Chapter 39.5: The Housekeepers’ War, Part I
Trenton, Part I
Ella’s POV
Luis declared that there was absolutely no way I would take on the Miami men on my own. My husband is my partner in everything, and I didn’t blame him. Every time I’ve come back from Miami I’ve been tempted to throw things. So I informed Hal that Luis and I were headed to Miami and he agreed.
Hector picked us up from the airport on Monday morning.
“Stephanie is offline,” he said with a significant look. I frowned. Where could she be, especially without Hector at her back and . . . oh! I beam at Hector. Nothing more need be said. Wonderful! He’s surprised her with a romantic getaway, just the two of them. That’s more like it.
We piled into the SUV and Hector turned to us. “You bring the bug detector?” We nodded. “Good. They aren’t ready for her review. I’ve been scaring them, popping up at random. Also, I enjoyed the papas rellenas left in the break room yesterday. Delicious.”
Really?! Is she still serving meals outside requirements? I shake my head. Maria has to learn that you can get the RangeMen to love you without bribing them. She’s made her own situation much harder. I know now what I need to do.
None of the RangeMen are on hand to greet us when we arrive except Armando. He’s smiling and friendly, but Hector said to watch out for him too. He can be a snake in the grass when you least expect it. I know; I’ve dealt with him before. Luis and I head to the kitchen and pantry to inspect my new domain.
Maria does an excellent job keeping this place up to standards, but I can see why her food budget is outsized. Meat, potatoes, lard (that’s gone immediately), and pounds of butter. The woman’s pantry is a place where Helen Plum would feel right at home. I hear shuffling and I turn around to find five RangeMen in the prep area, smiling. Luis is still in the walk-ins.
“Hello! I’m Antonio and welcome to RangeMan Miami.”
“Hello. I’m Ella Guzman.”
Each man grins. “Well, we’ve heard so much about you, Ella. We’re thrilled to have you here in house at RangeMan Miami for . . . how long are you here?”
I didn’t invite you to address me informally, young man, but I’ll wait on that. “I’m here for a month.”
“Great! We can’t wait to see what culinary delights you have in store for us. Now, in the meantime, I’m sure you are settling in, inspecting your new domain, but I—we—thought we’d give you a list of our dietary requirements and the standard meal plans here. Also, we have lists of our favorite meals and snacks and what we require of Maria.”
I’m shocked by his audacity. I’m the head housekeeper for RangeMan. Does he not think I’d come armed with those things? I look at him coldly. “Did you really think I would show up here without consulting Maria? Without ensuring that I was prepared to take on her duties for a month? Do you men really think I’m so feeble and absentminded? Or do you assume Maria is too scatterbrained to give me the correct information?”
They’re shuffling now and looking at their feet. Antonio stares straight at me. “No, Ella—”
“Mrs. Guzman.”
He blinks.
“We have not known each other long enough for you to be so familiar with me, nor have I given you permission to call me by my Christian name. I am Mrs. Guzman. Now, you were saying?”
I can tell he’s embarrassed and pissed that he’s embarrassed, but that’s basic manners and he should know better. “Well, Mrs. Guzman, we weren’t insinuating that you are feeble or absent-minded. We simply thought we might help you out by informing you of the Miami practices. If you are not in need of our assistance, we apologize.” He motions to the other men and they all walk out of the kitchen.
I’m not ignorant of his plan. Now I’m supposed to be so overcome with remorse that I should run after them, apologize, and beg for his assistance. Sorry, gentlemen. No apologies here. You were being rude and condescending and I’ll not bow to that behavior.
Luis sticks his head in the kitchen. My husband is furious, but he’s doing a good job of holding it in. “Get them straight soon or I’ll shoot them all.”
I smile. “Feel free to inform them that there’s a standard of behavior for your wife. I’ll not consider that interference.”
Luis grins and I can tell that the staff meeting here will be uncomfortable for the Miami men.
Each RangeMan housekeeper is required to keep multiple binders detailing their routines, professional contacts (for supplies, cleaning services, etc), meal plans, notes, etc. I’m not a stickler for overseeing the housekeepers, as long as there are no major complaints about their service or standards. These women are professionals with years of experience. I rarely find problems. Each RangeMan is given a survey to fill out four times a year to assess the housekeeper’s service, and it’s the method I base any bonus on.
I’m sure each housekeeper thinks her salary and bonus is determined by the XO at the branch, but they’re wrong; I’m the head housekeeper. That’s my role in order to avoid a conflict of interest between the housekeepers and the XOs. My salary and bonus are determined by Tank and Bobby, since I’m related to Carlito and Lester. I make a surprise inspection of each RangeMan location once a year to ensure standards are kept.
Maria’s files are immaculate and detail every single thing she does here. I review her meal plans, the one area where she consistently fails my inspections, and shake my head. I see what has happened here. The Miami men have ‘gifted’ her with recipes and family favorites that they would like her to serve and, eager to please, she has drifted away from the standard RangeMan fare to these items. Since Maria is a widow who loves to cook, it was a simple thing to manipulate her into doing what they pleased. It’s what they just tried to do to me. I call Jackson, the medic here, and ask for the results of the last four physicals for each man.
“Ma’am, I’m not sure I’m allowed to release that to you. HIPAA, after all.”
“I believe that the ‘housekeeper in residence’ is listed as an exception on the RangeMan release form, isn’t that correct?”
“Yes ma’am, but that would be Maria.” I wait a moment and allow him to think about that. “Right. I see your point. I’ll bring the files up ASAP.”
“Thank you, Jackson.”
In the meantime I review Maria’s ‘meals’. Papas rellenas, empanadas, yucca chips, fried plantains, tamales (tamales! Those take forever to make!), albondigas, arepas, the list is endless and all of it is absolutely unacceptable. I keep digging and find a “Ranger” menu. This is more acceptable. Toasted nuts, granola, yogurt, and fresh fruit. I see. So when Carlito is in house she serves the correct meals but otherwise she’s cooking ridiculously for these men.
I find Luis helping Jackson haul the medical records in. I stand, smiling, until all the records are in. Jackson nods at me and turns to leave.
“Jackson?”
He turns. “Yes, Mrs. Guzman?”
“Where’s the receipt for me to sign?”
He blinks. Oh please don’t tell me you’re just handing me these files without making me sign for them, especially after making a big deal about HIPAA. The look on his face suggests that’s exactly what’s happening. I’m stunned.
Stephanie is going to tear this place apart. I make a mental note to make sure Hector drills her on the SOPs.
I turn, pull a piece a paper, and sign a quick receipt of the files. I hand it to Jackson, who is blushing, embarrassed. “Young man, you are in charge of medical files here. Bobby would never hand me a file without making me sign my life away and Zero is just as bad.” Jackson nods, ashamed, and leaves.
I turn to Luis, who grins and shakes his head. “Dulce, they won’t know what hit them when Stephanie arrives.”
“I knew Miami was lax, but this is unacceptable. Does Armando just expect Ranger’s presence to resolve all problems?”
“Ella, I get the feeling that that is exactly what happens. When Ranger is here, they all straighten up. Otherwise . . . ” Luis shrugs. “I’m not looking forward to doing an inspection of Rafe’s work here.”
“Luis, you should see her meals! Ranger would kill me, literally kill me, if I set out tamales and albondigas in Trenton!”
“Albondigas?” Luis is intrigued. My husband loves those little meatballs. I hand him a meal plan and shopping list and watch his eyebrows reach his hairline. He lowers his paper and looks at me, grim. “Dulce, you have your work cut out for you. Which reminds me.” Luis disappears into our bedroom and reappears with the bug detector Hector gifted him. He does a quick sweep of the apartment and returns with six devices. He grins mischievously.
“Now, what do you think I should tell Hector, hmm? Should I tell him that I found six bugs in our apartment? They have to be for us, to spy on us. What other reason could there be? Or should I tell Hal? He doesn’t like anyone messing with you either. Do you think they’re trying to learn more about Stephanie through us?” Luis is holding back laughter.
I pick up the commentary. “I wonder if they realize that we aren’t feeble. We raised five children. We’re ready for any trick in the book. We came with a bug detector!”
I can’t wait to see what the response to this will be.
I call ahead to Armando and let him know that I’ll be ten minutes late to the staff meeting and I would appreciate it if he allowed Luis a moment or two to address the care and standards toward his wife. Armando eagerly agreed.
I arrive exactly ten minutes late and sit next to Luis. Every man in the room is silent and most refuse to look at me.
Armando smiles. “Mrs. Guzman, we’re just at your part in the report.”
“Thank you, Armando,” I reply. I turn to the men. “I’m still doing an assessment of the standards of this location, but the one thing I can announce is that, starting tomorrow, the diet at this location will be entirely different. I’ve seen Maria’s standard diet and it’s completely unacceptable. I will set a new standard, which I will require Maria to follow. Jackson?” I turn to Jackson, who nods at me. “I’m still reviewing files, but I would appreciate some of your time tomorrow or Wednesday in order get a full understanding of the health and dietary requirements of this branch.”
“We’ll do everything necessary to make Jackson available to you, Mrs. Guzman,” Armando replies, turning a hard look to Jackson. “Anything else?”
“Not so far. Thank you.”
The meeting is dismissed on time, and Armando catches me and Luis on the way out the door.
“Mr. and Mrs. Guzman?” We smile. Armando is sketchy, but polite. We look at each other and nod.
“Ella and Luis, please, Armando. How can we help?” Luis replies.
Armando smiles. “No help needed. I know this is your first night here and I was going to invite you to dinner at my home tonight. My mother and grandmother are cooking and you’re more than welcome.”
I see Luis look at me. He’s game and I’ll appreciate not cooking. I nod. “We’d be delighted.”
Dinner at Armando’s is pleasant. It’s clear that the man is a bit sexist, but he’s also henpecked. He lives with his mother, his still-single sister, his wife, and two daughters. He’s surrounded by women, which is why his response to me is entirely different from the rest of his office.
After dinner, we meet with him in his home office, and I’m surprised by the information he gives me.
“I heard you found the bugs,” he says, smiling. Luis and I are stunned. “Oh, I’m not supposed to know they bugged you either, but I happened to be eavesdropping in the right place at the right time. They’re terrified right now because if you hand those bugs back to Hector, they know they’re dead. Hector constantly popping up right now is scaring them shitless.”
Luis and I look at each other and laugh.
“Look, I’ll tell you what I know. I know this: I’ve tried to run an attitude adjustment on that office and it failed. I know that Maria’s diet is completely unacceptable, and I tried to stop that. I suspect that she simply started slipping them treats under the table and, instead of having everyone treat me as if I’m an idiot, I just let her do it above board where you can catch her on the annual review. I know that I haven’t told anyone in the office that Hector is Stephanie’s partner because the threat is too good. If they knew he was her partner, they wouldn’t say more than ‘Yes, CO’ to her for fear of Hector’s punishment. What I need to know is what you need to be successful.”
Luis and I raise our eyebrows at Armando, who smiles.
“Again, not stupid. You didn’t just decide to switch with Maria for a month on a whim. I smell Ranger’s or Lester’s involvement in this. I don’t care as long as you’re successful in whatever you’re trying to do.”
Luis pipes up before I can say anything. “We need a car, something small, to get around.” He looks at me and I nod. That’s all I need right now.
“Great. I’ll get you access to one of the Camrys. Is that OK?” We nod. “OK. The other thing is that I don’t think you’ll find too many problems with Rafe’s work. Since he has standard maintenance, I usually don’t see any problems there, but if you find some, please let me know.” He looks at his fingers. “I’ll tell you what I haven’t said to anyone. I expect Miami won’t pass this management review.”
“Why?” I ask, astonished. That’s the first time I’ve heard any XO say it aloud.
“Because my men will torpedo it. They’re a bunch of sexist pigs who will assume that anything the CO dings them on is because she personally doesn’t like them. They won’t consider the alternative: that they might have earned it. I’m not looking forward to it.”
I look at Armando coldly. He’s just as manipulative as the rest. “Armando, telling us won’t help your case. If you fail management review, it will be because management has allowed this problem to fester. If you know your men are sexist, do something about it. You know your men bugged us, but you didn’t address it. You like to sit back and allow someone to solve the problem so you aren’t the bad guy. Well, I’m sorry but you’re in management. You can’t always be the buddy.” I stand and so does Luis. “Sometimes, my dear, you have to be the hard ass.”
On the way back to RangeMan, I ask Armando to swing by the local Whole Foods. I’ll find other sources later but right now, I need a quick one-stop shop.
I grab the makings of three kinds of granola and kale chips. I also grab a couple of jicama. Spent entirely too much, but this is good for tomorrow. The next morning, the RangeMen find crocks of steel-cut oatmeal, dried fruit, granola, and yogurt for breakfast. No orange juice. No huevos rancheros. Nothing fried. Just a nice solid healthy breakfast.
This is one of the standard breakfasts at every other RangeMan location.
Mid-morning, I set out the kale and jicama chips. The oatmeal was half eaten.
“Mrs. Guzman?”
I turn around. Don’t know this one yet. “Yes?”
“I’m Pedro. Nice to meet you.” I shake his hand, smiling. “Any chance of seeing some albondigas today? I missed out yesterday.”
I notice shadows outside the door and the room is suspiciously empty. Sigh. The Trenton RangeMen are much better at espionage. They would have bugged the room and turned the cameras in this direction before sending someone in.
“Pedro?” He nods. “You’ve been set up, young man. I informed everyone at yesterday’s staff meeting that the diet was going to be completely different. No albondigas on the menu from now on.”
His smile drops. “Then you’re going to have a problem with this office.”
I smile. “I doubt it. After all, I’m the head housekeeper. Your next stop above me is the CO. Feel free to complain to her.”
He stares at me for a long moment then walks out. I finish setting up the snacks.
This is going to be one long, interesting month.
Maria’s POV
I’m met at the airport by two men, who approach me silently and cautiously. I’m actually more afraid of them than I am comforted and I realize that they must be RangeMen.
“Mrs. Saldana?”
I nod, tears in my eyes. It’s been a while since anyone called me by my married name. I miss Armand so much at times like this. The RangeMan grimaces slightly and hands me a handkerchief. I inspect it quickly and silently. It’s spotless. I wipe my eyes.
“I’m Henry, called Hal,” he says, “and this is Ramsay, called Ram. We’re the XO and Liaison for RangeMan Trenton, and we’re here to welcome you to New Jersey.”
I nod and smile. “Sorry. Been a while since anyone called me by my married name. You can call me Maria.”
Ram smiles. “Wonderful to meet you, Maria. If you’ll tell me how many bags you have, I’ll grab them. We have the items you had shipped up and they’re already waiting for you in your apartment at RangeMan.”
I point out my bags and the men grab them and escort me to a waiting SUV. We pile in and they inform me that it’s about an hour back to Trenton, depending on the traffic.
“We wanted to give you a few minutes to relax after the plane ride, and if you have any questions that we can answer before you hit the building, we’re more than happy to do so.”
I miss my Miami men. These boys are polite, but I don’t know them yet.
“Well, tell me a little about the office.”
They fill me in on the size and the general area. I ask about local grocery stores and they tell me what’s close by and what’s preferred. Then they tell me the grocery procedures. I’m stunned.
“So, let me make sure I understand this. I simply need to inform you, Hal, when I’m making a grocery run and I’ll have an escort?” Hal nods. “Each time?” Another nod. “Why?”
Ram looks back at me in confusion. “Well, each time Ella does a grocery run, we go with her. I mean, we don’t expect her to haul all that stuff into the SUV or the building on her own. Nor do we expect her to push those heavy baskets around the warehouse stores. Plus, she says that you have an hour to get refrigerated stuff back into a refrigerator, so while she does the shopping, we run it back to the building to ensure maximum freshness. I mean, that’s standard procedure.”
Not in Miami it’s not. I’ve had to run back and forth from the stores to the building in summer for fear that things might go bad in my car.
Ram continues. “That’s actually standard procedure whenever you go shopping, but definitely grocery shopping. We don’t expect you to push heavy baskets around.” He grins. “I think Ella thought we were calling her feeble at first, but she’s grown to love it. Besides, we like to treat the woman feeding us well, so you simply need to tell us what you need and we’ll try our best to get it for you.”
I’m stunned by this attitude. The Miami men treat me well, but they equate pushing a basket for any reason as shopping and they won’t do it. I don’t mind. I enjoy walking around the supermarkets, squeezing the fruit and shopping for the finest meats. It will feel awkward having an escort while doing that and I tell Ram that. He nods.
“We’re used to it. I think Ella squeezes everything. Why don’t you give having the assistance a try once? If you don’t care for it, you don’t have to have it.”
I agree. This should be interesting.
At first, my meals did not go over well. I cooked my standard Miami fare, including all the little treats, and was surprised to see that very little of it was eaten. These were big strong boys! I expected those platters to be cleaned.
After the fourth day, Ram called me into his office.
“Maria, please take a seat.” He waited until I was seated to sit. I love their manners. “Maria, I’m not sure how to address this properly, but I’m going to try. We adore your meals, but they’re a bit much for us. A bit too heavy.” Ram smiled sadly. “I’m asking you to dial back on the fried foods and meat. We love it but we really can’t handle it.”
I blinked and sat back. “Well, that’s the standard fare in Miami. I’m sorry. I . . . I’m not sure what to say. They love my food.”
Ram nodded. “I’m sure that’s true, but here in Trenton, all your meals are too heavy.” He looked down and I could see he had some notes. “I guess the biggest thing I should say is that there are more military men at this location than any other and a lot of us are ex-Special Forces, myself included. I see meat as a complement to a meal, not the starring item, and a fried item around here is considered a special occasion treat. The meaty fried things you’ve been serving have been a bit much.”
He smiled. “Don’t get me wrong, I could eat my weight in those meatballs you served yesterday, but I also had to do two hours on the treadmill to work it off. Judging from the activity in the gym this morning, I wasn’t the only one.”
I nodded. Ella is always dinging me in her inspections for my food but they love that food in Miami. I don’t see my Miami men killing themselves to work it off. They simply do it.
“OK, what do you suggest?”
He passed the sheet of paper. I could see a menu. “I wrote down what I remember Ella serving here last week. That’s more in line with what we’re used to.” He stood and shut his office door. “I am taking you into my confidence now, Maria. Please don’t tell anyone what I reveal to you, especially Miami.”
I nodded.
“The CO is working to meet RangeMan standards here at Trenton. The diet is the biggest stumbling block for her, and we’ve made it easy by having Ella make all her meals. She loves doughnuts, pizza, meatball subs, fried chicken, ice cream, all that stuff. I’m sure Ella talked to you about it.”
She did, and I was thrilled to know that I might have the chance to introduce the girl to Cuban food when she visited Miami. Now I’ll get to do it here!
“The fact is, until she meets standards, she can’t have any of that stuff, and what you’ve served so far is the kind of stuff she’ll want and can’t have. It serves as a bad example to the men to have the CO eating outside the standards. So, I’m asking you to serve her and us the standard RangeMan diet until she passes standards.”
I looked at the menu. It’s the sort of stuff I hate to cook. Healthy but boring. “I can do this, but what about snacks and treats?”
“Snacks here are granola, fruit, yogurt, anything high fiber, low fat and calories. Carrot sticks, slices of cucumber, plain and butter-free popcorn.” He grins. “We love dessert but it’s on the banned list. The CO’s food pyramid is completely dessert based at the bottom, and if she smells cake or cookies on premises, there’s no place we could hide it that she wouldn’t find it. If you can make cake healthy, it’s cleared.”
I laughed. My kinda woman. I suppose I’ll have to cook Ella’s boring meals. I nodded at Ram and headed back upstairs to determine how to manage this. I had until tomorrow, when the CO would return home.
A week later I’m really missing my Miami boys. I call Pedro, who tells me that Ella has gone over like a combless chicken in Miami.
“Maria, we miss you so much! Please come home!” He moans.
I laugh. “I’ll be home soon enough. You’ll survive.”
Apparently Ella is feeding them the vegetarian/vegan RangeMan diet. I told her all that healthy stuff wouldn’t go over there. Those are men. Manly men. They want and need meat, protein, eggs. She’s feeding them an almost vegan diet. Vegetable chips, fresh fruit, chickpea stews, and tofu. They’re now grateful to see yogurt and cheese. They’ve never been so regular, Pedro tells me.
I laugh my butt off when we hang up.
I head downstairs to the 5th floor and find Hal. He waves me into his office and stands as I enter. How nice. I must say, the Trenton men do a much better job of treating me like a lady.
“Hal, I’m headed on a grocery store run. I think I’ll try this escort thing and see how it works.”
Hal nods and picks up the phone. “Junior?” He waits. “Junior, Hal. Maria’s doing a grocery run. Volunteers to my office.”
He motions for me to take a seat. “When the men arrive, you simply need to tell them how many stores and what you expect to pick up so they can organize.”
I’m not sure what to say. I thought this was an assigned duty, so I’m waiting to see how many men volunteer. And I’m not sure what he means about them needing to organize.
Five minutes later, I’m looking at eight men. I’m stunned. “Umm …I don’t know what to tell you guys.”
Vince smiles. I love his smile. “Well, what do you tell the Miami men?”
“They don’t do this.”
His smile drops. “You mean . . . I’m not sure I follow.”
I give a small smile. “They don’t escort me. Never offered to. I’m not sure what the procedure is here.”
The Trenton men look at each other in surprise. Vince takes the seat next to me. “OK, how many stores are we hitting?”
“Three. Sam’s, Whole Foods, and Trader Joe’s.” I see grins at the mention of Trader Joe’s. Ella told me it was a favorite.
“Are you picking up refrigerated items at each store?” I nod and I see two RangeMen, Binkie and Eddie, leave the room. I’m slowly learning names.
“Which store do you plan to have the biggest haul at?”
“Sam’s.”
“OK, so here’s what I suggest. Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s are the farthest away, but they’re right across the street from each other. We’ll put coolers in the back of an SUV and let’s go there first. The guys will bring your purchases back here and stash them while we hit Sam’s in the van. Sound good?”
I don’t know what to say. I smile at Vince and he passes a hankie. We head to the garage and six RangeMen pile into the van while Binkie and Vince pile into the SUV with me. Binkie heads to the Trader Joe’s while Vince turns to look at me.
“I didn’t want to make a big deal of it back there, but are you telling me that when you do grocery runs, no one helps you?”
I nod. “No. I was surprised when Hal and Ram told me that was standard procedure here. I don’t know what to say, except that I’m surprised and grateful.”
Binkie and Vince look at each other. “Well, Maria, SOPs in Trenton are that Ella is a gem not to be misused or taken for granted. If you need help with anything, and I do mean anything, here in Trenton, you need only ask any RangeMan. You don’t have to route requests through Hal. We’re happy to help.”
Binkie looks at me through the rearview and smiles. “We mean that. We look out for the lady who feeds us and orders our clothes and supplies.”
Shopping day with the Trenton men was a revelation. We arrived at each store and I was allowed to hold my purse. That was it. They pushed the baskets, they packed the SUV and the van, and they stood quietly and patiently as I checked my shopping lists and looked at labels. No one got annoyed as I searched for the finest meats and veggies, and they made sure items were correctly weighed and marked. Best of all, after watching me place 10 cans of tomatoes into the basket, they informed me that I need only point to an item and tell them how many I needed and they would do the stacking. We got down three rows much faster because they worked in groups of two to stack those baskets with my choices.
What would have taken me nearly all day in Miami took three hours in Trenton, and that’s only because we stopped for a light snack.
I was surprised by what I saw when I got back to Trenton. The men had placed the items from the first two stores in the refrigerator. All volunteers went back downstairs to help the rest of the brigade. I didn’t need to give any orders. All pantry items went directly into the pantry, with the oldest items being pushed forward to make sure they were used first. The other men pulled out chef’s knives and sankotu blades and awaited orders.
I was standing in the middle of the room in shock when Eddie smiled.
“Maria? Your orders, ma’am? Do you need help chopping, dicing, slicing, or breaking down any roasts or chickens?” I blinked and he grinned. “This is one of the few ways we get to use our knife skills on a regular basis.”
The tears began to run down my cheeks. No wonder every other housekeeper praised her men so much. If they all did this, then I was clearly not being treated right in Miami.
Vince stepped forward and hugged me. “Just so you know, we suck at comfort, but the CO has taught us to be good with hugs. If you need more than a hug and a hankie, we won’t know what to do.”
That was so hilarious I had to laugh. I began to push chickens forward and give instructions on how many pieces I needed and how I needed the roasts cut. The rest of the men got the vegetables and fruit. They completed in one hour what might have taken me hours in Miami.
I had the rest of the afternoon to myself and, for the first time in four years, I had absolutely no idea what to do.
