Chapter 83.5: 72 Hours with the Equal Rights Warrior
“Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman,
but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force.” ~ Dorothy Sayers
Edna’s POV
Hot Damn! An all-expenses paid vacation to Miami!
I hang up the phone and start packing. Stephie said the flight would leave Newark at noon tomorrow and one of her RangeMen would pick me up at 10 a.m. and escort me to the airport. I’m thrilled.
Stephie said that she needed help teaching a bunch of sexists to fear the power of a woman. Not a problem. I marched in the 70s for the ERA and I still regret it didn’t pass. I spent years as a housewife only to get screwed in the end. I now live with my propriety-obsessed daughter and her quietly compliant husband.
That house is hell.
I miss having my own home and living in Stephie’s apartment is great. I’m an independent woman again, well, sort of. Stephie is paying my rent and Social Security gives me the money I need to live off, so I can get out and do things with my friends. I play bingo, gossip at the Clip N Curl, date, and gamble in Atlantic City. So if my granddaughter needs to teach a bunch of men that women aren’t to be messed with, I’m glad to help.
Plus, it’s an all-expenses paid vacation to Miami. What idiot turns that down? This couldn’t have happened at a better time. I’ve met, dated, and attempted to sleep with all the Trenton men of my acquaintance, so it was time to take a break and meet some new men. A beach city with lots of gorgeous men my age and younger is the perfect place to do it.
I call Helen, so she knows that I’m headed out of town.
“Helen?”
“Mother?”
“I’m headed to Miami. Stephie wanted to know if I wanted to join her.”
“Miami? Mother, Stephanie’s working. Don’t interfere with what she’s doing—”
“Edna?”
I knew he’d sprint to the phone. “A RangeMan is picking me up tomorrow, Frank. I don’t need a ride.”
“Still, I’ll come along to help him.”
I snort. Want to make sure I make that plane, huh? “OK, Frank. Let the RangeMen know.”
Helen has the extension. “Where are you going to be staying, Mother? What are you going to do while Stephanie works? What—”
“For goodness sakes, Helen, give it a rest! Your daughter and your mother have brains! Those buildings have apartments, you know that. I’ll get a chance to get out and explore the city and the beach. Why? You want me to come home?”
“Need help packing?” Frank asks.
“No, Frank, I’m fine. I’m going to hang up now. I have to pack.” Click.
Jesus. Those two need a vacation.
There’s a knock at the door and I look out the peephole. ML. I’m so happy that she and Stephie are still friends, true friends, after all these years.
“Hey, Mrs. Mazur! I got a call from Junior at RangeMan that you might need some help packing. You’re joining Steph in Miami?”
I open the door and step back so she can walk in. “Yup! I’m excited but I don’t have any bikinis. I need swimsuits and sunblock.”
ML laughs. “OK, well, let’s go shopping. Gotta be someplace around here we can find that stuff.”
ML and I spend the rest of the day shopping. I find bikinis, tankinis, one-pieces, monokinis, and cover-ups all on sale. It helps that, now that I’m older, I apparently fit into pre-teen sizes.
My breasts look as if all the air’s been let out but that doesn’t matter. I still have ’em.
We swing by the pharmacy and I buy three boxes of 36 count condoms. I might get lucky. ML turns red trying not to laugh.
“Condoms?”
“I might be within sight of the grave, but no need to rush there.”
She sobers and nods, smiling gravely. “Safe sex is always best.”
“Exactly. In my day, you got the clap or the baby. Now, you can get damn near anything.”
I’m ready by 10 a.m., when there’s a knock at the door. I check the peephole. Frank and a RangeMan. I open the door.
“Hello Frank.” I turn to the RangeMan, who smiles.
“Mrs. Mazur. I’m Vince.”
“The one related to Giordano?” He shakes his head. “You speak Italian?” He nods. Well, that explains why Frank’s so happy. Helen says he’s thrilled to have Italians to talk to. “You’re not mob, are you?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Good.”
I turn and motion to the bags behind me. Frank inspects the apartment to ensure I closed the windows and turned all the burners off. I glare at him. “Experience,” he says.
Vince motions for my key, locks the apartment up tight and picks up both bags as if they weigh nothing. I’m tucked in the SUV and headed to Newark in minutes. I slide right through security and board the flight first. First class really is the only way to fly.
Miami, 3 p.m.
I’m walking to baggage claim when I see two gorgeous young men with tight bodies standing around with a sign.
Edna Mazur
Hot Diggity! Stephie came through for me.
“Hello there! I’m Edna. Are you here to take me to Stephanie?”
Both men blink then nod.
“OK, well, we gotta get my suitcases and then we can go.” I follow both over to the correct carousel.
Pinch. The RangeMan jumps at least a foot in the air and whirls around looking fierce. His eyes land on me and I can tell he’s confused.
“Mrs. Mazur, did anyone walk up behind me?”
Smile pretty, Edna. He’s a prospect. “No, no one did.”
The other guy is looking concerned. He turns toward me and starts scanning the crowd while the other RangeMan waits for my luggage.
Wonderful. He’s distracted.
“What’s your name?”
He looks at me in confusion. “Antonio.” He takes a moment, thinks about it and points at his partner. “This is Jozen.” Jozen turns around and nods at me.
“Well, it’s wonderful to meet you boys. Say, are you natives to Miami?”
Antonio nods.
“Great! So you know where all the nude beaches are?”
Jozen turns around and they both look at me in confusion. They look at each other, look at me, and slowly nod.
“OK, did Stephie tell you to take me directly to her?”
They both shake their heads.
“Excellent. I wanna hit a nude beach first. And not a beach with old saggy people. I can see that at home. I wanna hit a beach with young firm bodies. When we get my luggage, I want to go ahead and change into my bikini.”
The two RangeMen look at each other in confusion. “Mrs. Mazur,” Antonio begins, smiling charmingly, “wouldn’t you like to go back to the office, see your granddaughter, perhaps take a nap? This must have been a tiring day for you.”
I frown at him. “Young man, if I wanted a nap, I’d have told you to take me to wherever Stephie is going to have me staying. I don’t need a nap. I need the beach. Call Stephie and get permission if you need to, but we’re going straight to the beach.”
Antonio makes the call.
“CO, Mrs. Mazur is requesting to go directly to the beach.”
“Understood. My grandmother’s plans are supreme unless I give you a different order. She can go wherever she wants, do whatever she wants and I don’t expect to receive calls about it unless it would be a danger to her health. By that I mean don’t let her go bungee jumping, but otherwise, she does as she pleases.”
Both men gulp and I smile. Yes! Baby granddaughter comes through for me again.
“Yes, CO. 10-4.” Click. I frown; Stephie’s phone manners have deteriorated since she took this job.
Both men face the baggage carousel again and I get a chance to pinch Antonio’s tush. Nice and firm. He, too, jumps a foot in the air and scans for whoever pinched him.
I can see him making the connection. “No, young man, no one walked up behind you.” I smile pretty.
He has the same look as the Trenton men: fearful and disturbed. This is going to be a wonderful trip.
The men have retrieved my luggage and they wait for me to change into my bikini. I strut out in the hot neon orange number with the white crochet top and the white flip flops. I thought I might look a disaster, but I had a chance to scope out this airport. I fit right in.
Both men look astonished and disturbed. Good. I smile big.
“How hot is it outside?”
“95 degrees, Mrs. Mazur,” Antonio replies.
I flutter my eyelashes at him. “Please, call me Edna,” I reply in my best Mae West voice. Jozen turns red, as if he’s trying not to laugh. Good. Your turn.
“Well, since it’s that hot outside, I’ll need to apply sun block first. Jozen, would you mind?”
There’s a momentary look of astonishment on his face before he takes the sun block and slowly begins to apply it. Antonio has turned red trying not to laugh. I love the big strong hands. Finally, he finishes and looks at the sun block on his hands in confusion.
“How often does it have to be applied?”
He reads the back. “Umm . . . Every three hours.”
“Great. Antonio, your turn in three hours.”
Antonio turns red. I’m amused. This is your future boys. We all sag and wrinkle at some point. Better get used to touching this skin now.
“Mrs. Mazur, I’m the head of the bodyguard group—”
“Really? I get the boss the first time? I feel really special.” I take his arm and start walking to the exit. “Now, Stephie told me I’m supposed to assess how good you men are at your jobs, which I think is silly because I know you’re good. You’re RangeMen! I’m sure I won’t have to tell you simple things, right?”
I smile winningly. He still looks disturbed. “After all, I’m an old lady and I’m not as flexible as I used to be. So it would really be bad if you took me to the beach and let me get burned. Stephie wouldn’t like that at all and I’m sure Ranger won’t. I like Ranger because he’s fun but my favorite RangeMan is Hector.” They both stop dead in their tracks and stare at me. Hmm . . . I guess the rumors about Hector’s reputation might be true. “He’s the sneakiest man I’ve ever met. He and I have a prank war going. Is he here in Miami?”
“No, ma’am,” Antonio replies slowly.
“Damn! I think I might have a way to get back at him.”
We’re reached the car and I climb into the front passenger seat the moment the doors are unlocked. Both men look at each other but I ignore them, pretending to reapply my lipstick.
“Well, anyway, Stephie said she was giving you a chance to prove you’re really good at this. I’m supposed to tell her which bodyguards I like the most and I’m supposed to feel protected, safe, and respected while with you. And since I’m old, I’m going to need help doing things, like putting on sunblock.”
Both men are frozen. Good.
“Let’s hit the beach!”
I look out of the window. No one’s naked. “Is this Hanover Beach?”
Antonio is silent. “Yes.”
“Is this the naked end?”
He stares at me. “No.”
“Then let’s go to the naked end.”
“No.”
I look at him. “Why not?”
“Because I have no intention of going to a nude beach today. My orders are—”
“I wanna go to the nude beach.” I open the door and step down. I look back at him and Jozen. “So let’s go to the nude beach.”
I close the door and step onto the sand, pulling off my cover up. I hear the car doors slam behind me and I look. This is great. I march onto the sand and head straight to the lifeguard.
“Hello!”
He looks down. “Hi!” He leaves the seat to lean over the guard rail. “How can I help you, miss?”
I giggle coyly. “Charmer.” He grins. “I’m looking for the nude beach.”
He laughs and whistles. “Great! Nice to see you know you still got it.”
I love this young man. “Exactly! My bodyguards”—I motion to the RangeMen—”they don’t think I have it.”
The lifeguard is gay. I can tell that immediately. He gets a stiffy looking at the RangeMen and the RangeMen stiffen in place. “Well, cutie, the nude beach is about a ten minute walk that way.” He points south. I look at the RangeMen.
“You know, on second thought, why have all the fun on the first day? You plan to be here all day? You’re a charming young man—”
“Mrs. Mazur, you did ask about the nude beach,” Antonio says, smiling tightly.
“Yeah, but you didn’t want to take me there. Now I’ve found a charming young man to chat with.”
“Well, now that we know where it is, we can go there.”
I see Jozen poke him. “Man, are you crazy?” he whispers.
“Nude women.”
“Oh.”
I smile at the lifeguard. “What’s your name?”
“Manolo.”
“What are you doing later, Manolo?”
“I don’t have plans yet.”
“Great! How about having dinner with the young at heart?” I flutter my eyelashes and he laughs.
“I’d love to.” He leans in close. “You bringing the eye candy?” Both RangeMen stiffen.
“Absolutely.”
Twenty minutes later, I’m stretched out nude on a towel on the nude side of the beach.
So are the RangeMen. They’re not nude, but they are sweating. I look over. “You might as well take off the black uniforms. You’re roasting.”
“We’d rather roast,” Jozen says, sweat dripping down his face.
“OK.” I close my eyes and grin mentally. I watch as they each attempt to pick up women and I laugh. I heard about this beach years ago and I learned three things since.
- It’s boring. No one’s tossing Frisbees, no one’s swimming, no one is doing anything except soaking up the sun. Damn. I expected to see some action.
- It’s impossible to pick up a woman here. Most young women are stripping down publicly for the first time. They have their bullshit meters on ‘High’. That’s the other reason I wanted to come here. These boys can’t pick up any women. I’ll have better luck.
- The women here are not supermodels. They’re real women, big, small, thin, chubby and every size in-between. The women here don’t do pilates like a religion. They eat carbs. Their asses sag, their breasts droop, and they aren’t toned.
I almost feel sorry for these boys. They’re trying but after an hour they concede defeat. I smile. Time for me to get out there.
“Hello.” I look over. “I’m Larry Goldstein.”
“Edna Mazur.”
He flops down on the towels with me and smiles. “Where are you from, Edna?”
“Jersey.” I smile. They’re coming to me!
He nods. “And these boys?”
“Local.”
“Ah.” He looks at the RangeMen. “You men mind stripping? You’re making other beach goers nervous.”
“Mrs. Mazur is a client. We’re her bodyguard service.”
Larry looks at me. “Well at the moment, I don’t think anyone’s coming after this cutie except me. Whatcha doin’ for dinner?”
“I’m meeting with Manolo.”
Larry snorts. “He’s not your type. He’s not any woman’s type.”
I smile. “I know, but he seemed to like my bodyguards and I liked him. How’s tomorrow?”
“Sounds good.” He looks back at the RangeMen. “Guys, we are going to need you to strip down if you intend to stay.” He looks at me. “Coming back tomorrow?”
“Yup.”
He looks at the RangeMen. “You need to dress down. Otherwise you’ll have to leave and I don’t think your client is ready to.”
Larry slips me his phone number and gets up. I look over toward the RangeMen and grin. “Strip.”
They’re frozen for at least two minutes. Finally, jaw clenched, Antonio starts stripping. By the time he’s naked, I’m sincerely hoping Stephie marries Ranger if he looks anything like this. This one is impressive. I look at Jozen. He’s also stripped and is looking extremely uncomfortable but his penis is impressive too.
Too bad I need to prick their egos.
“See! It’s not so bad. Both of you look silly with your things dangling everywhere.” I peer at Antonio. “Well, that answers my question. I’d rather try sleeping with a real black man. Your penis looks like every other one I’ve ever seen.” I flop back on the towel. “I’m disappointed. I thought all black men were supposed to have big wangers.”
I lie back on my towel and ignore the choked sounds behind me. “By the way, Antonio, it’s almost time for me to reapply the sunblock.”
We stay at the beach until 7 p.m.
I have seven phone numbers. The boys have none.
Manolo walks over and stops in his tracks. The RangeMen are still naked and he’s staring. “Manolo!”
He snaps out of it and the RangeMen quickly throw on the cargoes. Manolo shakes his head and looks at me. “Dinner?”
“And dancing?” He smiles and I light up. “Sounds wonderful!”
Manolo takes my arm. “Well, what kind of dancing do you want to do?”
“The kind where I end up hot, sweaty, and in need of a defibrillator. So, pretty much anything!”
“Excellent! So, I’m thinking dinner at Calypso in Pompano Beach then the evening’s entertainment at Swinging Richard’s.”
“No.” I turn. Antonio’s face is red and angry. “Absolutely no fucking way I’m taking my client there.”
I look at him. “Too bad. That’s what we’re going to do.” I turn back to Manolo. “I need to freshen up. One hour at RangeMan?”
He looks over in delight. “You’re RangeMen?”
“Yes,” Jozen replies, his teeth grinding.
“I applied there last week. My background is in criminal justice and I was just discharged from the Navy.”
“How nice,” Antonio says tightly.
“I’ll tell my granddaughter.” Manolo looks at me, confused. “She’s Antonio’s boss’s boss. Or boss’s boss’s boss. I’m not sure. I just know she’s in charge. I’ll make sure she has your application reviewed.”
Manolo grins at me. “Then this really is my best day in a long time.”
“Mine too.”
I’m old but I’m not silly. Swinging Richards? Swinging Dicks. I wonder what kind of club this is.
When I reach the office, Henry is there, along with a man I know I’ve pinched. I smile at him.
“I remember you. From New York. Your accent is heavy.”
He laughs. “Yes, ma’am. I’m Mack. Good to see you again.” He turns around and winks at me over his shoulder. I laugh and pinch him. Henry blushes, shaking his head.
“Mrs. Mazur. Great to see you again.” He hugs me and I have to remind myself that he’s on the banned list. I look around. Well, he’s banned. The rest are open season.
Henry waves some men forward. “Everyone, this is Mrs. Edna Mazur, the CO’s maternal grandmother. Mrs. Mazur, this is Diego Garcia, Acting General Manager of the branch”—he steps forward and kisses my hand—”Thomas Williams, Liaison of RangeMan Miami, Patrick Cooper of RangeMan Boston, and the leadership of RangeMan Miami. Mario, Deuce, Braulio, Antonio—”
“We’ve had a fun afternoon, haven’t we, Antonio?”
He has a sickly smile on his face. “Yes, we have, Edna.”
“And Antonio and Jozen and I have a lot of fun lined up for tonight. We’re going to Swinging Richards!”
The Miami men all look over at them and immediately bite their lips trying not to laugh. Mack barks a laugh.
“Swinging Richards?”
“Yes! Do you know what kind of club that is?”
Mack smiles. “Nope, but yo, me and you, we’ll have breakfast and you can give me the scoop!”
I laugh. “Sounds great!” I liked this man when he visited. He kept looking at me as if he simply couldn’t believe I was feeling him up. He’s fun.
Henry is blushing. Nothing new there. “I can’t wait to hear about it myself. Now, this is Ryan, the company accountant and this is the wonderful Maria, the den mom of RangeMan Miami.”
Maria is smiling broadly. “Mrs. Mazur, welcome to Miami. Let me show you your apartment. I have it fresh and tidy for you. Are you hungry?” We move toward the elevators.
“Yes, but I have a hot date tonight. The boys struck out. I got seven numbers!”
I hear laughter the moment the elevators close. Maria puts a finger to her lips and we’re silent until we reach the apartment. She turns to me.
“Stephanie told me about your assignment.” She says, smiling. “What help do you need from me?”
“Not much. Not yet. I’ll let you know.”
Maria laughs. “Let me know.” She walks me through the visitor policies and unpacks my suitcase while I take a quick shower. She does my hair and helps me pull together a club appropriate outfit. It’s a denim skirt and a tie-dye wrap that she ties very cleverly. I look cute, like a 28-year-old in an 80-year-old body.
I head back downstairs and tell Diego about Manolo. He reminds me of Ranger: he barely blinks. I don’t tell him Manolo is gay, just that I’d run into a wonderfully polite young man at the beach who mentioned that he had applied to RangeMan. I want to see what he will do.
He waves me to his office, pulls the application and reviews it. “And you liked him?”
“Yes. Polite, well-mannered, and friendly.”
He nods and makes a notation.
“He’s gay.”
Diego looks at me and smiles. “Mrs. Mazur, the moment you mentioned you were headed to Swinging Richards, I assumed that your new friend, whoever he or she was, was gay. It’s a gay club.”
“What kind?”
“Strip club.”
I know my eyes are wide. “As in, naked men?”
He grins. “Need some singles?”
“Please!”
He laughs and calls someone. Soon after, I have a stack of $1 bills. “I’ll look cheap.”
“You’ll look like every new single female tourist who didn’t expect to end up at a strip club.”
“And I just happen to have a stack of singles?”
Diego raises an eyebrow. “Elderly.”
I want to get mad but I can’t. He’s right there. I’ll fit right in. “Manolo?”
“Might get hired.”
“Even though he’s gay.”
“RangeMan has gay employees. I don’t care who or what he screws in his downtime as long as he’s ready to work his shifts.” He passes me two cards. “The number to RangeMan, if anything happens, and a debit card, if you need more money.”
I smile. I’ll tell Stephie that this young man has integrity.
Diego was right. Swinging Richards is a male gay strip club. I’ve never seen so many penises in my life! I’m having a great time and I’ve started my ‘Oops, I thought that was your leg’ campaign with Antonio and Jozen. Manolo is having a great time and I’m out of singles to stuff in the boys’ armbands. I hate being cheap but being old isn’t for pussies.
I sip my drink and look around. This place is wonderful! I wish we’d had this when I was Stephanie’s age. Then again, they were still locking gay men up in those days. Oh well. I turn to Antonio.
“Why are you so unhappy? The men have been asking you to dance all night!”
Antonio’s going to ruin that beautiful smile. “I’m not a homosexual, Mrs. Mazur.”
“Well neither am I, but I’m dancing with all these handsome men! You should too. You too, Jozen! Quit looking so sour and have fun!”
I slide out of the booth and tug on Antonio’s arm. I can see he’s furious but I’m going to press my luck. “Come on, I see the beginnings of a conga line. If they get too frisky with you, I’ll protect you.” I frown. “You’ll have to give me a gun but I can do it.”
“No thank you,” he says stiffly. OK, young man. I was playing nice. Now I’m going to make it hurt. I wiggle my way out to the conga line and find Manolo. “May I borrow your phone?” He smiles and pulls it from the pockets of his incredibly tight jeans. I dial the number I memorized earlier.
“Forty-five minutes.” Click.
I smile at Manolo. “I’m done for the evening. You’re still willing to help?”
“Of course.” He kisses my cheek. “And thank you so much for getting my application reviewed.”
“No problem. Will you be at the beach tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll see you there.” I kiss his cheek and conga for another 30 minutes, occasionally waving to Antonio and Jozen, who are sitting there stone-faced. Eventually, I conga my way to the front door. Just as I begin fanning myself, Maria pulls up. I climb into her car and we leave.
“Enjoy yourself?”
I turn to her in amazement. “I’ve never seen that many penises in my life! And not a single man in there had any real body hair. Do they wax to get that smooth?”
Maria throws her head back and laughs. We head back to RangeMan Miami.
Poor Antonio and Jozen. Orders are orders.
Day Two
Maria walks in, all smiles, with our breakfast.
“The entire branch is in an uproar.”
I grin. “Why?”
“Because you’re ‘missing’.” She giggles.
“Uh oh.” I smile. “What’s happening?”
“Antonio and Jozen reported that you disappeared after going to join a conga line. They didn’t report you missing for three hours. Tank, Lester, and Bobby are furious but Hector? Hector has promised true retribution if they don’t find his ‘prank’ partner.”
I grin and wiggle in the seat.
“The boys are frantic. Diego demoted Antonio. Antonio tried to appeal, but Diego pointed out that his job is to protect the client and, as long as the client isn’t doing anything illegal or immoral, keep an eye on them at all times. If he’d really had a problem going to Swinging Richards, he should have gently and politely brought that up instead of trying to dictate to you. If that hadn’t worked, he should have called Diego for help.” Maria laughs. “Hal said something about ‘Three times and he still hasn’t gotten the point?'”
I finish my toast and sip my OJ. Maria’s a great cook and this is the best OJ I’ve ever had.
“Who knows where I am?”
“Hal and Diego. I had to tell them. I’ve never scrambled the cameras before and Diego caught it. The leadership, meaning Diego, Thomas, Mack, and Hal know. They agreed to play along, though. Also, you have a tracking device?” I slap my forehead. Damn! Forgot about that. Maria smiles. “Yes. So Hal knew you were OK. He had tracking for you changed over to his phone.”
I sit back and smile. Good. I really like Diego and Henry. They’re smart boys.
“They tell Stephie yet?” Stephie said she was going to be unavailable all weekend. ‘Offline’ she called it. Sniff. Without Henry with her? If Ramsay hadn’t told us Ranger was overseas, I’d assume she was getting some nookie.
Maria smiles. “They called. Her phone is off. They’re determined to find you before she returns. They did tell Hector and the company leadership, to ensure there wasn’t another panic. Everyone’s playing along.”
“They call Manolo?” She shakes her head. I smile.
These boys have lots of problems.
I get off the elevator at the 5th floor and run directly into Mack. “What’s going on?”
“We’re looking for—” he does a double take and collapses in a chair, relieved. “YOU!” I’m picked up and nearly crushed in a fierce hug.
“Old lady! Old lady! Brittle bones!”
He lets go and laughs. “Man, Mrs. Mazur, don’t scare us like that! Hector is threatenin’ to fuck everybody up if we don’t find you.”
I laugh and I’m quickly surrounded by the men of RangeMan Miami. Diego has a half smile on his face. “Mrs. Mazur, good to see you again. I see where Stephanie inherited her ability to ditch guards.”
I grin. “Some skills are worth passing down.” I wriggle my fingers at Antonio and Jozen, who are both pale and furious. “I told you that conga line looked like fun! I got in at Swinging Richards and got off at RangeMan Miami!” I frown. “That sentence didn’t come out right.”
Every man snorts and tries to hide a laugh. Henry takes my hand. “Perhaps we should call Hector now. He’s not a happy man.”
“Ha! I’ll bet he’s not. He thinks he’s sneakier than me.” I shake my head. “I’ve had more years to practice.”
Henry, laughing, dials Hector.
“You find her?”
“Got her.”
“Edna?”
“Hola, Hector!”
I can hear him snicker. “Tell her to park her old ass in a chair and stop giving everyone heart attacks.”
Thomas shakes his head, smiling, and turns to me. “Hector would prefer you to have a less active day today. What are your plans?”
The men around us are all smiling so I’m willing to bet that’s NOT what Hector said. “I wanna go back to the nude beach. I had fun there yesterday and I got seven numbers. Oh! Tell him where I went last night.”
Henry’s turned red. “She wants to go back to the nude beach today. She had fun and she picked up seven phone numbers. She had fun at Swinging Dicks last night.”
“For God’s sake, Hal, I don’t want to picture Edna at Swinging Dicks! Don’t ruin the place for me.” Lots of chuckling around me. “And I damn sure don’t want to think of her laid out at a nude beach.”
“Agreed, sir.”
“Who has Edna duty today?”
“I don’t know.”
“Get me a full schedule. Anyone else loses her and that’s their ass. I’m not explaining to my partner how and why we lost her grandmother.” Click.
I look around. The men are pale. I want to know what Hector said last. I turn to Mack and smile. “I’m sorry. We were supposed to have breakfast today but I found some food in my apartment.” I shrug. “Lunch?”
“Cool.” He and Diego share a look and Mack nods. “Yo, Mrs. Mazur—”
“Edna.”
He smiles. “Mack. Yo, since you got the Boss Lady’s moves, Imma make sure you got that protection.” He tucks my hand into his arm and starts moving to a room.
“I brought my own condoms.” I’m smiling and he stops and looks at me, grinning big.
“You and me? We gonna be ace kool.”
Mack does the job right. He asks me about what I want to do, where I want to go, and calls in Diego and Thomas to help me pick out places in Miami to visit. By the time he’s done, I have a full schedule for the next week. Larry calls.
“Edna?”
“Hi, Larry!”
“Hey cutie. Thought I’d get on your schedule before it starts filling up.”
“You’re a bit late, but my bodyguards are here with me. I think we can slot you in.” I look at Mack, who opens his folio again and waits. I coordinate dinner with Larry and Mack schedules my protection.
“OK, I’ll see you at 7 p.m.”
“OK. Look forward to seeing you at the beach, cutie.” Click.
I turn and look at Mack, who is smiling. “I thought I was big pimpin’ but you got the digits after a few hours on the beach. OK sexy!” I laugh. Henry is shaking his head and I’m ready for another day of torturing the boys.
Today is Ren and Etienne. They learned from Tony and Jozen’s mistakes. They won’t allow me out of their sight but they’re polite and professional. They don’t put up a fuss about stripping at the beach and they slather me in sunblock as I request.
Over the next few hours, I make friends with the majority of the gay men on the beach. I’m not fooled: They’re staring at the RangeMen, but these two are smarter; they have on dark sunglasses and are ignoring the admirers. I now have a full itinerary for the next week, as my new friends promise me dinner, dancing, and the best of Miami, as long as I bring my guards.
At noon, Mack shows to take me to lunch. “Yo, put the sausage away,” he says to Ren, who flips him off. “Edna, I’m feeling munchie. You got a fav?”
I shake my head. “This is my first trip to Miami.”
“Really?” His eyes are wide. “Well, in that case, you gotta have Dominican.”
“Bullshit!” Ren says. “Cuban!”
“Haitian,” Etienne says.
Mack and Ren look at him and flip a finger. “You automatically lose. We’re not eating voodoo shit.” Etienne flips them off, smiling good-naturedly, and we pile into the SUV. We stop in front of a Haitian restaurant.
Etienne drove and he’s smirking.
“You can talk shit when you have the keys.”
“Fucker,” Ren mutters. I’m laughing over these boys. They are who they are and they aren’t hiding it. Mack’s had me laughing non-stop since he joined us and Ren and Etienne are joking on each other.
We have a good time at the restaurant but I decide to change plans. “I’ve had a good time at the beach but I wanna go shopping.”
Mack sits back, smiling. “OK. Well, it’s time to switch the guard.” Ren and Etienne look at him and he nods to me. “She’s your client.”
“OK,” Ren says. “Mrs. Mazur, what do you wanna shop for?”
“Dildos. Lula’s getting married and I’m sure Tank’s a wonderful man, but every woman needs a substitute.” I’m looking through my purse for some money. “Normally I’d hit Pleasure Treasures at home.”
“Mwen pral fè pipi sou tèt mwen ri. Dildos? Vrèman?” (I’m gonna piss myself laughing. Dildos? Really?) Etienne says, smiling.
“Yes, dildos,” I reply. He looks at me. “I have no idea what you said but I recognize that word. So let’s go.”
Ren smiles. “We have to switch the guard but I’m coming along for this.”
Mack’s POV
I pull Ren back quick. “Yo, how’s it going?” Hector keeps calling. Edna is important to the Boss Lady, so he wants to make sure Edna doesn’t go missing ever again. Besides, he says he likes Edna. She really is his prank partner and he says she has a ‘unique’ sense of humor.
Hal said that if you can peep Edna, you can peep Steph. Edna is the Boss Lady in 50 years. So I’m treating Edna with kid gloves. Boss Lady loves her and I like her. She’s a dirty old lady and you don’t find many of those.
Ren shrugs. “The woman is a fag hag to nth degree.” I try not to smile. “Otherwise? She’s cool. Treat her right and she’s cool, a lot like the CO.”
I nod. Good. Ren will be retained. So far, if I was running shit, I’d shank Tony and Jozen. The concussion this morning was a gift. I really wanted to give him a reason to get his fucking jaw wired but I had to hold back.
The Boss Lady has disappeared, offline Diego says, but he said he knows where she is and she’s protected. Hal promised me, on a Bible, that she’s OK, so I stopped worrying. So, in between workin’ on my GED (Hal’s a fucking science expert! Finally! Someone who can explain this shit to me in a way I understand.), watching the men in Miami, and learning the strategist skills with Diggy and Pat, I didn’t expect to have much to do until the CO returned.
After Tony managed to lose Mrs. Mazur, I appointed myself her bodyguard for the weekend and, until the Boss Lady comes back and gives Diggy permission to replace Tony, I’m doin’ Tony’s job. I’m meeting with potential clients and hunting down contracts, trying to rebuild that department. Diggy said that he wants me to train whoever takes over. I’m the expert there, well, me and Thomas, and we can get that person up to speed faster than he could.
I settle in the SUV and laugh. I wonder if I get to count this in my numbers for the month.
Edna’s POV
We pick up Pepe and Gus and head out shopping. I have a blast. This place isn’t as classy as Pleasure Treasures but they make up for it by having plenty of stuff. I’m picking up cock rings, dildos, lube, and condoms.
I turn to Gus. “Do you think I’m buying the right sized cock rings and condoms for Tank? I wanna make a gift basket.”
Ren and Mack are red trying not to laugh. Gus and Pepe have looked sick ever since we picked them up. I felt them up. Not bad but I’m learning to expect better.
“Mrs. Mazur, I do not want to consider what any other man’s penis looks like, especially Tank’s.”
I look at Etienne, who laughs. “Mrs. Mazur, those are considered more ‘joke’ condoms. I’m gonna go out on a limb here, on behalf of black men everywhere, and say start with Trojan XL.” Mack laughs and they do one of those complicated hand moves.
“You’re black, Mack?” He doesn’t look black. Then again, I have trouble with anything darker than Italian.
“I’m black and Latino.” He grins. “No matter what, I swing hard!”
I laugh. Pepe, Gus, and Ren all flip them off.
I shrug and look at the sizes. The shop assistant walks over. “The biggest condom on the market is the Durex XXL, designed for a man with a shaft length of 9.5″ and a penile head of a little over 2.5″.” She smiles at me. “Your man is that well-endowed?”
I smile. “I have no idea. This is for a friend who is getting married to a big black man. Like 6’6″, 300 pounds of muscle. He’s no small man.” I turn and look at Mack. “Him,” I say, pointing at Mack, “with 6″ and 75 pounds.”
The shop assistant does a slow scan of Mack and wordlessly hands me the Durex condoms. “These should fit him then.”
Mack smiles and, nodding at me, steps off to speak to her.
I like Lula. She’s Stephie’s friend and she’s a lot of fun. She always likes having me come along with her and Stephie and sometimes she and I go out and have fun by ourselves. I’m happy she’s marrying Tank.
I’m also jealous. Tank feels like he has a huge package. I guess Lula’s more qualified than anyone else to handle that.
I buy about $200 worth of things for Lula using a combination of my money and the debit card. I know Lula likes toys and sexy things so I hope this helps her have some fun. We leave and I ask to go to a party store so I can pick up some things to make this basket really special.
We return to RangeMan with my new ‘treasures’ and I get started making my gift basket. I can’t figure out how to get all my new gifts into the basket and I’m getting frustrated.
Henry, Mack, Thomas, and Diego have been sitting with me, Gus, and Pepe watching me create my basket. They hand me my gifts but they’re enjoying this.
“Mrs. Mazur—” Thomas begins, but I cut him off.
“Edna, please.”
“Edna, I think you need a bigger basket.”
I sigh and sit down. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” I pick up the condoms. “I always thought Trojan had the biggest condoms.” I sigh and look at the boys. “I have three boxes of 36-pack Trojans upstairs. If I can’t get any use out of them, you want them?” I look at Henry. “I’ve seen your new girlfriend. You probably need them.”
Henry’s completely red but smiling. Diego, Thomas and Mack have turned deep red trying not to laugh.
“Sure, I’ll take them but don’t you have a hot date tonight? You might get some use out of them.”
I perk up. “That’s true. Time for me to get ready.”
I leave the room and head to the elevator but I don’t move fast enough to avoid hearing “I can’t believe you said that with a straight face.” Thomas.
Henry laughs. “If nothing else, Edna has taught Trenton that wrinkles don’t mean you aren’t still active. Edna’s active in everything. She has a dildo collection.”
I smile. I knew I liked Henry.
I’m looking around this place. I’m at a hookah bar.
Larry smiles and passes me another slice of pizza. “You ever smoke?”
“Yeah,” I reply. “When I was younger.” It was what you did. Have kids, stay home, smoke like a chimney. Quitting was the hardest thing I ever did.
He nods at the look on my face. “Tough?”
“I thought I’d strangle my husband and daughter.”
He laughs and shows me how it works. He picked a ‘flavor’, Red Venom, and filled the bong looking thing. We ordered dinner and I’m enjoying this so far.
Gus and Pepe haven’t. They look bored.
“So, here’s your mouthpiece. You smoked so you should be able to figure that part out.”
He helps me get the mouthpiece in and I take a drag.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph . . . it’s been sooooo long. Cherry flavored tobacco.
Within minutes, we’re puffing away. Dinner starts arriving, shish kebabs, pizzas, lentil soup, and lots of Vodka Collins for him. I’m drinking a decent Pinot Noir and we’re chatting. I’m having lots of fun. The belly dancer comes over and pulls me to my feet. I’m smashed between two of them and I wiggle my hips, which makes the one behind me laugh. She puts her hands on my hips and helps me wiggle my hips seductively.
Larry’s eyes have glazed over.
The effect of the hookah, wine, food, and warm temperature is taking a toll on me. I recognize that I’m sleepy and getting aroused. Larry’s starting to look better and better. I stumble back over to my place on the couch, smoke a little more, and smile at Larry.
“Ready to leave?”
I nod. Yeah, I’m ready for anything.
I wake and sit straight up. Larry is in a bathrobe and smiling. “Hey, cutie.”
I blink and look down. I’m in my bra and panties. This is embarrassing. I’m 70, not 20! Worse, my bra and panties have smiley faces on them.
I look over at him. “Um …”
He laughs. “You were an animal. I barely had time to get the condom on. I have scratch marks on my back.” I’m red, embarrassed, and he smiles. “No, I’m teasing. You were a complete lady. You fell asleep shortly after we arrived here.”
“Oh thank god,” I breathe. I see my cell phone ringing. I pick it up.
“Edna?”
“Good morning, Mack.” I shake my head.
“You boss ballin’ Edna! Do we need to, umm . . . provide you with a convenient excuse?”
“Nope, I’m fine,” I reply. “Where are my guards?”
Mack chuckles. “Downstairs. They posted all night. They ready when you ready to dip.”
“Thanks!” Click. I look at Larry. “I’m in no hurry.”
“Great,” he says, reaching for me. My eyes widen and he smiles and drops the bathrobe. No colostomy bag. Just lots of tanned skin. “I prefer my partners are awake.”
“Need to brush,” I reply, standing.
“I’ll wait.”
He waited. It was worth the wait!
Stephie said she’d be back by tonight. I’m glad but I’m enjoying myself.
“Mrs. Mazur, I’m pretty sure paragliding falls under the CO’s definition of things that would harm you.”
I’m glaring at my new guards. Cent and Jojo. “I’m not paragliding. I’m riding along. Larry’s experienced at this.”
They nod. “Yes, ma’am, but still, that’s a health risk,” Jojo says. He sighs. “Fine. We won’t argue anymore if Hector says OK.”
I stare at him. “Hector’s not the boss of me.”
Cent smiles. “Yeah, but he can beat our asses. If given a choice between you and him, he’s scarier.”
I scowl but wave for them to call. They chat for a moment and Hector must give them permission because Cent smiles. “OK, you can hang glide and we won’t die.” He turns to Larry. “We’re going to check to make sure she’s firmly harnessed to you before you take off.”
“I’m not an amateur, young man.”
Cent smiles. “Understood, sir, but I was a paratrooper.” He smiles at me. “You got lucky. I’m the man with experience in tandem harnessing. I fought to allow this. Hector’s original answer was, and I quote, ‘Hell fucking no!’ “
I laugh and pat his arm. Larry and I are harnessed, Cent checks and gives it the thumbs up, and we take to the skies.
We go up twice and I have fun. We land and, as Larry’s pulling the harness off, he asks, “Are you going to be at the beach tomorrow?”
“Yup. Why?”
He smiles. “Can’t wait to see you again.”
I smile. “Well, I have a full schedule but I think I can free up my days to sunbathe with you.”
“Good,” he says, smiling. He kisses me on the cheeks and I wave as I leave. I hop in the SUV and take a nap during the short trip back to RangeMan Miami.
“Grandma!” Stephie’s in front of me, looking worried. I yawn and stretch.
“Stephie!” She pats my shoulder and we head in. “I’ve had a great time.”
“How many different bodyguards did you have?”
I count quickly. “Well, Antonio, Jozen, Cent, and Jojo”—I point behind me and they wave—”Gus and Pepe and Ren and Etienne.”
She nods. “And?”
“I like Diego. He’s a good young man, with integrity.” She nods, smiling. “I like Mack too. He has a good sense of humor. And Henry watched out for me.” I look at her. “Hector threatened everyone when they lost me.”
Stephie’s smile falls. “They lost you?” she asks quietly. I can see she’s mad but I nod.
“Well, not so much lost as I managed to get away.”
“Who lost you?”
“Antonio and Jozen. They didn’t enjoy their time at Swinging Dicks.”
Stephie closes her eyes. “I don’t want to know what kind of place that is. OK, I want the details of your weekend tonight over breakfast. Sounds good?”
“Sounds good, Stephie. Do I still get to do what I want for the rest of the week?”
She smiles. “You get to do whatever you want until I leave Miami.”
I smile. Baby granddaughter comes through for me again! “Well, I think I’ll go play bingo tonight.”
“Have fun.”
We walk into the building and Stephie and I have dinner in my apartment with Maria and Rafe. Rafe is a very handsome man. If I were ten years younger . . . I sigh. I’d still be ten years too old for him. Besides, he clearly adores Maria and she likes him a lot.
Dinner is excellent and as Stephie and Maria help me get dressed, I smile at Maria. “He likes you.”
She blushes. “I like him.”
“Good. Don’t spend forever trying to make a decision though. Life’s short.” I look my outfit in the mirror. Old lady chic. A velour jumpsuit, leopard tank top, and high top sneakers. I look at Maria. “The older you get, the shorter it gets. I’m trying to cram a lifetime of things I always wanted to do into the years I have left.”
I pick up my purse and head downstairs. Time to torture the boys.
My new bodyguards are Luke and Mario F. They look apprehensive.
“Mrs. Mazur, we heard you want to go to the bingo hall.”
“Yup! What the best one?”
They look at each other. “Well, the best one is Seminole. It’s a casino.”
My eyes widen. “Call Stephie for me.”
Mario dials. “Yo, CO?”
“Yes?”
“Your grandmother would like to speak to you.”
“OK.”
They hand me the phone. “Stephie?”
“Yes, Grandma?”
“How much money is on this debit card?”
“$1,000. You need more?”
$1,000? I’m wondering if I’ll be able to spend this! “Nope, I’m fine.”
“Have fun.” Click.
Stephie and I are talking about her phone manners tomorrow over breakfast.
We head off to the casino and I quickly buy $200 worth of cards. I sit down and that’s the first problem.
“That’s my seat.” I look up. Some old biddy is looking at me like she’d like to hurt me. My age, dirty blond hair, brown eyes, skin like leather. She doesn’t look as if she worships the sun. She looks as if she’s spent some time there. I eye her sun visor and sunglasses. We’re indoors. Why does she need a sun visor?
“Says who?”
“That’s always my seat.”
“It’s not tonight.” I turn around and I feel a gush of air next to my head. I look around and Luke is holding the other woman’s cards. Casino security quickly steps over.
“Hello, Doris. Welcome back.”
“Make this old whore move.”
I look at her. How rude! The casino security man looks at me, but before he can say a word I reply.
“I’m not moving. I didn’t see her name chiseled on the seat of this chair when I sat down and if she tries to hit me again, I’m telling my RangeMen to move her to the other side of the room.”
The security man looks at the RangeMen sharply. “RangeMen?” Luke and Mario flash their badges and the security man’s shoulders slump. He turns to Doris. “You’ll have to sit somewhere else this time Doris. I’m not taking on RangeMen.”
Doris is outraged. “I’m a loyal customer of this casino! I’ve been coming here for years and you’re telling me that this flash in the pan means more than me?!”
“Nope.” He sighs. “I’m telling you that I’m not taking on her security team. I don’t know who she is, but I know that if she has RangeMan protection, she’s important. I don’t make enough to lose my life for your $200 in bingo cards. Besides, if you hit a jackpot, you wouldn’t share that with my widow and kids, would you? I have to be smart about this.”
The RangeMen and I are smirking. I turn back around, uncap my dauber and get ready for the caller.
“B 25.”
I see why Doris was angry. This is the hot seat! I’ve won three bingos sitting here. Mario explains that they’re progressive pots, meaning that the longer I sit, the bigger the pots get. I’ve won $14,000 so far, so I splurge and order snacks for all three of us.
Unfortunately, I’m old and my bladder isn’t the best. I turn to Mario. “I have to use the restroom.”
I hear snickers behind me and I turn. A woman is smiling at me. She’s my age too, with silver hair and tasteful makeup to complement her blue eyes and red hair. “Newbie to Miami bingo?” I nod. “Honey, rule one: everyone is wearing Depends in here. No one leaves their cards. Doris is dying to get her seat back, especially since it’s been hot for you tonight.”
I look over. Doris is glaring at me. I look at my guards. “One of you comes with me. The other guards my seat from that ‘old whore’.”
The men smile. Mario agrees to accompany me and Luke sits in my seat. We head to the restroom and I use it quick. We head back and Luke is being hit by Doris. She attempts to hit him again and he decides he’s had enough. He slaps a handcuff on one wrist and she stares at it, stunned. She tries to hit him with the other hand and he slaps another pair of handcuffs on that hand. He quickly takes the remaining two handcuffs and locks them together, then smirks at her.
The entire bingo hall breaks into applause. Luke stands, takes a quick bow, then picks Doris up around the waist and escorts her from the room. I wave my fingers at her as she passes, screaming “Police Brutality! Police Brutality!”
I return to my seat and the woman behind me smiles. “I’m Louisa and I’m thrilled to meet you, honey! What’s your name?”
“Edna.” We shake and I sit and turn around to look at her. She shakes her head.
“Doris is a menace to everyone here. Her seat is every damn seat in the room. It’s wonderful to watch her get her comeuppance finally!” She smiles.
“That’s because Doris has been here since the beginning,” the woman next to me says. She’s glaring at me and Louisa. “Women like me and Doris deserve respect. We keep this casino alive.”
“And I’m sure they’re grateful,” I reply, “but like I told Doris, I don’t see her name carved into this chair and I don’t see your name carved into that one. A chair’s a chair.”
“It’s more than that. It’s the luck of the draw, the—”
“Oh please.” I roll my eyes. “My husband was a gambler. I’ve heard every excuse in the book and I still don’t care. The odds are in the casino’s favor. The house always wins.”
She sniffs. “You can say that sitting in Doris’s seat.”
I shrug. “Fine. Switch seats with me.” We switch and I get comfortable with my cards in my new seat.
I uncap my dauber and look up to the caller.
“N63.”
Two bingos later, Miss ‘Luck of the Draw’ wants her seat back.
“No.”
She flags down security. “I want my seat back.”
The security guard sighs. “I’m not getting involved,” he mutters and walks off. Again the RangeMen and I smirk.
Next thing I know, I’m being tipped out of my seat, but Mario catches me. Luke grabs my chair as Miss Draw tries to pull it from under my butt.
“Gimme my chair back.”
The RangeMen look at me. “Nope. I’m holding on.” Luke tugs the chair from her and she goes flying and hits the ground. We all wince. He didn’t tug hard but I guess she doesn’t have a lot of strength.
Now everyone is looking at us. Luke places me back in the seat then goes over to Miss Draw and helps her up. “My apologies, ma’am, but I cannot allow my client to get—”
She belts him in the stomach and there’s widespread booing and hissing. Luke sighs, picks her up, and escorts her form the bingo hall.
The room breaks out into applause.
I leave the bingo hall that night with $32,000. I’m thrilled.
“How do we get my winnings home?”
Mario is staring at me. “Um … I’m not sure. Let’s go check.” We head to the central office, where they make me fill out paperwork (I have to pay taxes on my winnings?! Damn!), then they cut me a check for $32,000 smackaroos!
I’m excited and I call Stephie.
“Stephie! Guess what?”
“What, Grandma?” She sounds sleepy.
“I won $32,000!”
“What?” She’s awake now.
“Yeah! I won $32,000 at bingo tonight!”
Stephie laughs and my guards chuckle quietly. “We’ll talk over breakfast, grandma. Congrats!”
“Thanks.” Click.
I lean my head back and smile. We’re close to RangeMan when I hear the guards whisper to each other.
“I stopped an old folks fight at the bingo hall tonight. Do I pretend it never happened or brag about it?”
“Pretend it never happened, muchacho. Pretend it never happened.”
