten tonight is probably going to come up on you tomorrow morning, you would be surprised, right?”
Oh god, I hope that’s not true. This is the most delicious meal I’ve had in months. I finish the chicken leg and the mashed potatoes. I have a breast left and Ella refills my plate with mashed potatoes and gravy.
“If I tell you that the men are impressed and proud of you, you wouldn’t believe me, would you?” No I wouldn’t. “Well Stephanie, all that is true. You cleared the minimums for passing the sit-up and push-up requirements weeks ago. They can’t clear you on the physical standards until you pass the two-mile run and you’ve just gotten that walking boot completely off, so you have about a month to go before you’re cleared on the physical standards. How does that make you feel?”
“Ella, why didn’t they tell me? I mean, no one tells me how I’m doing so I never feel as if I’m making any progress.”
“They didn’t want to tell you because they don’t want you to meet the minimums. They know you and they want you to surpass the minimums. To the RangeMen, the minimums are just the starting point, the least you can do. When Tank, Lester and Bobby come back to administer your clearance, they want to show that they worked with you to blow all expectations out of the water.”
Can’t we just work on getting past the finish line? No need to have me run an extra mile.
Ella shakes her head, smiling. I must have said that out loud.
“Stephanie, you are the standard by which other women in the company, if any are ever hired, will be judged, so they don’t want to start an expectation that minimums will be OK. If you get cleared on minimums but don’t keep it up, if you fail the monthly health check, then it looks like your success was a fluke. It opens you up to derision from the other branches. You know how Trenton and Atlanta feel about you. You’re an example to the NYC men, so Hal and the boys don’t want that for you. They want you to develop this mindset of excellence now. If you do it now, it’s easier to maintain.”
I see where Ella is coming from, but they still could’ve told me I was making progress. I really hope I don’t see this meal again. It’s delicious. Ella refills my water glass and smiles.
“Ella, why do you think I’ll see this meal again tomorrow?”
“Honey, you’ve been eating healthy meals for four months now. Even with the occasional slice of cake or cheat meal, or five slices of pizza in NYC,” Ella smiles. Who blabbed?! “you’ve had very little fat and sugar in your diet. And yes, I’m well aware of every sugary item you’ve eaten and every treat you’ve been slipped. I have to account for it in your diet. Otherwise, Sarah would have to give you more cardio.”
Oh, well in that case, thanks Ella.
“So your body is going to have a job trying to process that meal. If I’m right, and I might not be, your body will reject this meal as something bad for you. It happens in people who have been on a diet then try to eat the way they used to. They feel horrible. They have diarrhea, constipation, you name it. Their bodies can’t accept it.”
Now I want to cry. This delicious meal, full of fat and grease and sugar, is going to betray me? I want to cry but I still need to finish the mashed potatoes and gravy. If I’m going to see it again, I want it to be worth it.
“Well, if I see it again tomorrow, so be it. Does this mean that I might get a chance to have Pino’s more often? You know, so my body doesn’t reject it?”
Ella smiles. “Pass the standards first, then I’ll start working your favorite meals back into the rotation carefully. I don’t want your body to get sick.”
Now I’m happy. I’m almost at the point of passing RangeMan physical standards and I’ll get my food back as soon as I do. I lean back on the stool and pat my stomach. Delicious. Sigh. I hope Ella’s wrong about seeing it again tomorrow.
“Now, let’s talk about your personal life. You miss your family and friends, and I’m not surprised. Like I said, you’re not Ranger. You have to stop trying to be Ranger.” Ella picks up my dishes and places them in the sink. “Let’s look at the situation from the reverse. Ranger keeps his family at a distance to keep them safe. He tried to keep you at a distance but you attract as much mayhem as he repels.” Ella chuckles. “So the only people in the world Ranger is close to are you, Tank, Lester, Bobby, and Hector. That’s it. That’s his family.”
That’s sad. Five people. Five people make up Ranger’s entire family and four of them are extremely deadly. I also find it interesting that Ella is related to Ranger, through marriage, but she doesn’t count herself.
I finish my water and waddle behind Ella to the deck. We gaze at the stars for a while before Ella finally turns to me. “You and he will never quite see eye to eye on your need to have lots of people in your life. For Ranger, he shows his love by keeping them at a distance, so they can’t be used against him like Scrog tried to.
I think that situation, more than any other, proved to him that his actions for years were correct. Scrog may have gotten to you, he may have gotten Julie, but he couldn’t get the rest of his family. The fact that Scrog did manage to get the two most important people in his life scared him beyond words.”
Ella is quiet as looks at me, and I get the feeling she’s about to say something very important.
“After that incident, Ranger was ready to cut ties with both of you permanently. He never wanted either of you at risk because of him. The boys convinced him that was a terrible move, so he had Hector bury your trails so deep that you and Julie barely exist to the government anymore. Try searching for yourself tomorrow and see what you come up with. He did it all because he cares and he never wanted to see you hurt due to association with him.”
I sit back, stunned. Ranger nearly cut ties with me just as I acknowledged that I love him. He nearly cut ties with Julie, and she shot her kidnapper to protect her father. I know Ranger. He would have disappeared and I never would have found out why.
“Scrog got you because you kept putting yourself out there to be captured. You were Ranger’s last known weakness and it was used against him, which brings us back to the standards. Tell me Stephanie, if it were you and Ranger against the world, could you hold his back? Would you be willing to fight and die for him? Would you do whatever was necessary to make sure you both came out alive or that Ranger came out alive?”
I nod, silent tears coming down my cheeks. “Yes. Yes, I would.”
Ella pins me with a glare in the moonlight. “How? How can you? You complain about mastering every skill that would help keep you and him alive. You don’t have to like the gun range. I certainly don’t. But if RangeMan were ever attacked, I can stand at my husband’s back and protect him with my last breath. I can take down a man one on one. I can escape handcuffs and locks. I know the SOPs for emergency situations. I can drive like Tokyo Drift, if needed. As much as he might not like it, my husband knows that in a clutch situation his wife won’t abandon him for safety and she won’t leave him open to harm. He can concentrate on getting us out alive. Can you do that for Ranger? Can you do that for the man you love?”
Oh shit. No. I can’t. I’d drop the gun in fear. I’m better, accurate, but I still don’t like carrying. I carry now because of Hector and Daddy. I’d get stunned trying to stun someone. Tokyo Drift?
“It’s one thing to say you love him and could hold his back. It’s another to do it. Ranger has never wanted to change you, has never wanted to turn you into Jeanne Ellen.” Ella says Jeanne Ellen’s name as if it’s something nasty under her nose. I’m amused. “But he leads a dangerous life, Stephanie. If you want to be with him, if you love him, you will learn how to protect him. I hope I never have to shoot someone to save Luis but I know, and he knows, that I will shoot and kill to save him. That’s the true purpose of RangeMan standards, Stephanie. To protect the ones you love. To hold the back of those you care about. To ensure everyone can go home safe and sound to their loved ones.”
Ella takes a deep breath and leans back in her chair. I get the feeling that the last few minutes were as close to yelling at me as Ella was going to get, and it’s a sobering thought.
I’ve done things for Ranger to help him but protect him? I consider this. No. No, I’ve never actually protected Ranger. Not from an enemy but Ranger has for me. He’s used his skills and training numerous times in order to save my life. Could I, like Ella, protect Ranger’s back from an enemy?
No. I can’t. The skills I would need in order to stand by his side I complain about. Because of it, Ranger will never let me guard his back. If RangeMan were attacked he’d have Hector knock me out and remove me. Tank would be at Ranger’s back. Then Ranger could concentrate.
Oh my god, what about Hector? He has been shot while serving as my partner and while his shooting had nothing to do with me, I remember what Ranger said. ‘So, were you going to try to hold his back at the club? He would’ve been distracted trying to ensure he had your back instead of scanning for a threat.’ I could have gotten Hector killed trying to protect him. Hector has been working with me from the beginning because he was afraid I wouldn’t take it seriously. He didn’t want to die because of me. I spent hours in the range, becoming accurate, because I never wanted Hector to be hurt. If I had to now I could shoot to kill. But would I?
Ella is twice my age and she’s the housekeeper. And she has a greater chance of defending RangeMan than me.
Finally Ella is calm enough to proceed in a quiet soothing manner. “I brought you here this weekend because I heard your scream last night. I knew your last nerve had snapped. It was time to give you some time to yourself, to think about what you want. These are the things I want you to think about this weekend. Are you ready?”
I walk back into the house, grab a sheet of paper, and hit the deck lights on the way back out. “Ready.”
“1. What do I want from the man I love? And note, I didn’t say Ranger. I said ‘the man I love’. 2. What am I willing to do for him? 3. What compromises am I willing to make? 4. What do I need to be happy? 5. What’s non-negotiable in our relationship? Think on those things this weekend and once every month until the man you love returns.”
I fold the paper and place it in my pocket. We sit back and enjoy the breeze and the salt air for a while before Ella picks up again.
“You have a lot of work to do to pass RangeMan standards, Stephanie, but it is all your choice. If you choose to become a company woman and not get into the field anymore, you need to let Tank know. It is assumed that, with the exception of the housekeepers and maintenance men, every active employee at RangeMan can hold his own in the field. In essence, RangeMan is one massive Black Ops company. All the men may not go on missions, but all have to be able to go if the company gets a contract that requires their skills. You have realized that, right?”
I nod. That was one of the first things I noticed in Atlanta. None of the network guys looked like TV techie dweebs. These guys were fit, muscular, and clearly spent some time in the sun. And they liked to brag about their range scores.
“If you choose not to go into the field anymore, Tank will need to create a new set of standards for you.” Ella looks at me solemnly. “However, you can still expect range time, driving assessments, and weightlifting to be included, at a minimum. Still, since you are so close, I don’t see why you would give up with success in sight.”
I shift in my seat. Now that I know that I’m close to clearing the physical standards, the other stuff doesn’t seem so bad.
“Ella, do you know how close I am to clearing the other standards?”
Ella sits back and thinks. “You cleared the informal driving and the range assessments. You’re close on the weightlifting. Hector says you’ve cleared lock-picking and he’s working on your knife skills. You need more practice swimming and on hand to hand. I’ll bet you still haven’t read the SOPs, have you?”
I cringe. Nope. Fresh copy still in my office.
Ella sighs. “You will be tested on your knowledge of the SOPs, but I will give you a bit of advice Stephanie.” I look at Ella. “Memorize them before you hit the Miami office. Let’s just say the SOPs are treated as a suggestion there rather than an operating manual.”
Oh. Not good. I guess I need to start reading the SOPs now.
Ella smiles. “The things the men cannot teach you are the traits of true leaders, and you have demonstrated them in the past four months. Passion. Candor. Curiosity. Daring. Reinvention! Critical decision making, leadership development of subordinates, intelligence gathering and analysis, and a promotion of teamwork above all.” Ella grins. “You can’t teach that and you have it naturally. That’s why Trenton, Atlanta, and NYC love you already. You believe in encouraging people, not killing them on the mats.”
I frown. “Are you saying that you don’t think the mat skills are important?”
Ella shakes her head. “No, what I’m saying is that the men fear and respect the Leadership Core and they should. That’s the top management and they’ve earned that response. The men love and respect you, and they should because you’ve earned their affection. They want to please you simply because it will make you and them happy. They know you can’t take them to the mats right now, so what other reason do they have to accept you and your orders other than a fear of the Leadership Core or Hector? Unless it’s the fact that you’ve inspired loyalty all on your own.”
I can feel the tears on my cheeks. That makes me feel great. I’ve felt so much pressure to do well because I knew I couldn’t take anyone to the mats that it’s nice to hear Ella say that I inspire loyalty.
“Now, the company. I acknowledge that you are up to your eyeballs doing Ranger’s work, and as much as I would like to say that it’s a snow job, it’s not. You are working through Ranger’s actual day, his actual life. Have you ever thought about the fact that this is what Ranger deals with when he’s not on a mission?”
I sit back. I did, last night, but only because I was sick of it. This is Ranger’s life. This is what he does when he’s not overseas.
“You see how much time he has free,” Ella says quietly. “That means any time he doesn’t spend in the building, any time he spends with you, was because it was a priority for him. You are his priority. When you’ve needed him, he’s always been there, but it meant putting his company on the back burner until you were OK.” Ella pats my hands and walks back into the house.
I sit back and swallow hard. I see that now. I never really thought about it but it’s another thing being shoved in my face. When I had that breakdown, after Joe called it quits and Ranger brought me out to Point Pleasant, he was taking time away from meetings and company matters to take care of me. He didn’t hesitate. He simply scooped me up and did what was best for me. He rubbed my back while I cried, held me while I slept, and made love to me when I needed him. He took care of me and asked for nothing in return.
Instead, we returned to Trenton and I hit him with an emotional plea. Maybe that’s why he didn’t take it seriously? Because he didn’t want to be the rebound? He even told me he wasn’t a Morelli substitute and I still used him to make me feel better. He knew me, at that moment, better than I knew myself. He would have been a rebound. I was using him to feel better about myself, about the fact that Joe had dumped me, about the fact that he dumped me without letting me say a word.
Ella returns and gently covers me with a light blanket, but I can’t see her through the tears. Joe dumping me gave me the courage to confess to Ranger that I loved him, but how could he take it seriously? I’d just been dumped by another man! I was in his home crying over another man! I spent the weekend eating my weight in ice cream and walking along the beach. The only thing missing was a marathon of romantic comedies! I was emotional and vulnerable, and if he didn’t think he was the rebound before he would have known it right then. I wouldn’t have taken me seriously.
I’m sobbing on the deck and Ella is sitting next to me rubbing my back. It hurts so much more than the first time because I see that I used the one person who’s always been there for me. I used him to make me feel better and Ranger didn’t deserve that. He didn’t want to make me any promises or agree to a relationship because I was fresh out of one. I needed time to pull myself back together. Ranger is no one’s substitute, but if he’d agreed in the car that’s exactly what he would have been. Joe’s substitute. How many times have I done this? Broken up with Joe only to scoot closer to Ranger, then back away when Ranger makes it clear he’s not interested? He kept throwing me off because I wasn’t serious and he knew it.
Decision by attrition, to use Hector’s phrase. Joe took himself out of the running so I threw myself at Ranger. Ranger backed away, as usual, but instead of ‘no’ this time I got ‘maybe’. Why? Why did he give me hope this time instead of saying ‘no’ like he did every other time? Was it because I finally told him he had my heart? Was that the deciding factor? I clear my nose and think. Probably. Now that I think of it, I’m not sure if I’ve ever told Ranger I love him. I don’t think I’ve ever actually said those words. What did I tell him? That he had my heart, my commitment, but that’s not ‘I love you’. I’m pissed because Ranger’s been saying it in Spanish, but at least he’s said it. I don’t think I have. Ever.
Now I am serious and he’s not here. He knew both he and Joe would be gone for a year and if I was still serious when he came back then he wouldn’t be the rebound. He knew I needed the time to really make the decision. And for the first time, he gave me reason to hope that we could have a relationship. He gave me his criteria, what he needs from me in this relationship. I’m getting a chance to see what his life is like, what it might really be like to live with him and possibly work with or for him. He gave me hope and time to think and, when he can come see me, he has. He’s popped up when he could during this mission to see me. Joe’s not finding a way to send me messages but Ranger is.
I finally calm down and sit back in the deck chair. Ella leaves and returns with a glass of water and a cold compress for the headache. She wipes my face and I can’t look at her. I can’t bear to see all the love and support in her face. I’m ashamed of my actions. I used Ranger and I don’t know how to say ‘I’m sorry’. She sits another box of Kleenex next to me and we sit in silence for a while, listening to the ocean and watching stars twinkle.
“So, let’s talk about your day,” she says softly. “Your day is much busier than his because it’s packed with sessions to get you up to RangeMan standards, but here’s the kicker, Stephanie: They never go away. You don’t meet them once and then it’s over. The gym, the gun range, the standards, every man, and woman, is recertified every year. It’s on-going. The things on your calendar now may disappear but only because it will be expected that you will do it on your own.”
Ella yawns and blinks rapidly. “Ranger put his life on a schedule. Certain days meant certain things. So take a look at your schedule and reorganize it if you have to. Everyone else will reorganize their lives around you. They did for Ranger, they will for you. As far as the company, have you seen the reporting structure?” I nod. “Do you realize that you are the most powerful person in the entire company?”
I sit up, surprised. “No, that would be Leadership Core,” I croak.
Ella smiles and points to the glass of water. “No, that would be you, cariña. Leadership Core is now removed from the day to day responsibilities of managing the company. They’ll continue to execute the big ideas, bring up more branches, do the big things for the company, like more black ops work. Didn’t you just recommend the establishment of a Charlotte branch?” I give her a ‘thumbs up’, because I’m still drinking the water, and she grins. “Well, who’s going to run the company while they bring it up?”
I sit back. I hadn’t thought about it. I thought . . . I thought Ranger might. “Ranger? I thought Ranger might?”
Ella chuckles. “I doubt it. Ranger is a man of action. He’ll want to be on site during the establishment of a new office, looking over the men and area himself. So who is running the office?”
Me. Dammit. It would be me. I’ll never get out the office.
“Me, I guess.”
“Here’s the thing, cariña. You’ve damned yourself with excellence.” She motions for us to move back inside. The mosquitoes are out. She takes my glass to the kitchen but continues talking. “Four months in and the company is showing 5% growth. What was the target for the year?”
“6%.” I lock the door to the patio and follow her to the kitchen. She’s refilled my glass and is filling one for herself, but she points in the direction of the TV room.
“Exactly. You’ve nearly made the boys’ goal. I’m not sure how you’ve done it, but it’s all the accountants in Miami are buzzing about amongst themselves, according to Rose. It’s not unhealthy growth either. It’s sustainable, according to them. You’ve plugged holes in Atlanta, Trenton’s bottom line is very healthy and Boston is performing as usual. 60% of this company is making money hand over fist and the accountants can’t wait to see what happens in NYC and Miami.
The contracts NYC has pulled in have made the accountants’ eyes bug out! If you get whatever their issues are straightened out, this company could see double digit growth. Can you imagine that? You! The woman in charge would grow the male-dominated company even faster than the men did, and all you did was fix the problems!”
Ella is laughing and I’m stunned by this. We nearly made the numbers. Everything from here is extra. I stretch out on the sofa next to the big picture window and think about that for a while. So far, I’m doing what the guys wanted me to do. I’m growing the company. I’m helping where and when I can.
“I’m sure Ranger will be very proud of you for growing his company so well. It shows everyone that the boys were right to have faith in you, contrary to what all the stuffed up men have to say.” Ella grins.
That makes me smile. Ranger’s weekly text message looks a lot better if I think of it like that. It’s not a half-assed attempt at communication from an untraceable number. It’s his weekly reminder that he’s proud of me and has faith in me. From an untraceable number. In a message designed to self-destruct one hour after I read it.
“You are the power in the company. Every man and every woman reports directly to you. You are the only stop between the men and Leadership Core. The XOs need your permission to do things. You have the power to hire and fire. You can recommend actions to the Leadership and they respond. Do you know how long Javier fought to get an increase in pay in NYC? He asked you and he got it! You, Stephanie! You are the power at RangeMan. You have the ability to destroy the company and elevate, all in one tiny little woman.”
I’m starting to see her point. I’m not doing big big things. I’m just fixing the small things I see and it’s making a big impact. Ella smiles but then her smile fades.
“However, this is the moment where you decide what kind of life you want to lead. Sometimes, the hardest part about moving forward is recognizing that you have to leave where you’re at. All your friends are at one stage of their lives and you are moving into another stage. If you choose to remain at RangeMan, your friendships may not stay the same. After all, your purpose for stopping by the bonds office every day used to be to pick up your work. You could hang out there all day and talk to the girls and get more information on your ‘skips’. That’s not your life anymore.”
Ella is lighting candles and pulling out light cotton blankets for us to curl up with. “When your friend, Mary Lou, became a mother, your relationship changed, did it not?” I nod. “She could no longer go and hang out with you at a moment’s notice. Family dinners became important, I assume.”
Yeah, they did. I always felt as if I was intruding on something special and intimate, so I stopped dropping by.
“Her life changed and so did your friendship, but your friendship didn’t end. It changed right along with the two of you. So this time it’s you doing the changing and her adapting to your changes. You two have been friends for years. You’ll work it out. Do you think that’s what will happen with you and the girls at the bonds office?”
I sit back and consider it. Connie and I talk once a week, a lot less than we used to, but we talk a lot more during those calls. We talk about everything and it’s nice. Lula has finally stopped being mad at me. She’s out in Texas with Tank right now and she called me in the middle of the NYC trip to tell me Tank proposed. I’m happy for her but I haven’t heard from her since then. I’m hoping the tug of war we were having over her access to the building is finally over.
The RangeMen didn’t really want to allow her into the building without Tank being there. Her only other purpose, in their opinion, would be to come see me and it violated SOPs. No visitors in the secure areas of the building, which includes the 7th floor. As long as we’re not on the 7th floor they’ll figure something out, but she wanted to see where I live and I agree with Ranger. The 7th floor apartment is ours. It’s my sanctuary against everyone.
He had a point. I’ve been to her home twice but everyone wants to be in my business. It reminds me of what Hector said in NYC. The entire city of Trenton is betting on my love life. I’m a source of open commentary and jokes. I’m Trenton’s punch line. Hell, even my father said it months ago. I look better than Chris Christie so everyone talks about me.
I’m sick of being their joke.
I consider what I know. Aside from my family, Mary Lou, Lula and Connie, no one really calls me. Not to say hey, to catch up, to invite me out. Everyone in Trenton knows both the men in my life are gone and no one has anything to say to me. I haven’t been to the police station in months because I don’t have any skips, so I’m sure they’re sad to see their source of side funding has dried up. But otherwise?
My phone isn’t exactly ringing off the hook.
As a matter of fact, I get calls from Cindy and Nikki in Atlanta more than my sister. Their calls are like Mary Lou’s, calls to catch up and see how I’m doing. Invitations to come and visit. Nikki wanted to know if I would mind taking her and Hector Manuel to the beach, if it isn’t too much trouble, when they come up to visit Hector.
My family is just weird. Every family dinner now contains a discussion of the skills I’m acquiring. No mentions of men, marriage, or babies and I’m still trying to figure out what brought that on. Mom loves the Merry Men and Dad loves for them to drop by at dinnertime. He talks during our meals. I noticed Grandma’s stopped pinching the guys (I’m almost certain Hector had something to do with that) and our dinners are pleasant. The guys actually enjoy going now. I enjoy going now.
The Merry Men are pinch hitting while Ranger and BLT are away. Hector is my closest friend and confidante, even closer than Les and I are. He’s my shot of painful reality and can tell me hard truths in a way that I can understand. Hal is another big brother, teasing me but worried about my health and happiness above all. He’s even given me a special nickname, Sis, which makes me smile. Ram and Danny are the truthful ones. I know that I can get the absolute, unvarnished truth from them and they’re just as concerned about my happiness as Hal. Watching Ram dig through the Bomber file when I’m upset is amusing; he’s really determined to resolve all threats and make me happy again. Manny is the prankster and jokester but he has a devious mind like mine. We think so similarly that lately I can simply look at him and he’ll nod. Message received. I never thought of myself as gaining any ESP but I realize it’s a symptom of working and living with these guys 24-7. I’ve learned how they work, what makes them tick.
There are new people in my life. Ella is right. My friendships are changing and Ranger isn’t even here to be a factor. His absence is the biggest factor. I never considered that his absence meant that I would end up filling up the huge hole his presence makes with multiple other people.
Ella hasn’t said anything while I’ve been contemplating this, but now she sits next to me on the sofa and holds my hand. I look over at her and I’m surprised to realize that I can barely see her for the tears.
“This is a part of being in Ranger’s life,” she says quietly. “There will be loneliness. Even Ranger felt it, but he had made his decision and he accepted it. You must make your decision now, and I’m not asking you to make a decision on the men. I’m asking you to decide if you want to continue on the path you’re on. Your scream frightened me and I had to order the men to stand down on 6. They were ready to storm the apartment for threats.” Ella pats my hand and smiles.
“This is a part of growing into the next phase of your life. Only you can decide what it will be. Just know that your true friends will accept your decision and love you all the same.”
With that, Ella turns off the remaining lamp and I’m left in the candlelight to think.
