I Live in His Shadow
“Being his real brother I could feel I live in his shadows . . . “
Les’s POV—Age 6
“It’s easy, Ric. I’ll sneak in and put the forks in the fridge. Then I’ll grab the flan from the countertop and come back here. You go grab Kool-Aid for both of us and get the forks from the fridge and come back.”
Ric is looking at me in confusion. “And this will work because?”
“Because Papa comes home every day at 5 :00. Mamí and Abuela will be more interested in talking to him than paying attention to us . The flan will be ours. All they’ll remember is that we both got something from the fridge.”
“Dinner’s at 6 :00,” Ric points out. “We could just wait until then.”
“Less flan for both of us.” I glare at him. “Only this time, no confessing!” Last time, Ric confessed we stole dessert. I couldn’t sit comfortably for a week and I didn’t get any dessert for a month.
I see Ric consider this. Flan is our weakness and it’s honestly the only bribe I have to get Ric to play along with me sometimes. He’ll do nearly anything for flan.
Finally he nods. “OK, I’m in.”
At 4:55, I go to the kitchen and grin at Abuela. “Abuela, do you have something good for me?”
She laughs, tweaking my nose. “I might. You like flan?”
“I love flan!” I do a little dance and my mom, my tía Maria and my abuelas laugh. “Are we having flan for dinner?”
“No, we’re having ropa vieja for dinner. Flan for dessert. Can you wait that long?”
I sigh exaggeratedly. “Noooooo!” They laugh. “I want flan now.”
“Well,” Tía Maria says, “perhaps if you’re a very good boy, and patient, we’ll give you a bigger piece after dinner.”
Papa and tío Ric both step through the kitchen door smiling. While they all say hello and talk, I quickly move the flan to the fridge, stash the forks inside, then move with the flan out of the kitchen into the dining room. I quickly break for the front door, down the steps and around the corner to my secret hideout. Ric’s eyes widen when he sees me with the flan.
“You got it,” he breathes, surprised.
“Of course I did,” I reply smugly. “Your dad came home with mine. Go say hello and get the forks and Kool-Aid.”
He takes off for the house and I settle back in my personal corner of the shed that I call my secret hideout. Within minutes, Ric’s back with the forks. We dig in and we’re soon stuffed and happy. We debate who makes better flan, my abuela or his, before deciding it doesn’t matter. We have flan, a warm sunny day, and each other. That makes life good.
This is how we spend summers. I live in Elizabeth, Ric in Newark, and we spend weekends and summers together. Usually it’s Ric’s job to come up with the idea and my job to come up with the plan. We execute together. The neighbors never catch us and we have fun all summer. The entire neighborhood is my playground and Ric is my cousin and best friend. Alex, Ric’s brother, is at football practice. He’s eight years older than us and starting high school in the fall.
Our only enemies are ‘the sisters’, Ric’s sisters and my cousins: Celia, Ana, and Sophia. They kill all fun all the time.
Right before dinner, I smuggle the pie plate back into the house and stash it in the dishwasher. Ric and I wash our hands and sit down to dinner. We pick at dinner, not really hungry. Mamí notices.
“Les? Ric? You boys should be very hungry after running around all day,” she says quietly.
“Yes, Mamí, but we drank a lot of Kool-Aid right before dinner.” I pat my stomach and smile, making sure she can see my Kool-Aid stained teeth. “I’m full.”
“Well, in that case, you don’t have room for flan,” Abuelo says, frowning.
My eyes widen. “I always have room for flan,” I reply, shoving my dinner into my mouth. The adults laugh and I peek at Ric. He’s smiling and shaking his head. His sisters, Celia, Ana, and Sofia, are eating dainty and shaking their heads at us.
Finally dinner is over and Abuela goes into the kitchen to get the flan. I see Ric look at me and smile. Abuela returns. “The flan is gone.”
The adults look over in confusion. “Leonor,” Abuela Rosa says slowly, “The flan was on the counter.”
“I’m not blind, Rosa. It’s not there anymore. It’s not on the counter, it’s not in the fridge, it’s not in the kitchen.”
Abuela Rosa gets up and they return to the kitchen. They return with the empty pie plate. They stare at all of us but Ric and I look innocent, so they look at the sisters. “Celia, how did this happen?”
Celia looks scared and upset. “I didn’t eat it, abuela! I promise.”
“You and Ana were the only ones in the kitchen when we weren’t there. Who else could have taken it?”
Celia and Ana burst into tears. Sofia and Alex are confused. I look over. Ric is twitching. He’s going to confess. I sigh and prepare to put on two pairs of undies tonight. Maybe the spanking won’t hurt so much if I do that.
“I stole it,” Ric says quietly. The adults look at him in astonishment.
“You stole our flan?” Tío Rico asks. Ric nods.
“Impossible,” Abuela Rosa says. “I watched you. You left with Kool-Aid.”
Ric fidgets but he won’t look at me. Tío Rico looks at me and at the adults. I see Papa look at me hard and I sigh.
“No, I stole the flan. Ric just got the forks.” Ric glares at me but I shake my head.
“How?!” Mamí says in confusion. “You couldn’t have. Everyone was in the kitchen when you were there.”
Papa laughs. “If there’s a way, Lester will find it.” He looks at me hard. “No lying, Lester. Did you truly steal the flan?” I nod. “I assumed as much. If Ric did something, you’re right there with him. Whose plan was it? Yours?” I nod and my father smiles, shaking his head.
Everyone else has ice cream for dinner. Ric and I wash the dishes. Ric says nothing, just smiles and shakes his head at me. I’m still steaming.
Papa whips me this time and I’m grounded for three months . I overhear Mamí crying that she has a thief for a son. Papa laughs. “Be thankful, querida. He’s learning to create and execute a plan. We’ll either have a master criminal or a Wall Street bond trader.” Papa laughs and Mamí curses him and says I’m no Milken and I’m not to spend any more time with Ric.
Papa really laughs at that. “Querida, Les and Ric are one devious boy in two bodies. You can’t tear those two apart. Besides, Ric’s a good influence on Les.”
“How?” My mother sounds mystified.
“Would Les have ever confessed if Ric had not first?” Mamí sighs. “Exactly. Ric is the moral backbone of those two. Allow them to stick together. Ric will teach Les to consider all the consequences of his actions because Ric will always take responsibility when he’s done wrong.”
I make a promise: No more plans with Ric that might require him to confess. He’s too honest to be sneaky.
Age 13
“This court accepts Mr. Mañoso’s plea of no contest to the charge which, if committed by an adult, would be entered as a charge of grand theft auto, fourth degree. The disposition of this case will be as follows: Ricardo Mañoso, I am ordering you to a period of confinement in the Essex County Juvenile Detention Center for a period of no less than six months, including time served, and supervised probation for a total of six months.” The judge stares at Ric. “Mr. Mañoso, do you have any questions?”
Ric, pale and swallowing hard, shakes his head. The bailiff appears next to Ric and takes him by the arm. Ric says something to him and he waits. Ric turns, scans the court, looking at all of us, the entire family in tears, and spots me. He jerks his head over to me. I stand and jog over quickly.
“Tomas.” Ric looks at me, black eyes blazing, and I nod.
Tomas is going down. I’ll pull out my most devious plan against him.
Four months without Ric to go.
Papa only asked two question when Ric was caught.
“Why did he join?”
I stared at Papa. “Celia, Ana, and Sofia. They spend more time trying to control him than leaving him alone. He joined to get out of the house and have someone to hang with. Alex is in college. He doesn’t want his scrawny little brother and cousin chasing after him all the time.”
“Why didn’t you join?”
I shake my head. “Just me. I have run of the house and only you and Mamí to tell me what to do. I can get into trouble in the house.”
Papa smirked. “You stay grounded.” We laugh but I’m so hurt that Ric’s in jail. No matter how devious I’ve been, if Ric goes down, so do I. Tomas left him out there hanging. I’ll never forgive him for that.
I ask to spend some time at Tía Maria’s and Tío Rico’s. My parents are confused by the request but I tell them I want to spend some time in Ric’s room. He often spent time with us so it’s not a completely weird request.
My parents help me pack and I leave our house in Elizabeth and move to Newark for the summer. Celia and Ana decide, my first day, to lecture me on what I can and cannot do. I look at them and shoot a bird.
“All your advice did was run Ric from the house. He was so miserable being around you two, and Sofia, that he’d do anything to get away. You want to encourage me to be a gangbanger? Keep talking and trying to order me around.”
They’re shocked and I slam the door in their faces. When I come out, they refuse to speak to me. Good. Tía Maria is happy to have me and I do Ric’s chores, listen to his music, and play his PlayStation. On the surface, I’m Ric, although everyone watches me carefully. I finally tell Tía Maria and Tío Rico that if I wanted to be a gangbanger, I could join the Reyes in Elizabeth. I’m not interested. I just want to be in Ric’s space over the summer. If I can’t have him, I’ll take the closest substitute.
They smile, shaky, and the close surveillance ends.
At nights, I spy on Tomas. He’s laughing and bragging about the fact that Ric’s in juvie and he’s out and free. I’m furious. I’m gonna make this hurt.
I wait until he’s alone, and my eyes widen.
Tomas is gay. He’s jerking to gay porn on his computer. I’m shocked. I take the pictures anyway, but I get the feeling I’ll need to use something else. Ric wouldn’t do this. Ric would do something else. I’d hold that against him, but Ric wouldn’t and I’m delivering this payback on Ric’s behalf.
I keep watching and I see that Tomas is in a race with another Reyes to move up in the gang. It’s based on his ability to ‘produce’, which I think means sell drugs. I’m thinking about this. If I ensure he gets caught with a significant amount of drugs, that’ll put his butt in jail for up to four years, depending on how he’s sentenced.
I’ve learned a lot about juvie justice, including the fact that the judge went hard on Ric. Scared straight crap, I’m guessing.
Then I learn Tomas is 18. I know nothing of adult guidelines. Crap. I start reading but my eyes cross. I’m trying to figure out how to get him caught and sentenced for a year. Eye for an eye.
So I start pilfering his stash. In order to ensure he’s not caught with it when the cops roll by, each banger has a designated hiding spot. When the cops cruise by, I steal Tomas’s stash and go hide it. He’s in a panic because he’s losing drugs and now he’s in trouble within the gang because he’s not producing.
The other Reyes moves up in the hierarchy and Tomas is given a vicious beating. He’s lost over $2500 in product. I’m still stuck on how to get him a year in jail, like Ric.
Mid-July, there’s a knock at the door and someone asks to speak to me. I walk out. I recognize this Reyes. The guy Tomas was in the race with. Rogelio. He’s about 18 and he and Ric look pretty similar but he’s six foot with dark eyes, dark skin and a long ponytail. He’s dressed in black jeans and a yellow button-down with a white T-shirt underneath. Clearly sporting Reyes colors but also dressed in a way that makes him look like a well-dressed young man, if anyone asks. No obvious tats.
Rogelio is smart. Everything about him is designed to throw you off. He’s not a hood, throwing up signs and yelling all the time. He’s low key. We bump fists and he nods for me to follow him. I wave at the family, who are watching carefully and wide-eyed, and walk off with him. He says nothing at first.
“You’re Ric’s cousin.” I nod and he smiles. “He said you’d never join. I assume that’s still true.” I nod again and he gives a short laugh. “Your cousin was slick. Smart. He was betrayed. That was the only reason he was arrested. Tomas betrayed his ass and I’m the only man, besides you, who knows. I assume you keep stealing his stash because you’re setting him up for a fall?”
I stop dead in my tracks and stare at him. He smiles and waves for me to keep walking. I notice that we’re just walking around the block and he has men posted everywhere. “I pay attention. The fact that his numbers started falling led me to ask my men to watch his ass. They saw you once. Just once and I put everything together. You’re as slick as Ric but Ric rarely said anything about you, except that he had a cousin more brilliant than him. That’s how I knew who you must be.” We finally stop walking and he turns to me. “What’s your plan?”
“Why should I trust you?”
He smiles. “You’re good. Smart. Never trust anyone with your back that you don’t know.” I nod. “OK, I’ll give you what you need to know. I’m being transferred to Miami. They need someone strong down there and your fucking Tomas up tipped the scales to me. I believe in karma. It bit Tomas in the ass. He betrayed a loyal man, a young man, with all the potential in the world. If I know men like I think I know men, your cousin will never return to us.”
I nod emphatically. Ric’s made that clear.
Rogelio sighs. “Fuck. I wanted him as my second. He was fucking brilliant, even as young as he is. Anyway, be careful of karma. Your plan? Any way you could be harmed in it?”
“He’ll get everything back,” I reply.
Rogelio grins. “And the police will find out?”
“I believe in karma, poetic justice, whatever you want to call it.”
Rogelio laughs silently. “Fuck! Nice job.” He looks at me, smiling. “Ric’s right. You are brilliant. What do you plan to do after high school?”
I shrug. “No idea.”
“Go to the military.” I raise an eyebrow and he nods. “The military needs men like you and Ric. Loyal, brilliant fuckers. The military will hone your skills.” He smiles. “Now, for Tomas, don’t take him out of the game. Make sure that when he’s arrested he has less than 500 grams on him if it’s powder. Less than five grams if it’s crack, which is really one or two envelopes. That will get him at least five years. Need a scale?”
I shake my head. I know Tía Maria has a scale. She’s always on a diet.
“Good. And make sure you wear gloves. If you really want to set him up and keep yourself out of it, make sure you wear gloves when you put the product in a new baggie. Keep your fingerprints off everything.” I look at him wide-eyed. I’m glad he told me. I forgot about fingerprints. He shakes my hand. “Nice to meet you, Lester. Tell Ric that if he needs me, he knows how to get in touch.” He turns to walk off.
“Question?” He turns around. “You know I’m about to set him up and you’re not stopping me. Why?”
Rogelio drops all smiles and returns to me. “Because the fucker has no loyalty. He knew Ric was young and still learning all the rules and instead of watching out for a loyal man like he should have, he let him take the fall. Even if he didn’t stand up for Ric, he should have muddied the waters for him to help Ric get out of it.
No man under me has ever served time, which is why all my men are loyal. I was working on getting your cousin into my crew when he was caught. I needed an Andretti and he’s the best.” He stares at me. “Because of Tomas’s shit actions, Ric will leave us, never to return. So we lost a good man, a future leader in this gang, for no fucking reason. Worst, we lost you.”
“I never would have joined.”
Rogelio smiles, clearly amused. “Yes, you would have. Your cousin means the world to you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be crawling around gang territory trying to set up a relatively powerful banger for a fall. You’d do anything for Ric. If joining this gang had been what he required of you, you would have joined.”
I don’t want to think about that. I want to believe nothing on earth would have convinced me to join.
“Tomas is gay.”
Rogelio stares at me. “I know.”
He doesn’t say it, and neither do I, but we both nod: Tomas came onto Ric and Ric rejected him, which is why he left Ric out there.
I return to the house and tía Maria sighs in relief. “You OK?”
I nod. “I knew who he was when I left. He just wanted an update on Ric.” Her jaw tightens and I shake my head. “He knows Ric’s not returning to the gang. He wanted to know that Ric’s OK and he wanted to tell me to be on my guard. They know who I am and they’re interested. I told him I’m not interested in no uncertain terms.”
Tía Maria sighs deeply and hugs me tight. “Yes, please don’t get involved in gangs, Lester.” She kisses my forehead.
“Tía?”
“Yes?” She smiles at me.
“Can I make a suggestion?”
“Of course, niño. What is it?”
“When Ric comes home, don’t allow him to be badgered by his sisters. That’s why he joined. To get away from them. If I didn’t stay holed up in Ric’s room all the time, they’d spend all their time trying to tell me what to do.”
Tía Maria stares at me but I hold her gaze. Finally, she nods. “I’ll discuss that with your tio, dear. Now wash up. Dinnertime.”
A week later, Tomas is arrested at his home with 400 grams of powder cocaine. It took everything I had to ensure he wasn’t arrested with the entire stash. The cops found it in the doghouse in the back of his mom’s house. Tomas was stunned and wondering who betrayed him. After he was picked up, I sent a message asking Rogelio to contact me. He dropped by the house, I told him where the rest of the stash was, and we nodded at each other.
I tell Ric that everything has been taken care of during our weekly visit, my last one for the summer. He smiles, the first time the entire visit. I look at him. He’s losing weight and is clearly miserable but philosophical. I whisper, “Rogelio’s going to Miami. He said we should both join the military.”
He nods and the ‘sisters’ want to know what we’re talking about.
“None of your business,” I reply.
The rest of the family fills Ric in on everything going on and Ric pays attention, but he’s not really there in the moment. Finally, during our last few minutes, he looks at me.
“Don’t join.”
“I won’t.”
He nods. “Rogelio’s a good guy.”
I smile. “Yeah.”
He finally smiles a true Ric smile. “I wanted in his crew. He reminded me of you.”
I laugh. “Funny. He told me I reminded him of you. And, honestly, he reminded me of you.”
Two months later
Ric returns home and everyone is lecturing him to death during our first family dinner. I finally stand and walk over in front of my primo, protecting him from our entire family.
“Stop!” I yell. Every adult is shocked but I’m willing to take all the punishment and whippings they want to give. “Stop,” I repeat quietly. “He did his time. He had six months to think about it. He’s done with the gang, right?” I turn to him and he nods, a small smile on his face. “OK, so stop yelling at him all the time. Let it go. Besides, we all know Ric’s too fucking honest to be a banger.”
I’m grounded for cursing, but next time Ric and I meet he hugs me tight.
“Thanks.”
“No prob.”
“They lay off?”
He snorts. “Everyone except my sisters.”
I thought so. I’ll make their lives miserable if they don’t stop.
“Tomas?”
I smile cruelly. “Five years.”
Ric laughs and I smile.
Tomas messed with mi familia. I’ll fuck with him periodically until he dies.
I’m not Ric. I don’t let anything go.
Ric moves to Miami a few weeks later. I’m depressed and Papa is worried.
“Les?”
I look over. Papa takes a seat at my desk. “What’s wrong?”
I stare at the TV for a long time. “I always expected to go through high school with Ric. School starts next week and he’s in Miami.” I clench my jaw, furious. “I’m alone. My best friend is gone.” I’m ignoring the tears dripping down my face.
Papa sits on my bed and rubs my back as I cry silently. I never realized, until he was gone, how big a part of my life Ric was. We weren’t cousins. We’re brothers and I miss him.
“I know it hurts, son, but this could be good for you too.” I look at Papa, who smiles. “Here in Newark, you were always going to be measured against Ric. If he joined the football team, they would look for you to do the same. If he made perfect grades, they would look for you to do the same. Now you two will shine separately. Show Ric who you are apart from him.”
I enter high school determined to succeed. So does Ric and the contest continues. I become a chess champ. So does Ric, although I’m better. Ric plays football so I play basketball. Ric wrestles and I join the band. We both letter, we’re both Homecoming King, we’re both Prom King. We talk to each other once a week, by phone, and we brag on what we’re doing.
It’s just that I always do things a year later. Papa and Ric understand I’m not competing against Ric but the rest of the family doesn’t quite get that. They compare us and I’m tired of being on the losing side.
I love mi primo, my brother. I’m just tired of being in Ric’s shadow.
Age 18
“Maria can’t believe it! Ric’s gotten some poor girl pregnant. He married her, to make sure the baby has his name and Army benefits, but Christ!”
Mamí and Papá are discussing Ric’s latest debacle as I’m packing to leave for college. I’m tempted to call mi primo and offer my services. He’s gotten much better at being sneaky over the years so I wonder what it was this time. Condoms? No, Ric loves condoms. I’m betting condom failure, which means that this one really isn’t his fault.
“Well, at least we don’t have to worry about that from Les,” Papa says.
“He’s not having sex,” Mamí says, confused. I smirk and I’m sure Papa is smirking too. “He better not be having sex! I’ll kill him if he is.”
“Then prepare to bury your son, querida. The boy’s only weekly expenses are gas and condoms.” I look up, startled. How does Papa know that? “He’s a Santos. The girls flock to him, as you did to me.” I make gagging noises silently. “Be thankful he’s prepared and responsible. I doubt Les ever presents us with a son before he’s ready.”
Got that right, Papa. Too many women in the world and they’re all beautiful. I love women. They’re each so different, so interesting, that I can’t see myself choosing just one. What if I find another more interesting later on? Nah, right now I’d just like to meet them all.
And, if they’re interested in being intimate, I’ve no problems with that. Naked women are the most interesting of all. A naked woman is the most vulnerable creature on earth and the fact that she’s allowing me that intimacy, that part of her she normally keeps buttoned up, covered and hidden . . . well, that’s something to be treasured and explored.
Slowly. All night. I hate quickies.
I’ve learned that men who treat time with women as a special gift usually find themselves with a naked woman quickly enough. A man who treats time with a naked woman as a gift finds himself welcomed back whenever she’s willing. I’m not a stupid man, I hope.
I make sure I have plenty of condoms. Babies are not in my game plan.
I loved having Ric in New Brunswick when he decided to go to Rutgers. Ric was the man. Women flocked to him as if he had a magnet in his pants and I’m not ashamed to admit I took the unhappy women who didn’t capture his attention. I usually ended up with the women who did get his attention later because Ric’s attention span is short. Mine is too but these were college women. I was 17 and getting laid by women 2-3 years older than me. I was thrilled.
Ric was into everything and I was right there with him, but he wouldn’t let me slack in my studies. He would pick me up on the weekends and I’d stay with him in his dorm room. Friday night I would finish my homework and we’d make a plan. Dinner, dancing at the hottest clubs, and women. No drinking or drugs. He was adamant about that.
Drinking meant beer goggles and that was dangerous. No one wants to wake up the next morning scared of the previous night’s partner. Drugs were stupid. I agreed to his rules.
Ric grossed me out by showing me pictures of STDs, but he was honest. He’d lost his virginity in Miami. The women down there were beautiful, but if he hadn’t known how to identify a herpes outbreak he might be an itchy motherfucker now. I shut up and memorized the pictures. We bought condoms and, to my unending embarrassment, he made me switch brands until we found the right ones for my dick.
Thankfully, I’m a Trojan XL man. Ric laughed and called me conceited. Trojan XL is a tight fit on him.
He made me practice rolling them on with one hand, and I realized that this was brilliant the first time I got a girl who didn’t know how to put a condom on and thought we should just chance it. I looked at her like she was crazy. No thank you. I don’t play the baby roulette.
I lost my virginity in a four-way with Ric. He wanted to make sure I didn’t do something stupid, like come too quick. I acquitted myself well and was left to my own devices after that. I did learn that the morning after was just as important as the night before. I was always interested in seeing the girl again (College girls! I wasn’t banging high schoolers!) but I was just a night of fun for them. Still, the next time I saw someone I’d been with, they were always pleasant and they hugged me. I learned to remember names, using mnemonics, and to never ignore them.
Ric ignored them. They were always trying to tie him down. He had to double strap because they wanted to have sex without condoms. They thought he was handsome and brilliant and wanted to be his one and only, even after he was honest with them about not being interested in marriage or dating. It was insane! There was just something about him that caused women to lose their minds. Brilliant, career focused women would sleep with him and come back with meals they’d made, trying to entice him. The more desperate ones learned to speak Spanish and tried to whisper sexy things in his ears.
I wondered what he had that I didn’t.
Ric snorted each time. “I was damn near ignored in Miami. Here? I’m exotic.” He said that in disgust one morning while we dined at IHOP (trying to avoid his latest stalker) and I looked at him. “You’ll get along with all the ‘right’ groups in Miami,” he said, finger-quoting. “You’re light with green eyes. You’re white of Hispanic origin, the preferred Cuban look. I’m clearly darker.”
“That matters?” I didn’t see it. Ric is darker than me but he just looks like he’s tanned.
“There? Yeah, it does.” he said, paying our IHOP bill.
Our time at Rutgers wasn’t all sex and women. It was me and Ric against the world again, only I didn’t have the same Ric.
The Ric who came back from Miami was colder. Ice cold to his sisters who quickly stopped lecturing him, especially after he told them to mind their own fucking business. They were astonished and he rarely speaks to them. I don’t blame him. All they do is lecture.
Cool to his parents, who weren’t quite sure how to respond to their youngest son. Alex clearly had no idea who Ric was and was completely unable to talk to him. I rolled my eyes mentally. I wanted to tell him, ‘You spent years ignoring us and telling us to go away. This is what you get’. Only his Abuela Rosa and my Abuela Leonor were exempt. They always got a warm smile and tight hug.
The family looked at me. I shook my head. Ric’s thoughts were his own. Always have been. Papa took me to the side after a month and asked me what was going on. I looked Papa square in the face.
“He’ll never be lectured to again. No one will ever tell Ric what to do. Tía Maria needs to keep his sisters out of his face.”
The sisters were kept as far away from Ric as they could get them.
Still, we hung out together. I asked about Rogelio and Ric told me that Rogelio, now nicknamed Piman, took the fall for one of his men. He was serving five years. I thought about what Rogelio said when he came to see me and realized that he was a stand-up guy. For a gangbanger, that is.
Ric had me reading his college textbooks and we debated history and politics. I was thinking of majoring in philosophy when Ric asked me what kind of job that would lead to. I thought about it and decided to switch to international affairs. Ric was into management and ROTC. I’d talked to the Army recruiters and was considering ROTC in college. Ric agreed.
“You’re brilliant as a tactician.” He grinned. “Remember when you stole the flan? Perfect fucking plan. Room full of adults and not one of them caught you.”
I laughed. “You’re too honest though. We might have gotten away with it if you hadn’t confessed.”
Ric smiled. “Yeah, if you could get away with it and let someone else take the fall, you would.” He stopped smiling and looked at me. “I hope that’s changed.”
I nodded and we said nothing more about it. That’s what Tomas did to Ric. After I set his butt up, I made a solemn promise to myself that I would always take responsibility for my actions. I would never allow someone to take the fall.
After all, somewhere out there was another Lester Alejandro Santos ready to set my ass up.
I meet Julie and, although she’s cute, she’s not cute enough for my cousin to be miserable for the rest of his life.
“Divorce,” I tell him quietly.
Ric shakes his head. “You think it’s so easy—”
“Wrong! I don’t. I just don’t see a reason for you to remain unhappy for the rest of your life just because you have a daughter. You plan to drop out of the military? Get a 9-5? Be a wage slave with someone telling you what to do for the rest of your life?”
Ric’s jaw clenches. Julie shifts, a little spit bubble appearing on her pretty little lips. I smile and wipe her mouth.
“If you don’t plan to be here every day with her, let Rachel go. She’s not the love of your life, is she?” Ric shakes his head. “Then divorce. Pay child support and spousal support. Write a will to make sure Julie gets everything if something happens to you. But quit pretending you’re happy because I know you’re not.
Nothing will ever change the love you have for Julie, but do what’s hard right now to make life better for her later. Do you really think she’ll grow up happy in a house where her father ignores her mother? Where he’s never there? What happens if Rachel falls in love with someone else?”
Ric stares at me hard and sighs. He finally starts packing and goes to Ranger school the next week. After he comes out, he and his new RB, Tank, go to sign the divorce papers. I offered to back him but he said he didn’t want anyone from the family with him.
I think he blames me for advising him to divorce Rachel, but I told him what I honestly thought at the time. I want what’s best for Ric and Julie and, honestly, Rachel too. No need for three people to be miserable because of one condom failure.
The divorce is nasty. Rachel tries to strip Ric of all visitation rights and she throws his support offers in his face. She’s furious because she thinks Ric is running away, leaving her with the baby. Ric tries to explain. He points out that they married for Julie, not because they love each other. He loves his daughter and is willing and prepared to support her for the rest of his life, but he doesn’t want to tie Rachel down. He intends to make the Army his career.
Is she really prepared to be married to a man who is never home?
Rachel doesn’t care. She’s embarrassed that her husband of one year is bailing on her. Finally, her mother makes her calm down and accept everything Ric’s offering. Julie is protected and cared for in the event of Ric’s death. Our family is livid but Ric stands strong in front of everyone.
Even me.
Bobby is the first person, aside from Ric, to gain my complete trust. He’s the straight man to my crazy and, if you know anything about Bobby, that almost seems like a lie. I think that says something dangerous about both of us.
“Come on, pretty boy! Let’s go clubbing!”
It’s like being back out with Ric. Bobby is handsome and women love him. They flock to him in a heartbeat. The difference is Bobby’s black. I’m Latino but I look white. The women we pull are different. I’m not competing with Ric for women and I really appreciate it. Bobby and I are never in conflict for women.
More than that, Bobby and I are similar intellectually. We both took philosophy and history classes in college and we debate what we know. Those debates last for hours and we’re completely honest with each other about what we think. He speaks perfect French and teaches all of us—me, Ric, and Tank—to speak it after we realize that French is damn near a dead language in the military. Spanish, Arabic, Farsi, that’s considered important. Tank picks up quickest, since he’s from Louisiana, but within a year we’re all proficient.
That gets us all on a kick and we decide to learn a new language each year. Ric and I teach Bobby and Tank Spanish and, since it’s a romance language, they pick it up fast. We decide to learn all the romance languages, since they have the same Latin base. The military screws up our plans by making us learn to speak Egyptian Arabic and Farsi and read Modern Standard Arabic, but we aren’t the elites for nothing. We buckle down and practice together and we’re shocked to realize that learning Arabic actually makes learning the romance languages easier. They borrowed a ton of words from Arabic so we managed to learn Egyptian Arabic and Portuguese the same year.
Bobby and I are the party animals. I realize Bobby’s nearly three years older than me but it doesn’t matter. He’s a kid at heart and we party, work out, and scheme constantly. Ric sighs and gets accustomed to getting calls that we’re being searched for. We always manage to just avoid the brig. Ric and Tank shake their heads in amusement.
Tank and I take longer to gel. I like him, I really do, but he’s displaced me by my cousin’s side and I don’t know how to take this. I’ve always been Ric’s second. Now? I’m not and it hurts. I’ve lost my best friend to his RB. I feel cut out. Tank and Ric can look at each other and have an entire conversation. Ric and I look at each other and end up shrugging. We never know exactly what the other is thinking.
Tank doesn’t say much to me but I know he likes me. We’re both just feeling each other out.
Bobby and I kick back one weekend and we’re working on a new scheme when he turns to me. “Tank’s a perfect partner for your cousin. Let your anger at him go.”
I stare at him in confusion. Bobby’s smiling. “Those two? Me and you, bro. The bromance is strong. Ric loves you. He’ll save your ass in a heartbeat but you two are too similar. Think about the strengths Tank has that you don’t and consider how you balance Ric.” He stares at me then shakes his head. “I displaced him. Tank displaced you. Tank’s holding back because he doesn’t want to affect your relationship. You two are more than best friends. You’re family, cousins. That’s closer than close.”
My RB can read people so I take some time and think about that. I realize that Tank’s a perfect second for Ric. Ric’s thoughts are still an occasional puzzle to me; Tank anticipates Ranger’s thoughts. Ric’s serious as hell and so is Tank; Bobby and I lighten them. Ric and I scheme; Tank and Bobby execute.
Yeah, I’m not Ric’s back and I can’t be. No man needs his reflection as his back.
Part II is next Sunday. The flan story is inspired by my little cousin Chris. He managed to steal an entire tray of cupcakes from a room filled with adults. LOL.
